repressed memory TRIGGERING

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by poisonedresistance, May 5, 2013.

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  1. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Do you believe in repressed memory?
    Ive studied a little and looked on here and there seems to be differing opinions.
    For the past year something strange has been happening to me and im unsure how to read it.
    id always had nightmares when i was younger about a man in a dark room chasing after me trying to catch me.
    I moved into my friends house for a while last year when i was looking for a place closer to my children.
    One night I had this terrible feeling, I was awake but i felt as though my body was pinned down on the bed,
    i felt myself being pushed into the bed then lifted off slightly then pushed back down again. As this was happening i couldnt shout for help. I could breath but I couldnt make a sound.
    It terrified me and at first i thought maybe it was some entity, then i assumed it was a stroke perhaps and that scared me.
    A few weeks later when i had moved into my own place I had the same sort of feeling but i was asleep this time, i awoke trying to scream but couldn't make a sound. I remembered a man above me holding me down in my dreams.

    A few weeks later on I had another dream, this time it was his jumper, i remember the colour and the feel of it.
    It may seem strange but since i can remember ive hated the feel of wool, especially in my mouth. when i was young i used to call the fabric eeyowww because of the sound it would make when it rubbed against my teeth. i couldnt tolerate it near me let alone on me.

    as i grew older i learned to tolerate it and had even begun to wore it, but i never put it in my mouth.
    A few months later and I saw the mans face in my dream, it was a man who used to live at the top of our street when i was around 8 years old.

    a month or so ago i had an experience that felt so real, i was trying CMR (concious mental rest) and it was like a cinema began playing in my head of this man, being in his room and him pushing the sleeve of his jumper into my mouth so i couldnt scream while he did what he wanted to to me.

    Today when i was at my mums my little boy needed some batteries,unbeknown to me he had had the money but spent it on sweets, when he asked me i gave it to him. then his grandad jumped down his throat, then my mum did, the poor lad just stood there.I felt so sorry for him, first they called him stupid for not knowing which he needed then he was useless for not saving his cash, then he was a cry baby for crying then he was little shit for asking me for the money and i defended him, which inevitably made them go at him even more and blamed him for a family argument.
    I was so angry i had to leave.

    Tonight i started to write, it was something fun, more of a fantasy ive been having for a while i felt the urge to get down on paper and i really enjoyed it, i got lost in it for hours and as i was writing it was like this memory/scene unfolded before me.

    i remember going to the mans house number 15 even though my mum had told me not to, i was upset as my parents had been arguing about me hiding the bills in the freezer (during the minors strikes, my dad was one) and he offered me ice cream, he thought id fell off my bike.
    he gave me ice cream then he took me into his house, into is bedroom and abused me. He held me down with his sleeve in my mouth as he ,,,,

    when i came out he handed me the half bowl of icecream. My mum was calling me, she sounded so angry.
    The man explained id fallen from my bike and he had just given me some icecream
    she dragged me down the yard when she found where i was and spanked my legs. she yelled at me the whole time and sent me to bed.
    I was so scared of her that i never told her.

    i developed a fantasy in my head about the pain of child birth my mum had been telling me to put me off wanting to explore sexually as she had caught me and the boy next door spanking each others bottoms a few weeks before.
    i felt the pain i was feeling and assumed it to be similar to that, as it was described to me as the worse pain in the world.
    I rationalized id have to get used to it if i was to have children when i was older and developed it into my masturbation sessions, at that age i didnt know i just called it the wiggy thing. it was something i used as a form of self torture at first as id only let myself go so far and stop.
    As i got older it developed and changed and grew with my experiences but it has always centered around the initial thoughts.

    Its wierd, its like a colour film that i can now access in my mind and recall. where it started as just a dark man in a dark room that used to haunt my dreams i called the cinema man for years.

    its 6 am here and ive been up all night. im not sure how im supposed to deal with this.

    But i think i know why its here now.

    what do you think?

    forgive me if i reply later, im going to try and get some sleep if i can x thankyou though if you took the time read all that. Amy x
    Last edited by a moderator: May 5, 2013
  2. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    I honestly don't know if I believe in recovered memories or not. I was abused as a child, and while I tried not to think about what had happened, and I never told anyone until I was much older, I never suppressed the memory of what happened.

    Part of what you are experiencing may be sleep paralysis, a state between sleep and waking during which we may be aware of things, but unable to move. People will often feel as though they are being held down, and even experience hallucinations or see ghosts during this time. But it is not real.

    It does sound as though your memories are very detailed. I'd say it's worth seeing a therapist and trying to find out what happened. Hugs.
  3. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    Hi Amy

    Thanks for sharing what you have. YES I do believe in repressed memory, I didn't always but do now.
    I am a survivor of childhood abuse and adult rape and although I can clearly remember most things, over past few years have had 'memories' come forth which made no sense and thought was imagining them. But then it got clearer and I could see that it was real memories which my mind had hidden away from me in order to cope I suppose.

    You say you wrote it down and was fun, a fantasy? Do you sincerely believe that you were abused by that man or is it something you have, or your mind had made up for a story/fantasy?
    Our minds our complex and sometimes we dont know for sure what is going on.
    I kept having images/flashbacks of having welts on my backside and being in alot of pain and sore from when I was a child, like had been beaten with a cane.
    I could vividly see and feel this but thought mind playing tricks, cos I was never hit with a cane.....................HOWEVER 2 or 3 years ago out the blue it sudden came to me, repressed memory had an answer, I hadn't imagined it afterall, no, it was my big sister who had done that to me.
    I always remembered she kept a garden cane in her room but the wounded part of me had I suppose 'forgotten' this and that she used to beat me with it, but one day it emerged.
    Same goes for some of the sexual abuse, most I know off by heart and then occasionally I get new memories which freak me out.

    You are right when you say its like a cinema and playing it out, its like all so vivid and reliving what happened.

    How are you feeling now, have you got anymore memories surfaced since you posted.

    Take care and here if you need a chat. xx
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Having completely suppressed a memory, I can totally relate.

    I used to dream of witches and a werewolf chasing me through a house, for years I had this recurring nightmare.

    Something was going on in my life, years later, when I started to get, what I call "swiss cheese memories".
    I ended up having a complete breakdown and went into a psychotherapy unit, gradually more and more clarity came to the memories, which I worked through with my therapist.
    I now have total recall, not always a happy thing, but at least I now know what was wrong for all those years.
  5. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    lelantgirl- when i began writing it was to relax and was something i hadnt put much thought into it, it wasnt untill a few hours later when i was getting into it that i began incorporating things. I had to stop myself and jsut breath to be honest. it played through like a film in my mind, the feelings felt so real, the look on his face, the feel of his hands and that fucking jumper, i will never forget that. id always thought i was weird having this thing for a material i could never even touch it or bare anyone else wering it near me when i ws younger, id go into a fit of rage, it used to get me into so much trouble but if i got sent to bed at least i was away from it.
    The fantasies i believe i have grown as a way of not having to think about it. Ive always been able to lock things out of my head, if i dont want to think or worry about something ill turn it off, like switch. its my mantra, i am the best i can be right now. everything outside that moment doesnt mater and can wait untill i feel ready to deal with it.
    i started therapy sessions a few years ago when i was training, i had to undergo hypno and physco therapy for 6 weeks. I was advised then that it could open some old wounds and that i had mentioned things while i was 'out' that gave them cause for concern but that the outer me was getting over a more recent trauma and that perhaps now wasnt the best time.
    Now im just,,,,,,,,,,, numb would be the correct word. im not angry, im not confused, im not upset, im nothing. its like ive locked it ll away and now ive forgotten where the key is.
    ive refused to think about this all day so i can take my kids out and enjoy the day.

    Katrina - that experience only happened once, where i felt pressed into the bed, it was so vivid and frightening. other than that it has been in my sleep and it was just that i couldnt scream. i wrote on here about it several times, i had nightmares where i just couldnt scream or cry for help and wondered if anyone knew what it was or ahd any ideas or experienced anything like it before. kind of like something unfolding before my eyes, smll details comming more and more vivid and new details coming to light, its like a film but initially had huge sections missing, like the download wasnt complete but then more packets of information filled in the gaps and it began to make sense and play like a film rather than two second glimpses that infused my body with different sensations.
    I can say that i actually had a good night sleep last night. i went to bed at half 6 in the morning and was up at 11am but you know what i felt more refreshed than i have done in a while, although my eyes where still a bit swollen from crying. i cant even tell you the emotion that made me cry i just know i wanted to.
  6. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Hiya Terry - im so sorry to hear about that, it must have been horrible doing that away from your friends and family support. when i went to sleep last night i may have been crying and upset although i cannot pin point the emotion that led to it i was so grateful to have my boyfriend there with his arms around me while i went to sleep. i felt so much safer. I dont even know if he read what i put, i never really said much but hes heard me explaining the oddities that have been happening over the last year. The scary thing is i dont even know if its over although for some reason i feel lighter, like it is. maybe its just the fear of not knowing. The guy who did it died years ago, when i had the first sight of his face i had inclings and bits of memories and looked him up. i guess it made it easier for them to come out maybe
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