Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Tam, Nov 20, 2009.

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  1. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Was talking today about self image, and rambling on about feeling ugly and when I was asked to explain more about it I realized that I am repulsive. Not just think it in the back of my head or half believe it without really meaning it, but full on this is the TRUTH I am repulsive, in every way, inside and out. How one word sums up so exactly how I feel about myself, who I am not just how I look.

    I know lots of people on here have ‘issues’ about how they look. I wondered if anyone else sees themselves like this, feels like this, looking in the mirror and cringing, trying really hard to avoid looking at all the repulsive things, squinting your eyes so as not to have to really see what’s there, pretending it’s not as bad as you think, that other people don’t really see you in the same disgusted way - and knowing all the time that they do.

    And when it extends to who you are - like you’re somehow deep down right at the core something so repulsive that nobody could possibly even want you around, let alone like and love you?
  2. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    Took 20 years before I admit myself I have a body. Until that I have had only a head.
  3. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    We can all be ugly together ;) :hugtackles:
  4. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    *hug* Cheer up

    Saying you are repulsive inside is delusional Tam, you're gorgeous inside. Screw what you do in your own home, it's how you interact that puts stars on your shoulders.
  5. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    U r

    A-class all the way
  6. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

  7. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    Re: ;)

    Tam - I HEAR YOU!!!!!!

    Thank you for summing up what I could never put into words. x
  8. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Tam, I don't think you are repulsive. I think you are feeling repulsive. Our feelings are very strong, sometimes to the point where they envelope us. Time to make a list of what you have accomplished, including the help you give others here and compare this list to the definition of repulsive. Then let your mind see the facts and write your own belief system.

    I get the impression that someone in your life influenced the things that you believe. You don't have to believe what you've been told. Check out the facts for yourself and chart your own course.

  9. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replies. Yeah it's how I feel about how I look, who I am - just knocked me for six realizing it. But even knowing it might not be objective truth (wishful thinking there right now) it still feels true, quite hard to live with knowing it. Not so sure it's something I've been told, just been there all my life.

    Would help if anyone else feels this way, say how they deal with it, what it's like for them. :sad:
  10. kurenai

    kurenai Well-Known Member

    Ever since I was really small, like maybe five years old, I didn't look in the mirror. Or i would look at something totally innocuous, like the hairline, and brush my hair, and then quickly leave the bathroom and turn out the lights. At school, I was soft-spoken and looked at floors instead of people's faces. I didn't want others to find out how horrible I was. I was teased a lot, people made fun of my voice, how tall I was, my skin blemishes, my hair. It's difficult to hide when you're taller than all the boys, I was an easy target.

    After high school, I spent a lot of time in my college dorm alone. Since there was no one to torment me, I began to sort of realize I wasn't as horrible as I originally thought. I wrote a lot of poetry about how I felt, this strange double feeling of what others thought of me, and what I thought of myself, and let myself get sucked into my work. After a while, I learned that it was other people's opinions that made me feel bad, especially my harsh parents, unhelpful teachers and cruel peers. On my own, left to my own devices I wasn't actually a bad person. Maybe it'll help you to distance yourself from others and to write a lot to figure out who you really are and what you want.
  11. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    That is exactly how I feel 90% of the time.
  12. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I work on my belief system. I don't get answers right away because it's a process. Once I get a sense of what I believe, I start looking for the source of that belief. When I make an adult decision about what I believe, I can see a big difference.

    My feelings don't always change right away. It takes a little time and working through the additional feelings of anger toward the source of the incorrect belief (person or circumstance).

    Old habits (including beliefs) die hard. It takes practice to teach oneself to say, "Okay, this is my old belief I'm feeling, now what is the truth that I concluded."

    My biggest success is self parenting the little girl in me that was neglected and abused. I literally hug myself and talk soothingly to myself. I was amazed at how much that helps.

    Also, since I believe in God, I talk to God all through the day. Even if all I can say is, "I am a child of God." There are times when I ask God to carry me through it (like today and tomorrow). I ask God to teach me what I can do for myself and please do for me what I cannot do for myself.
  13. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey Tam, first and foremost let me tell you it's the greatest of lies to say that you're repulsive on the inside. That's so impossible I can't even start to wrap my mind around it. I mean, I've seen what you can do as a friend, and looking at your profile I can see how many people are thankful to you. Heck, we could build a Tam fanclub over here, I know I'd sign in!

    Tam, I dunno where you're getting those thoughts from, but know that you're wrong, if somebody's trying to get that into your hair, (s)he's wrong, if that's what you really believe, then you're wrong. Believe in us and yourself Tam, you are a great, beautiful person, with alot to give, and that I'm honored to call a friend :)

    As for the exterior, obviously I can't give you my opinion on that, but I can give you my experience: Back when I was without friends and never had a girlfriend, I looked myself in the mirror and thought I was hideous, and I tough that until I actually got friends and they actually complimented on my looks. In time it just grew on me that I'm actually not that bad, and I do have my good angles, but when I'm feeling really down, I do find myself looking at the mirror and thinking I'm not pretty at all.

    WHat I mean is, Tam, ours eyes see the truth, but that truth goes to the brain, and the brain decides how to read what the eyes see. So if the brain is feeling down, obviously what you see won't look so great as well. I'm sure you're much better than you think, so give it a break and look at the mirror when you're feeling better. I'm sure you'll see yourself under a totally different light :)
  14. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I feel unattractive too but you and I are probably just comparing ourselves with the flawless images in popular magazines or with the celebrities who've been medically "improved" with breast jobs, hair replacement, dental work and plastic surgery. The vast majority of humanity is heavily flawed, in my case it's being underweight and hopelessly pasty white because of my red hair.

    I wear loose clothes to disguise my thinness (rarely wear shorts- BIRDLEGS :D) and hope people notice what I am told is a handsome face. It has been mentioned elsewhere in these forums that confidence is the biggest factor in attractiveness. If that's the case I'm in trouble :blink:.
  15. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Tam, how can you think you are repulsive? You're not. :hug:

    If it helps, I have often felt ugly and unlovable - inside and out. Over time, it has helped me to accept that there are some things I CAN like about myself - inside and out. No, I'm not perfect, I'm not always what I wish, but I'm not totally repulsive either. Not even when I "feel" that I am. (Our feelings are not always expressions of reality.) Each person is a unique blend of traits and qualities - physical and emotional, moral and mundane. No one else in the world offers our individuality.

    As with all things, what some like, others will dislike, whether it's appearance or personality or a combination. And with billions of people in the world, and no two completely alike, there cannot possibly be anyone who is truly, totally, inside and out, "repulsive."

    Someone once told me that I maybe I ought to let others make up their own minds about me rather than making the choice for them by assuming I know how they perceive me. Right now, as I think about that, I can see the person who said it saw through a defense mechanism I didn't even know I employed. If I reject myself, I don't give others a chance to accept or reject me, and I "protect myself from being hurt." Erm...But it doesn't work because inside I still yearn to be accepted and still feel rejected (because I have been, by myself), and people don't approach me because of my defenses, because I've already decided for them that I'm not worth it. And I feel further rejected. The strategy backfires on itself by becoming self-fulfilling.

    A lot of people here, including me, Tam, are telling you honestly that you are NOT repulsive and you are being way too hard on yourself. That begs the questions, "What makes you feel that you are repulsive? What 'evidence' supports it?" I can't find any proof myself in you or your posts.

    So, how about making a list of your positive qualities as Chargette suggested (and posting it here as a way of beginning to accept your good traits and qualities)?
  16. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone for the supportive replies. I've been avoiding this thread a bit (hah that's familiar!) but don't want people to feel I'm just ignoring what you've all gone to the trouble of writing. Sorry.

    Yeah I wear clothes that are a disguise more than anything (trouble is you can't wear a paper bag over your head for too long without people thinking you're a bit odd).

    Funny thing, this trying to come up with positives about yourself. Had a stand-off with therapist only today about that, felt he was trying to force me to believe some good things about me, that only made me more defensive and even angry. I think he fell into the CBT trap of trying to change thinking in order to change feeling. Other way around with me, if I can get to feel ok about myself, then the brain will come up with any number of 'good' things. The whole positive thinking bit only feeds into my own vicious mind defences, so the more people try and get me to see good about me, the more I push it away. Sorry, because I know the good things people have said on here, they've meant. Just I feel embarrassed about it, as if that's what I was angling for, and it wasn't that at all.

    And there'e a little girl in there alright, she's the one who felt this way in the first place. Only I'm a BIG girl now (and an aging one at that) and i still feel this way. Sorry don't know what to say now, either it's everything, or nothing. Better to quit while I'm ahead lol.

    Thanks again.
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