Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by angee, Sep 4, 2011.

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  1. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    Does anyone else resent that they have to live? I know i have people who love me and that i would hurt so badly when i die but i know i have to live for them! I'm not saying this right... head's a mess today... It's exhausting being ok all the time for them, keeping that mask up... living! Going through the motions, seeing and doing everything i am supposed to to get better but inside i feel dead... i don't want to be here! I am starting to resent that i have to! That sounds awful! oh i don't know x :confused:
    p.s. i can't spell x
  2. musicalpsycho

    musicalpsycho Active Member

    Hey, I feel the same way about my family. They say they love me and do what they can to help with school-wise etc. I feel awful that I still want to die but I'm just sick of living, especially since they don't even try to listen when I try to talk to them about motivation and meaning in life. I've got it all planned out and everything but they're holding me back from doing it. So you're not alone in that.
  3. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Yes I know how it feels. I know if I didn't have kids, I wouldn't even think of being around, and it would be so easy to end the suffering, if it wasn't for that. But the fact is, I do have them, so I am going to try my damnest to get better physically before I let these feelings get the best of me again.
  4. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    Sometimes its easier than others; my mask can be very convincing, even fools me sometimes! But other times.. god it hurts so bad, i can feel myself getting angry and bitter; hating being here! I have kids, how evil and nuts is it to hate hurting so much that i want to die when i love my 4 amazing kids so much! There's no end in sight; no time when they are going to be at their dads before New year, so's i can be alone and finish this. I don't think i can keep muddling through like this with them. It's not fair to them! My head's going crazy tonight, i hate feeling like this.
  5. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    It's not your fault that your depressed and life is hurting you so much. You have been through so much, the fact that your still here, makes you stronger of a person than you think you are. I'm glad you have your kids to love so much, that something positive is going on in your life. And I know it hurts to feel pain whether physical or emotional. I don't really know what to say, I wish there was something I could tell you that would help.

    I am aiming for things that will make my life better in the future, though currently it may not do a thing, other than give me some hope that it could get better. Sometimes I tell myself I can dream on, but I know I have to try.
  6. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    Thanks hun, i wish i could feel or see the postitives, i wish i could feel the love i have for my kids but its all dead! Just alot of sh*t left... feel lost i dunno
  7. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Angee - sure we can get to that mindset in which life does seem like its not worth it sometimes.

    I get it all the time! Well - it happens now and again - I get the blues - so bad - face is a permanent frown!

    But, with depression you have to kind of accept some of the process we feel - denying it is stupid - and mostly we need feedback when we are down - reassurance and people who care.

    Being is a great help - you know that - and I think we feel like we are part of a family at times. But a good family - one in which there is peace in the virtual house which is this forum.

    I know things are not ideal for you - you've shared some things here and its not easy for you I know. Its not easy being a single mum I know - not that I am a single mum - but I know what goes on and how things work. Not easy - but I guess your kids have saved you many a time.

    With exes who never turned out to be right - its just life - unfortunate but women don't get born with a inbuilt manual on how to detect a good man who will stick around - plus - many have kids young which is natural - between 18-28 - its not young - and in some ways you got a lot of the worse effort behind you - they will grow up - are growing up - and you got to get some other things going on now - use that spare time to better yourself a little - I mean - I'm not saying you NEED to be better - just that we tend to get down when we don't have things to do to make things better - some hope or prospect. Education for sure - as its idea in many ways for woman like you at your stage of life.

    Well - we feel bad about resenting life - but if you are at that stage its no us hiding it or trying to brush it off.

    Sure - resent it a little - sometimes we just have days like that - and the tide can turn suddenly - I guess many could be happy one minute and gradually find the water lapping around the ankles. A couple of hours of rumination can be enough to leave you stranded - with sleep the only option really - but try to talk to someone also as just knowing someone will listen or read your issues is very important and makes the difference between fighting it alone - and having someone to be totally honest with.

    Well - its hard keeping on top of this - day to day really - but you can find constants in your life - and goals which we can set ourselves also.

    Anyhow just so you know that I do care - so do others here - and what your going through - we've been through in the sense that whatever led to depression - has led you to the same place we all get to via other routes.

    With you Angee its experience - things happened which might have destroyed a lesser person - but you raised your kids - you suffered on your own because I know mums will always do that.

    Maybe I'm lucky - no experience has led me to feeling this way - I don't really recall being hurt by anyone that badly. I have few enemies - but the ones who are - are bigger than me - but I can wait patiently for them to realise that it was a waste of time. Time is always on your side with your enemies - sure- they might be living it up now - but life is like that - allows evil people to think they won - but I'm telling them - they are making an epic mistake and will pay a severe price indeed! Even without me doing a thing - they have already lost.

    The only real rule I try to follow - one that covers them all is simple.

    You don't need religion - nor to believe in all the aspects of faiths that people insist we must believe in. You don't have to go to church.

    The rule is to love your neighbour as you would love yourself.

    I always take the time to try to do that - sure its hard when a male neighbour - roars at you (drunk) "Who the fu** are you?" - and then realised - and kissed your fist!

    for a moment - i did think "shall I hit him? Is this what he wants?"

    But I let him kiss the other fist - like the pope or something.

    I guess I'm a drunk magnet - which is quite unfortunate sometimes when your chatting to people swaying and glassy eyed.

    Each night I walk past the pub - I always get the cigarette smoking drunks who have to tell me someone - and wave excitedly like a lifeguard signalling to a drowning man.

    Usually get told something I know.

    But I do feel like a drink right now as it happens.

    but have other things to do I guess.

    hope you feel a bit better Angee.
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Yes angee I feel the same mostly but I have children and gkids that it would impact on if I was to I hold on and try to change how i feel as best I can with my therapists and meds
    try to find some nice things to do for myself to make life bearable

    I also have took his own life and the pain is indescribable
    I have another child who is suicidal and her 11year old daughter is the same
    they need me!...
    so for now I stay
    but yes I feel resentful sometimes that I have to do this for others but I do it because (even though I don't feel it) I know I love them deep inside
    I hope you will find the will and hope to stay around and keep reaching out for help
    I'm sorry you have to feel like this too
    take care
  9. passingthrough

    passingthrough Active Member

    Yes, I totally get that!! I had got myself all prepared to kill myself (everything ready, a time decided on when I would be alone for long enough) and then my husband had to go and show me how hurt he would be if I did just before the appointed time. So I couldn't go through with it.

    I told my psych and she just said well if we have to use guilt to keep you here, then that's what we'll do. But, yes, I resent it and I'm frustrated by it. And I just wish that everyone would let me go and stop trying to keep me here.

    I'm sorry you feel the same, because it hurts, it really really hurts.
  10. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    it does really hurt hun, i hate feeling like this! I wish i could feel the love i have for my kids' it would help me hold on! I am doing therapy, meds, groups, everything they tell me to do i do but it just gets worse not better! I am finding it so hard to hold on and keep muddling through. I know my kids need me and i know the impact my death would have but when i get that low i don't see it or feel anything! I am sorry to hear you are both feeling like this, maybe some day we will find a positive way to feel better x
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