Responsibilties?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Axiom, Jan 1, 2011.

  1. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Anyone know they are neglecting their responsibilites? I know I am. It's kinda odd to be honest. I think along time I started to rip apart the importance of specifics aspects of myself, which gradually made my responsibilites seem more demanding. Eventually I whittled my perception of responsibilities and attributed the meaning to surviving, displacing the priority of all responsibilities. Eventually I attributed my perceptions on responsibilities to that of others perceptions, and whittled down my "care" for what others thought, I continusouly cared less for these things I should do. Instead I found ways of drawing them out, doing them when I percieved them to be needed. Instead of daily, it eventually became random. Seeing how long I could continue on without doing them. Or simply breaking it down to a specific logic of letting it pile up so I can deal with it enmass, so I could have breaks inbetween doing them, but still be dealing with the upkeep. Leading to the point where things were only dealt with when they start to deteriorate.

    I suppose in all honesty, it's cleaning up, personal care, looking after my dog, my work, my relationships.

    Im finding these things are a issue very faintly in the back of my head. I fight myself by saying it's so hard and tiring to keep up with it, with no reward. The amount of time i spend doing these things I could be doing something else that is more fullfilling. But I am beliving now that without caring for the things that are important to me, finding new things in life will be taininted by the dissolving consistancy and lack of commitment in the responsiblities in my life, and as such it is, and has been affecting my interal well being. Warping my perception of life and how I can be from the outside inward.

    Just a thought. ... suddenly in the past 4 weeks, I have wanted some very specific and out there things, that are definatly outside the norm. But I know my chaotic mindset and lifestyle.. well will and has ruined these desires. Perhaps I am starting to believe that structure is extremely important in moving fowrad.

    Looking back is frustrating. But finding this little urge for these things is starting to give me a unique perception on myself and how I live my life. Something I want to jump on really badly. Though I know it will become a dissolving thought and feeling unless I create some sort of rational logic and emotional attachment to these desires. I donno... talking about it seems to give me the opportunity to place an importance in the words. Helping these feelings to grow and mature I suppose, so that I can become it instead of spilling it.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you do become it many of us are procrastinators but when the importance of something is more then the want to leave it be you will adresse it and get it done. responsibilities prioritize them and do the most impt one on top of the list then move down. take care
     
  3. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    That's what Im thinking :) It's a bit difficult as I get overwhelmed by the amount of time Im focusing on certain tasks. Especially in the beginning. It's kind of draining, as I tend to focus too hard on what Im doing, which makes me want to get away from it once ive done, adding to the lack of consistancy. I suppose maybe I need to learn to tunnel vision less or something on the tasks at hand I guess. Learn to do the tasks without gripping too hard so I can think about other things at the sametime. Or I suppose I could tell myself that this is part of some greater step and that I can feel a very small but crucial sense of pride in doing and completing the work.
    Not too sure to be honest
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sounds good to me what you are saying definietly getting one thing accomplish gives you the boost to do another take care
     
  5. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    In theory... but im more destructive than progressive now I reckon. I just want to dive into myself and rip every concept every connection every layer of feeling every preconception apart. It makes me feel alive.. to feel like im losing. I cant feel alive any other way... What other way of feeling alive is there that feels so good than breaking the structure of yourself apart.. What other thing can no one else do aswell as myself.

    I need to feel.. and this feels so momentary. it brings every feeling to right now instead of the drawn out conceptions of the future and the past. Im sick of the numbing feeling of wanting things tommorrow. Im sick of trying in this world to this reality. .. I wish I could dive into my heart and wage war directly.. not kill anything, but bring the whole system to it's knees and make it fucking stand up against itself. Im sick of dissolving to my own inhibitions. im sick of being stagnit.
    Fuck I need something. There's nothing that offers any form of fucking ectasy. This fucking pain is a disease I didn't realize would be so bad. I didn't believe the rammifications of saying and doing what i've done and then being left alone. Among every other fucking failure in my clustered mind. For once, I want the feeling of dying forever so atleast I can fucking fight it off forever, instead of this numb decaying piece of sludge I have all around me.
    This crap is getting so monotonous. Im having to learn and find new sources of information to create mental ways of creating scenarios so i can simply rip them away in more unique ways, piece by piece scenario by scenario, life lines by life lines. Im wondering if there is anything else that will stimulate me in sucha way. Which i had some drugs.. dont particularly ldo cutting.. smoking's just giving me a fucking body rush and mind grip. Just stopped smoking 10+ a day, but I only started like 3 weeks ago. Nothing is Quick enough and stimulating enough at the same time. Nothing is Except this. Everything is too god damn slow or too far out of my perceptional graps and control. Im stuck with this and ..
    it feels good to feel alive sometimes. Just not in the way many mean
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2011
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Blake is it your meds making you feel numb if so ask your doctor to change them up a bit okay I know the pain it makes you feel alive again but it is not necessary to engulf yourself in it. Please talk to your doctor okay You donot have to harm yourself emotionally you don't Time to be good to you okay please
     
  7. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    What is it that you've said and done?
     
  8. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    It's not really important, well.. I guess it is, but it's slightly embarassing, and I know talking about it directly won't help. but thanks for asking Fitzy .
    I don't take meds and I don't need them to be honest. I feel numb by interacting with everything else, and doing nothing. Im not living the life I feel I need, but I can't live the life i want because of my failings as an individual both socially and intellectually, aswell as just co-exsisting. It's a repetitive circle of failing.

    It's so incrediablly frustration to Know and see every step of the way the ways I have systematically destroyed my own progression in some of these areas, and even more incrediably more overwhelming when I get destroyed by things outside of my own control. Creating sub protective perceptions that inhibit my desires from moving to any sort of physical action, leaving me with a Spur FUCKING feeling that wants to do something by is Systematically destroyed and ripped apart by rational concepts and attitudes that cause me to shift internal positions. This constant jumping of positions just dissolves eachother leaving me with just a self created level of basic self defence which I entirely dont think would work if I ever needed to use it in all practicability .
    God I want to start again.. but I can't there is no bloody reset button, so Im left to find ways of injecting some sort of sensation or feeling or scenario that will inhibit a responce of emotional and logic properties in order to have a sensation wave flow over me, which lets me feel alive for a time being. But it's all in my fucking head. Im closing more and more and more up to things. I cant remember the last time I woke up and wanted to do something and went from that feeling took it and walked every single step and acquired that feeling. The sort of sensations I desire are fucking dark and soooo freeing but no, to many inabilities to acquire and constrain them. Arg so close too at one point. It actually started to emerge. Im sick of this vanilla fucking life. I dont like any of it. I dont like it's cycle I dont like anything about it. It's so Slow its so god damn emotionalless

    Atleast for this certain perception stance I am feeling from right now. I know the feelings I want. Im sick of making situations and scenarios in my head up for them. Speaking in feelings to the situations that create the external roads to the specific feelings i want. It's bloody frustrating to want something, but know that IF i specifically touch it I willdestry it with numbess and boredom. So the only thing I can do is to work far away from it, and work towards it in a non specific manner, but each step being slightly more specially generalized so that the subsequent feelings and thoughts are geared into the direction I want without them getting to specific and touching with it.
    Frustration frustration frustraion. Fuck it Ill take this feeling. Atleast it's a bloody chain and I can hold it down and let this sensation build up and release it in some sort of semi generalized fasion in a desire or scenario I want hopefully iti will go far enough before it goes out. Maybe Ill hold onto it. let it's pounding waves just keep hitting me at points over and over again. that works I suppose. Hmmmm thankgod for posting

    Wtf.. I posted way more than just that.. fucking words you don't even keep a proper account of what Im feeling or thinking or doing ARG im my own recorder and I forget so much. Limited fucking language language is! This is what I mean. It does no justice. It's not enough it's TOO slow, its too narrow it's too limited.. I wonder if I want to smash something. Though what good would that do. All it would do is to channel my aggression into the wrong sort of physical excertion without and reciprication except for some sort of unjustified, yet justified, responce from people who would misunderstand the pretenses that went into the excertion itself. Oh boy... I hope this problem keeps re-occuring. Im starting to lose alot of restraints and it's sorta feeling really nice, atleast the possibilities of actually being free of my own restraints. Maybe Ill do something. Hell yeah I bet I wont though! Frustration. Hmm.. To be but not being. Slightly modified, but so appropriate. It's like head banging between the ultimate tease of some desire, without doing anything. There's only so many times I can bang away before I get numb to it os ineed to improve on the quality of the environment I am banging away in and the viciousness that I bang aswell. And the attitude, along iwth the flow to adjust and create a unique setting for the sensations that are produced as a result. Man What a load of fucking garbage. Frustrated works just as good.

    edit well Ive got that containedish now.. was interesting.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2011
  9. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    It seems like an emotional puke? I understand little of it but wonder if letting it all out is working for you?
     
  10. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    No. It's alot more than an emotional puke. It's an awakening of things I have left alone and neglected. But it's coming up inconsistantly, and it's crashing with current issues.
    Helps pretty narrowed towards a positive. I don't know if it's positive or negative, but atleast it's something and I feel something, though, also a lack of too. Most of the time though, this is how I go from day to day at times. It's how my mind operates, just from different stances. Im just now trying to grab it a bit instead of just enduring it I suppose. Maybe something good will come from this. maybe not. I dont know, but it's the next best thing to getting what I want specifically. And I know Ill crack that if I try.
     
  11. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I really think it would help you to talk to someone?
     
  12. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Something I wrote in my other thread on the same lines.
    Bsaically, it wouldn't help, it would more than likely hurt and push me under even more. I adapt to people. Atleast here, I can walk away from people, and move on with my own posts, and take what I want from anyone who takes the time to respond, without the fear of having to adapt or suppress. And the best thing is, people can walk away from my thread aswell, which is something I desire to be there. This sort of posting works far better, as far as my mental issues are concerned. As for other issues? Defiantly need a sort of in person confident, but that won't be a shrink or anything like that. And it wouldnt' be geared towards my issues, it would be in doing things and interacting, where that interaction borders stimuli that connect to my issues, without bringing too much to the surface. Best thing I can think of to be honest. I don't trust people, it's so rare to find someone I can trust and connect with. I hate it when I lose those connections. Lost one recently, lost all my others half a decade ago. It's nasty shit.
     
  13. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Fair enough - keep posting x
     
  14. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I hope so. I feel tired though, sort of a side effect of this all the time. I always feel tired unless I get waves of feeling, then it's a ride I want to harness. But it never comes through.
     
  15. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    :( I dont feel alone when music is playing. I feel something.. it let's me harness my feelings, and explore them. Creating a fiction scenario around me. Only to rip that fiction away by making myself realize what is real and what is not. Ripping it away pulls on what is real, bring it to the surface just a bit more.. reminding me of all that I have missed out on, and am going to miss out on. Reminding me of this terrible isolation I've made for myself. Alot of silly moments missed.. never finding and holding those moments with people. Watching as everything slips away day by day.. watching as everything that was found together begin to unravel and become lost again. One could say to be discovered again, but Im getting too old now. Im too tired now. Some dreams shouldnt be dreamt, some things shouldn't be thought about. I don't remember why I believed it was important to keep expanding my awareness when my ability to interact and move with those perceptions was damaged and spreading right at the basics. I can still remember those times when I found out there was a problem, where I would hesitate instead of allowing the natural flow to continue. Where I was right at the point of being free in a flow, or hesitating. i remember hesitating, being afraid.. I remember all the times since knowing what I was missing. I remember and see this feelings trail all the way back in time to right now. It's an aura now that I re-breath in, part of my self created functioning cycle. ... There are some feelings in this life I can't feel anymore.. I want to.. so much that it's making me tear at the thought. But I know the truth. The thought is all I can get, because all that goes into those moments is something way beyond me now. .... sigh
    It would be lovely though.. to sit in a ocean of feeling and not worry about drowning. Feeling the currents flow around you, tickling every depth of you, with no fear of loss. Maybe being able to share those feelings with others. No one shuddering.. no one closing their eyes and turning their heads away. Growing something between people that is special. That always remains special, some sort of bond, understanding, but free of eachother. About feelings shared. Free feelings that can go anywhere and being able to see eachother so clearly.... that . dreams. i dont like being left behind anymore.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhlCZgvW1dc&feature=channel on repeat

    I wonder if your life does flash before your eyes before you die. Maybe everything will come together as it tries to escape deaths final touch. Every ounce of my being existing in one final thought. Too bad times not relative I suppose.

    I guess such things are a part of life and we have to make the best with what we have. Defining the depths that we can not touch with as the limitations to our existence is limiting the scope of existence for myself. There's far more feelings and sensations out there to explore. I just won't be able to connect with anyone but that's fine. I have enough hard skin to that I suppose. I just hate it when there is a true tease to that possibility. I've recently realized how much it can stir things up inside. In anycase, it's always a learning experience I guess. Perhaps surviving is also at the sametime freeing some of the many chains/hesitations I have created for myself. Though I know the initial ones were undefined. Like Empty dark clouds that suffocate the life out of thought and feeling, they came with events in my life. Way to large for my mind and feelings to comprehend, so alot of me was covered. Though I was able to protect some of me. I Don't know if I can take all the credit, I suppose my family helped in their own way, and a couple friends, simply for just being themselves. lol... too bad they're connection with me is so dead it's unreal. Oh fuck off.
    Objectively speaking It bothers me alot. But regardless of that ever moving wave inside, I make do as best as I can. Though it technically rips at every interaction with any subsequent person I interact with. But that's ok, I know it's doing that. I dont want to know people that much. I just want to be able to do enough with them so that they feel appeased in the space that I share with them and not hindered by me. it's all about the experience I suppose for me now. Though, it's been too long since I've done something. Perhaps that's why I feel like this.


    ug I fucking cant stand being alone like this. My lifes unbalanced, its been unbalanced for too long. You can only hold your breath for so long. Frustration is by far an understatement. Write write write>????? Won't that just extinguish what's built up! Won't that release what should be released in a physical state?? Fucking mind.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2011
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur mind never shuts down like mine constantly thinking constantly rationalizing ithink the only way to relax it is through therapy meds You go over and over the scenerios in your head when in fact you should just accept what is in front of you NOW and enjoy it okay hugs to another person who just cannot let the brain rest some
     
  17. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Er. Relax? Thearpy and meds? None of those will help. Relaxation I have and have had pleanty. I can relax myself usually when I want to quite quickly, and if I cant quickly, I know how to.. usually. Though I prefer now to experience things devoid of relaxation, until those feelings that couldnt possibly experience a relaxing state, find their own unique relaxation flow. Meds? That crap will only interfear in who I am. It's not for me, and thearpy, well my position on that ones been made :( I don't trust people really, nor do I want to deal with someone on that level, who just is not someone I can relate to.

    My mind is not soley working rationally, it works half and half, on all fronts that I know of atleast. I cant grow without the irrational, it helps put the rational into perspective, and give the rational a new scope of depth, so that it can escape the confines of it's own perceptual limitations. But that only works by subjecting rational thought to irrational thoughts and feelings, atleast for me. Helps make rational thought more natural instead of a bullet point text book.

    What's infront of me is shit. There's nothing really, besides a few key things and people. But that's it. It's like 1 % good 99% captivatingly circular. I hate what's infront of me so much with a passion. It's not what I want at all. It's so god damn confined and UG. Even the way the people talk in my life. FFS these people should be freeer than anyone else, but it's so god damn the same and tainted by the same old bullshit. But the worst is my inabilities to do what I want to do, and experience it without closing up constantly to the waves of feelings that would come from experiencing these. I really need to be broken apart... and im trying to find a way of doing that in a physical sense and subjecting myself to sensations that I really want. By working on it, I guess I mean building up a specfic desire inside of me, that can withstand the moments and distractions from other subjections in life, since I tend to be overwhelmed very easily. But I believe if I can make this strong enough, those subjections wont be enough to overwhelm the feelings and desires Im making and freeing, .. so hopefully ill make it happen. Id give anything for one moment to feel free, shattering everything about me, and giving myself those chances I stole from myself.

    It's just tough dealing with everything in all time tenses. Inevitably they all touch.
     
  18. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You hate what is infront of you the people the surroundings the circumstances they change them okay Only you can do that I was ask today by therapist how i survived how i moved on I told him i changed the path i was on i made a new path i made a new me i took the pain from within that is still there and i put it to good use so i would not be taken under by the waves. Blake the circular thoughts are not helping you change them to a different path okay somehow change you.
     
  19. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Well I suppose that is what I am doing, re-directecting them into a benifical way. Im sure I wrote something to that affect, maybe it was in another thread. The problem is, I have to get them undercontrol first before I start using them. I'd have to disagree. The circular thoughts are helping me, as I each time i get a bit further with them, and am better able to withstand them, simply by understanding them a bit better. Gives me a few extra moments at seeing things differently instead of being preoccupied by all these feelings.