Resting for eternity

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by D3ath, Jan 18, 2008.

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  1. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    Not really sure why i feel i have to post here, although thought i'd do it anyway.

    I dont fancy revealing the reasons why i feel so suicidal right now, so im sorry if i keep you wondering. I never really been one to start topics when i first joined it was enough knowing there was people in a similar position of me if not worse, and there was the possibility of me helping them, that alone was enough to actually make myself feel good. (Sounds selfish, i dont just help people because it makes me feel good though).

    I knew a few months before that if things didnt improve [Regarding persoanl relationship] then i'd most likely keep attempting suicide till i succeed.

    I attempted suicide a few times before overdoses (resulted in nothing more then a bad headache ironic really :/). Tried Hanging myself a couple of times from the loft latch first time i failed i sort of put it towards faith as i remember actually hanging then suddenly being able to touch the floor with my feet, i guess maybe theres a reason this happened and gave life another try and tried coping with my problems. The attempt turned out to be as dismal as my suicide attemptl, life just threw more stuff at me being on the edge i attempted for the 2nd time with the same method, even though i tried to make sure i didnt repeat the last attempt the same happened, however this time my neck became bruised with the rope marks around my neck. I sort of gave up on this method and tried looking up others.

    In the meantime life just got harder and harder to cope with, im so grateful for the few friends i have because they been great, however they cant help me all time. I find it difficult to sleep at night now due to dreams and thoughts leading me waking up in a sweat. I rarely been eating too in fact i ate today for the 1st time in 3-4 days. Some one important to me told me once "If you cant live for yourselve who can you live for?" and i really dont feel like i can live for myself anymore. Friends and family is the only thing keeping me in this world because i dont want to cause them pain or depression, i dont want them to follow me. However i dont think they can keep me here much longer, nor can i burden them any longer only a few days ago i actually tried showing some one how much they hurt me by slitting my wrist and sending them a picture of it, however now i know in doing that i just caused myself more pain.The person i sent the email to means the world to me, and now i feel ashamed for causing her pain and being as pathetic to send her a picture of it.

    I came across a method of suicide which sounded so pleasant i knew i could just go sleep and chances are never wake up again. Im not going to go into details because i know im not the only one feeling suicidal and it would be like handing you a gun :/. I never really been one to be scared of death actually i think i'd welcome it. Its the only thing i got to look forward to, waiting for the day i can rest for enternity.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2008
  2. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Comfort and Peace are both feelings you need to be alive to feel. I wouldn't be so eager to end your life with so little known about dying, you might not like what you get, assuming you still exist anywhere, a wishful thought that doesn't have a lot of facts in its favor.
     
  3. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I never described it as comforting or peaceful, however yeah to me the 'idea' of death (Depending on how you view it) is quite comforting. The idea of no longer being alive and not having to feel depressed or negative about myself is sort of good in my opinion. To me death is the end, i dont really beleive in the after life.

    However i appreciate your responce and i know from the thread you made that you made theres some similarities between mine and yours, we both are the same age after all. Im sure you can understand the feeling for resting for enternity. Life is really just tiring and bleak.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2008
  4. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    <mod edit: resistance - quoting deleted post>

    Sorry im not going to share methods of suicide. I hope you understand why, just dont want to be seen as helping you kill yourself because i feel that would be a very terrible thing.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2008
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Thank you D3ath. :hug:

    I only just came across this thread, and would like to point out that SF is pro-life and methods will not be shared out.

    D3ath, I am glad to hear your attempts at ending your life were unsuccessful, and I hope SF is some help to you. It's good you have people close to you who are keeping you here, keep thinking of them, and turn to them in your times of need. I'm sure they want to be there and to help you. Have you considered professional help? Maybe medication or some sort of therapy. When we're feeling really rubbish suicide does seem like the only way out, but, it isn't.. there are other options out there.

    Take care of yourself.
     
  6. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I do have a one friend in particular who i can talk to unfortunately i don't think she can help me, however shes very understanding about how i feel. Most of my months recently just been filled with sadness, i never feel completely happy however socialising with people over the internet does get my mind of it slightly although never completely.

    Whenever people come round my house now days i find it difficult to be in the same room with them, partly because i know id be terrible at conversation and a real mood killer. I also feel very uncomfortable being around anyone who i dont see everyday recently too.

    Everything which i do leads back to depression now i feel its just a way of life and theres no way of getting rid of it :(, it gets very tiring. Specially due to the lack of sleep recently. Also i dont feel comfortable seeking medical advice anymore due to what impact it might have on my future options. I feel theres no point in getting help if that help going to affect me so much that it could lead back to depression.

    After the first 2 months of feeling constantly sad (back then i didnt really want to label myself as depressed as i felt it wouldnt help me come out of it). Anyway i went to that doctors and breifly told him what causing me to be feeling like this, he just said what i felt was normal after a breakup and said things would get better - however they never did just alot worse. I dont blame him i know he did what he could i didnt expect him to just start handing out pills, even if i hoped for some to help me. He told me to return if i ever felt suicidal or still felt this way in a few months. However now i dont really want to go back to share my experiences again, as i feel it would be for nothing i dont think medication or therapy would help me. I dont think i'll ever be ready to be cured, as that would involve forgetting stuff which i dont want to forget. Maybe im in denial about what happened im not sure, i feel alot of confusion inside and just heart broken.

    I promised my friend i'll give things another go i just know i dont want to live the rest of my life like this, as its just going to get worse and cant always rely on people. If things fail maybe suicide is the only option however selfish it might be it could be for the best in the end.

    P.s I may go back to the doctors to try to get some sleeping pills, so hopefully things might be less difficult on my attempt to get things back on track.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2008
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Will you try the doctor again? He can't help unless you are honest about feeling suicidal. Pills aren't the only option, he could refer you to a counsellor or therapist. You talk about your "future options" and how seeing the doc might interfere with them... but if your depression worsens, and you kill yourself, there aren't going to be any future options.

    I've also survived several attempts and felt the shame and despair that goes with that. When I'm depressed my thinking is very black and white... I tell myself I've always felt this bad and I always will. But it's a lie. In the years between episodes there have been moments of great joy, new friends I've met, new bands I've discovered, new art I've made. I just forget all of this when I'm depressed because the darkness takes over.

    Please try again with the doctor or a therapist?
     
  8. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    I don't have a clue about eternity, but these days resting is my escape. I crave sleep so I can dream. I may be narcoleptic since all I really want to do is sleep. Except narcoleptics usually drop off anywhere, which I don't. I just want to sleep ALL the time. I think it's probably the situation I'm in, but yawn
    it's boring so think I'll nap.
     
  9. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I have a habbit of over thinking things sometimes however yeah seeing the doctor regarding the depression may interfere with future careers. If going to the doctor stops me from getting the career which suits me, it could cause more harm. I rather have no future then one full of misery and depression.

    I understand what you mean Dazzle i too still experience some good feelings even recently, however the bad heavily out weighs the good. I hope you carry on experiences new hobbies and interests too and make friends along the way :).
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2008
  10. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I understand what you mean lol i always been slightly lazy when it comes to sleep :p. I hope you enjoy your dreams i know they can be seen as a sort of escape for some people :).

    Just to clarify the resting for enternity phrase was regarding the method for suicide i had planned (dying in my sleep).
     
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