Revealing Depression in a New Relationship?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Mr. E, Oct 30, 2011.

  1. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    We've been seeing each other for about a month and things are going well. We just became "official." He's remarkably well-adjusted with a very positive outlook on life. He's expressed a need for positivity in his relationships. I'm not exactly a pessimist, but I am a cynic and I do have clinical depression, for which I am not currently seeking treatment >.< The reasons for that are complicated.

    Luckily, I've been in a decent place with regard to my depression for the last couple of months, but there are still hints of it, and I have never been able to keep it at bay for an extended period. He hasn't seen that side of me yet, and I have not disclosed my condition. I feel as though it's simply a matter of time before it rears its ugly head and ruins the relationship. I don't know how to circumvent this ruin.

  2. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I think it's best to be straight forward about it. It wont be easy to explain but if he is reasonable he will at least try to understand, and be patient when the time comes.

    Most people now a days understand enough about depression to at least listen and try to learn more.

    Maybe let him know that you have struggled with depression but don't go too far into detail till the relationship has progressed a bit more, just stick to the basics like triggers and how you cope.
  3. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    This is just my two cents so, feel very free to leave it . IMO, if it is a serious committed relationship, you have to be honest, even if it means risking rejection. Nothing solid can be build on dishonesty. In the long run, it will just hurt you and the other person. When I met my hubby almost 9 years ago, as soon as it hinted to become a committed relationship, I told him all about my issues: that I had been hospitalized for depression and that I was still using medication but it was under control most of the time. When the hard times came back, he was there for me. It was at times difficult, but he never resented me or felt that I deceived him. You would not want to go into a relationship where somebody hid from you something so important and that can affect him as well as you. In any case, you wont feel love for who you are as long as you keep it for yourself. Believe it or not, if he is the right person for you, he will accept you for who you are. There is nothing that says it will end up in disaster if you talk openly about it with your bf. Nobody is perfect. Depression is an issue you have, but it does not define you. We are all much more than being depressive. But if you cant talk about it to the person you want to be the closest to you, with whom can you?
  4. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    You make some good points, although sometimes you can scare the other person off. Sadly lot's of people don't want to know or don't care about your past and things you're currently dealing with.

    For example when we and my sons mom started a relationship(after my son was born) I slept over at her place one night and told her a bit of stuff about my life and past. Well she picked a fight with me over nothing a few days later and told me she still liked a guy texted and called other women in front of her. She even went as far as telling me she and her friend made a fake FB to see if he'd bite for this girl when they went even together. Then she was on a dating site looking to meet random guys, she also said some insulting things to me... :(

    Honesty is rarely a bad policy. I've read that Nietzsche felt honestly was a weakness. I tend to be quite open and honest and it has bitten me in the ass a few times. It might be best to kind of slowly tell the other person about your situation and not lay all of your cards on the table right away.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 30, 2011
  5. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    I think you need to lay everything out on the table. Even in an optimistic relationship there will be pessimism. Its inevitable. He needs to know about your depression so when that side of you does come out, he wll know that its the result of the depression. And if this is a serious relationship, then he will have to accept this side of you, and help you overcome your depression.
  6. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Only reveal your depression if you believe it's worth the possibility of losing him.
  7. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the advice everyone. I know I can't keep this a secret forever; just trying to determine the right time to discuss it.
  8. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    So... this relationship fell apart... mainly because my attachments needs were too much, and his too distant, among a number of other discordant issues. Then he came back to me saying that he wanted to be with me and could compromise to make it work. That lasted briefly, before he came to the second realization that we couldn't work.

    For some reason, this second time hurt the worst. Came close to leaving this world yesterday night...
  9. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Being alone isn't too bad, there are many advantages. I'm 21 and never been in a relationship. From what I've observed, relationships are just a hassle and overcomplicated people's lives. I prefer simplicity.
  10. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out. It's a cliche, but it's better to have found out now than when you have invested even more into it. Please try to find support and stay strong, I know it hurts, but you deserve more.

  11. Sardaukar

    Sardaukar Well-Known Member

    Ironically we are both depressed :/ well not so much anymore but, still. To be honest, i think it brought us closer together, being the same, so we understand each other more.
  12. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree with the cliche. I was so hurt after this and it was so short; I couldn't imagine how it'd be a year in.

    I agree. As crazy as it sounds, I kinda want to date someone who can relate. My ex, he is so well adjusted it's sickening. He's never depressed, he's always super cheery, he doesn't feel any inclination to confide in anyone about his problems, which are limited to begin with. He doesn't seem to have experience in dealing with genuine hardship, externally or internally. I thought that would eventually be our undoing as well...
  13. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    I think il just stay on my own,nobody normal would wanna be with someone with my problems. If I was normal I don't think I'd want me and if I managed to find someone with the same kinda problems I'm not sure that would work. We would probably just drag each other further down. I had a chance of love about four years ago and I slowly started to reveal my weaknesses but I just felt too embarrassed to reveal the extent of my social phobias and stuff. After about 8months I just started engineering arguments and sure enough she dumped me,I thought I'd make it easy for her as id only have made her life a miserable one in the end. I'm many things but I'm not selfish and it tears me apart to make somebody unhappy.