Revenge or Let it Go?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by yous, Nov 4, 2011.

  1. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I was in a destructive "so-called" relationship for about a year and a few months. This guy I fell hard for treated me like crap while I tried hard to please and pursue him. I had no other rebound or other guys or friends to help me so, I stuck with him. It was a long distance, internet, phone text kinda relationship. In other words we only met once briefly, yet we kept in somewhat of a contact where I had hoped we could have a relationship yet he toyed with me, called me names, and treated me because he was a jerk and didn't care.

    Anyway, he has since moved on(has a girlfriend now), and it crushed my hopes of ever building a normal relationship with him as pathetic as I am. I was fine being just friends, but he seem to push me away and it was like chasing a celebrity for me. It took a lot of me, and pushed me more into depression and suicidal thoughts.

    Anyway, it's been about a month now since I haven't spoken to him because I tried hard to forget him, yet each passing day I want to do something to hurt him back for all the one year he put me through torture. I keep telling myself to let it go and by doing revenge it was not going to change the way I feel or get him back or anything, but at the same time I keep feeling he needs to learn a lesson from being such a Jerk. I have a rather good lesson to revenge on him(I won't say what it is), but it should put at least a small amount of humiliation on him. He may know it's from me, and he may not because it will be done carefully. I figured if I wasn't going to be with him anyway, and he wasn't going to contact me anymore, then I would have no loss.

    What do you think? Please advise. I'm hurting anyway, but seeking revenge may be good for what's coming for him for what he did to me.
  2. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for what sounds like a very emotionally straining situation.

    Erhm.. well Id say no to revenge. I know someone that would say yes aswell. I say no because what goes around comes around. If you do something, he'll more than likely do something. Or if you believe in Karma, life will get you back, either through other means, or you someday feeling wrong for taking revenge.

    Thing is.. the best thing I think is to own up to yourself. You were in a nasty sorta relationship I guess. But you had the opportunity to walk away, yet you continued on. I'm not bashing you, I can understand it completely. I just think the best thing is to focus more on being honest with yourself and forgiving yourself, and ultimately maturing parts of you. I don't know why you liked him, but I'm assuming a part of it was future ideas and plans, that would help you feel a certain way, or feel something.
    It's just.. when relationships turn sour, you feel hurt on many levels, and sometimes you want to balance that hurt by making the person who you has hurt you, feel pain or humilation. At that point, it's who you want to be. No one can tell you if it's right or wrong, we can only suggest. But I'd say, that even if you do get revenge, that hurt isn't going anywhere, you're just blanketing it with some sense of satisfaction in hurting him. The pains still there.

    In all fairness I'd say fuck him, he's not worth it. You're worth a million of him, he never knew you, never could, and never will. His loss, so fuck it. :smile:
  3. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I know it is tempting to hurt those who have hurt us, trust me I really do. But I also know that it will only give you relief for a moment, then it will still hurt as bad as (if not worse than) you are hurting now.
    You have the choice, yes, but I think the better choice is to let it be and hold your head high knowing that you did not stoop to his level and you are better than him for that.
  4. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Thanks for both of your responses.

    Do you really believe in Karma (or what goes around comes around)? Personally I never saw this happen. I'm in my late 30's and usually good things happen to jerks while those good are last in line. So I don't really see this concept happening to this guy. Since I've known him, he has had 2 raises, promotion, increase in friends, and now a girlfriend. If what goes around comes around then he must be protected by some good luck shield.

    Yes I agree some of the pain is my fault for sticking with him, but it's not like I had anyone else. I live a rather pathetic life. I try to make new friends, but they never stick with me. I try to go out and socialize but it's always a failed attempt. I had to choose either loneliness or him, and he was the guy I had hope would "change".

    Taking on my revenge will not get me worse than I am now with him. I pretty much know this. He can't hurt me because there is nothing he has that can be thrown back at me. He never took the time to really get to know me. The worst it can go is that he won't speak to me anymore which he does that now. He can't call me any bad name calling than he has already done in the past. We live long distance so we don't know each other's family/friends.

    I have this attempt to embarrass him since I searched for a few important people to him on his facebook. I don't know how much of an effect it would have, but I do know it will have some effect.

    I know I will still be hurt, but how much worse can it get? I'm already living this awful life, full of depression, thoughts of suicide.
  5. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    You can waste your entire life on hate and revenge… what you need to do now is focus on yourself and figuring out what it is that will make you happy, which will never happen if you don't get over it.

    Think about one thing you've always wanted to do and then try to get it done.
  6. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I can't seem to get anything done. It's not just about being hung up on this guy. He had a lot to do with how I changed my life for the better (despite what I said). It was probably why i tried to keep him around. Now everything reminds me of him. Everything I try to accomplish or do on a daily. It's been difficult. How do I move on???
  7. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    You ever heard the saying "looking for Mr. Right"? Well, there is no such thing. There is only "Mr. Right now". Different people come into our lives at different times for different reasons. Then once that is accomplished they leave. Every relationship I have ever had has ended, but while I had them my life changed a little, with each relationship. Without my first husband I wouldn't know how to recognize an abusive man when I meet one. Without my second husband I wouldn't know how to recognize a bullshitter when I meet one. Without my last boyfriend I would be dead and without my current husband I wouldn't have my baby girl. Each person has an impact, good and bad. All of those relationships (excluding the current one) ended badly, but I took something good from each one too and in order to move on you have to recognize this and begin the path to the next lesson learned or the next life changing moment. Focus on the good and let the pain go, forgive him for hurting you and appreciate that time for the good it brought, and then move forward :)
  8. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    Make a list of things that you enjoy doing, and things that you want to achieve in life. Be realistic, but don't sell yourself short either.

    It's nice to have someone you care about in life, but you can't always depend on other people to make you happy or make you feel good about yourself.

    To me it sounds like you have a great big hole in your life and you're trying to fill it with this guy-- which is totally the wrong way to go about it. I'm not saying I don't have my moments of despair, but I'm positive that there are always ways to get your head clear or grow as a person.

    Maybe it's something as simple as trying to take a different way home from work/school every day… or making a list of things in the world that you want to see and places you want to go-- The Pyramids, the rainforest, the desert, the mountains… it takes money, but it's not something you'll regret I promise. It could also be something as simple as climbing at a tree or listening to the river or learning how to cook something new or learning a musical instrument or picking up a skill.

    My own life is pretty cruddy 80% of the time but I'll always have the time I climbed that mountain or got my scuba diving certification… if you would have told me that I'd be doing this stuff 10 years ago, I wouldn't have believed it… but they really weren't so difficult once I put my mind to it, and traveling all over has really helped me feel more independent and like I can handle all sorts of situations… which is something you can't do if you end up obsessing over someone else or trying to get revenge on people who wronged you.

    Sorry for going on and on but I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to give yourself goals to aim for and start pushing yourself to enjoy your life more… pick yourself up RIGHT NOW and DO IT. Sorry if that sounded pushy, but really, if you're that low, it's not something that you should put off.
  9. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your suggestions, but in all honesty I lost all motivation in the things I used to love doing. It reminds me too much of my past and this guy had a lot to do with all the things I used to love doing. So it's not just the guy I'm leaving behind, but a lot of me died too with him.

    I still feel I need to hurt him for all that he mistreated me. I understand what you all are saying and that I should move on and be good, but in this world do we really live like that? Do good things really come to those who wait and do good because in my life and learning about history, it has always been about revenge.
  10. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    ^^You seem pretty set on doing it, and you also seem pretty determined to get other people to tell you that it's a good idea.

    Never mind what 'the world' is like-- what kind of person do YOU want to be?? And maybe the reason 'the world' is the way it is is because 'the world' has the same attitude that you do?

    Getting revenge is only going to make you look bad and make him feel big because he really 'got' to you… if you do this, you're basically telling him that he's so important to you and so amazing that you feel the need to hurt him. And if you do it, he'll probably be angry about it but ultimately he'll also realize that cutting you out of his life was probably the best thing he could do… and what's more is he'll probably end up regretting that he ever talked to you in the first place.

    Trust me, I know-- I had a girl break up with me in a really cold way-- I guess it wasn't exactly a deep meaningful thing or anything, but still I felt like I was owed a bit more than a brief e-mail that didn't even really explain things-- and part of me wanted to go after her and try to tell her what was what and such-- but in the end I just ended up never speaking to her again-- I took the attitude that she was just so unimportant to me that the fact that I wasn't ever going to see her again wasn't even close to being a big deal, and she definitely wasn't worth fighting for or trying to convince that she was worth even another split second of my time… and now I'm actually really pleased that I was able to hold back, because I at least kept some of my dignity… sometimes being a better person is the best revenge.

    And anyways, taking some sort of malicious revenge is just going to involve you in more BS and it's probably just going to make you feel even worse-- are you sure that you want to do that??
  11. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Hmmm, I will have to give your sound advice a little thought. You made quite a lot of sense there. (as did you all as well).

    Unfortuantely, FYI, I am this type of person (to pathetically stoop to that level and cause the pain to others that deserve it). Of course I won't go as far as to do extreme harm like I saw people do in the news, but I always feel people who harm me or others first, deserve to learn a huge lesson in life. For those of you who believe in 'what goes around, comes around' - I really do hope so.
  12. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I'm exactly like you in that when someone hurts me, I want to hurt them back. When my ex hurt me with cheating and lying all I wanted to do was hurt him the way he had hurt me - even though I knew it made me a complete bitch and a monster, I felt like he deserved it for what he'd done. It's difficult to talk yourself down when you feel like that, especially with all the pain going on in the background too as a constant reminder.

    I'm not going to say you shouldn't get revenge, because that'll make me a hypocrite. In the end it's your decision, and as long as the revenge you have planned isn't illegal or have the potential to physically harm anybody, then in a weird round-about way, I think it's okay, to some extent.

    I'm not saying you should do it either, though. If you do it there's a chance that in time you'll come to regret it and look back and wonder at what a monster this man turned you into, but at the same time I understand completely how it feels to want to hurt somebody so badly, especially when they're obviously happy and you clearly aren't.

    Whatever you decide to do, just remember to keep safe and be careful. In time you WILL get over this guy, it just takes a bit of time and distance from him. If hurting him back is the closure you think you need to move on, then that's fair enough.
  13. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I will have to seriously think hard about what I am about to do. Thanks for all of your advice. Everyday I fight to move on, but everyday I think about him and what could have been if he wasn't such a jerk. If only situations were dealt differently. I'm afraid I can't find someone else like him. It's really hard to explain.

    I know hurting him is not going to make a difference with the way I feel or change the situation between him and me for the good. But he did take a huge advantage of my trying to be a good person to him and my well being without even realizing it or caring. It has so much crippled me now that I can't even go out to meet new people or focus on my career and interests anymore (because it reminds me too much of him in whatever I do). Instead of moving forward, I have regressed a lot. Before I had not been exposed to a lot of life activities, but since then he has opened a lot of things in life, and it's hard to just forget what has happened and all I learned. Granted I chose to stick with this abusive relationship, but it was only because I had no knowledge of what it was like to be in one and he had helped initially with my career and opened doors to interests I never knew of with myself. Now I can't continue. He made me realize I could love or be able to have friends! ME! I had hoped to at least be friends with him. Because before him, I had absolutely no one. So I "chased" him hoping to learn more and grow. Yet with each pursuit, there was a huge price to pay as I got deeper. I spent nights crying and trying to understand why he was the way he was when all I was was kind. I never caused him any problems and people around was normal, had normal friends, only this guy was difficult and disappointing to just say hello to as time wore on. And I wondered why me?

    I would sometimes try to address the situation and he would always turn the blame on me. Yes I have tried many, many times to just forget him and leave him and move on, but move on to where? And it was already too late. I knew so much about him and didn't want to let go. Maybe girls have a more difficult time in letting go after a while of building a relationship? No matter how destructive.

    I have something good to get him back with. Well at least I think it's good enough. He may or may not know it's coming from me because it will be through an anonymous internet thing, and besides I think he doesn't even remember/care about me anyway. But it is enough to ruin his reputation(I'm guessing at least a little and temporary). If not to make him learn a lesson, but to at least embarrass him for the jerk he is to his family, coworkers, friends.

    I have tried reasoning it out and thinking the way most of you tried to convince me, but it's hard to just let this go. Though I am fighting to forgive/forget. But I take years to recover from an awful situation and I just can't take it anymore. For all that he has hurt me, and he is still living this wonderful life while I feel like killing myself everyday. How is that fair? I never did anything wrong, always tried to stay positive and be good to people. But with him, I saw him toy with people and name call, be a jerk with people and yet he is able to get a few promotions and raises at his job, exponential friends, and be happy. How is that Karma? I never did anything to hurt anyone to such an extent. Yet when something happens to me, it happens really, really bad. I had to endure heartache and loss as if I a lot of part of me was dying. I had suffered a lot in the past before him, why did I deserve another?

    Sorry for rambling, but I had to get some steam off my chest.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2011