I'm in & out of lucidity. Sometimes I know who I am and other times I don't. I don't know what's constructed or contrived. Except when I'm drunk and high... I can truly be myself. My sober my mind is powerful. I have spent years building a life that isn't my own. Sober it can with stand any effort I make to reemerge as who I truly am. My closet door is a glass, revolving door. Except I wonder who's seeing right through me. Who will stop the door from spinning? In what live will the door lead me to? I want my life back. That is all that I tell myself. I want my life back. I want to be content with who I am, but I've gotten so go at being someone else. Where do I go from here? Sometimes I've messed up so bad that I think I'm better off dead. I am nothing, no one, and nowhere. Where do I go from here? God, help me. I just want my life back... But what would that life be like? Would I want that either?