I hate using my real name on the forums, but I really don't care anymore. If people refer to me at Rianne in chat, why not refer to me as Rianne in post replies and on my user panel as well? Anyways. I'm not here to ramble about that. I'm here to tell you guys about how unwell I'm doing. A lot of people in chat know already - the last 2 weeks of my life have truly been a nightmare. I've been SHig a lot, taking a lot of pills, drinking a lot, and just not being how I used to be. I'm starting my new med cocktail tonight - I got Zypreza Zydis (olanzapine for you non-US residents) 5mg to add onto my 10mg of saphris, 900mg lithium, 1.5mg klonopin, 50mg vyvanse, 50mg anafranil, birth control, and a vitamin. 12 "pills" total. 16 pills total if you add my gabapentin and flexeril that I don't take. With this said, the Zyprexa Zydis is used as a last-ditch effort to make it possible for me to go to sleep without having flashbacks, which has been happening every day that I've pulled 2 all-nighters in order to escape it for one night. It's also hopefully going to reduce the voices even more since 20mg of Saphris wasn't an option since it's too sedating, makes my body twitch, and I really can't function that good. The Zyprexa is also going to hopefully help with the paranoia. I've been having extreme paranoia. So badly that I've been isolating myself from my closest SF friends because I have a feeling like they're talking behind my back, making fun of me, talking about how stupid I am, and it's emotionally draining me a large deal. I've had to make a few confrontations to try to come to terms with reality - they told me they'd never do such a thing - but my mind doesn't want to believe it. The voices are aimed at making me feel little, making me feel worthless, the voices and paranoia together make me feel like how I was prior to being on antipsychotics. Maybe the Zyprexa will give me that extra boost, but what if I'm truly getting worse despite all of the meds I'm on? Anyways - I'm not doing well. I haven't SH'ed this much in a long time. I've never been this paranoid. I'm trying to avoid the hospital at all costs, since my meds would be screwed up once again (I was in the hospital for 2.5 days in March before I got so fed up that I discharged myself - they were taking me off of the majority of my meds). If in a few weeks things don't truly get any better, I might not have much of a choice but get hospitalized. I really want to go to a hospital in Massachusetts where they have wards based on what disorder you have, so all of the patients you interact with have an idea of what you're going through. It's going to cost a deal of money if I go there because I'm sure my state insurance won't cover it, but I'm not going to the adolescent wings of the hospitals in my State anymore. They did me some help in 2010 and 2011, but not anymore. I'm officially done with my schoolwork as of today so I can go into an adult ward now. I'm begging for somebody to talk to me - pm me - message me on here - message me on msn - message me on skype - just help me get through the night. Please. I'm not sure how tonight will be for me and I'm really afraid. I'm not doing okay.