Rianne's going nuts again...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by houseofcards, Apr 30, 2012.

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  1. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    I hate using my real name on the forums, but I really don't care anymore. If people refer to me at Rianne in chat, why not refer to me as Rianne in post replies and on my user panel as well?

    Anyways. I'm not here to ramble about that.

    I'm here to tell you guys about how unwell I'm doing. A lot of people in chat know already - the last 2 weeks of my life have truly been a nightmare. I've been SHig a lot, taking a lot of pills, drinking a lot, and just not being how I used to be.

    I'm starting my new med cocktail tonight - I got Zypreza Zydis (olanzapine for you non-US residents) 5mg to add onto my 10mg of saphris, 900mg lithium, 1.5mg klonopin, 50mg vyvanse, 50mg anafranil, birth control, and a vitamin. 12 "pills" total. 16 pills total if you add my gabapentin and flexeril that I don't take.

    With this said, the Zyprexa Zydis is used as a last-ditch effort to make it possible for me to go to sleep without having flashbacks, which has been happening every day that I've pulled 2 all-nighters in order to escape it for one night. It's also hopefully going to reduce the voices even more since 20mg of Saphris wasn't an option since it's too sedating, makes my body twitch, and I really can't function that good. The Zyprexa is also going to hopefully help with the paranoia.

    I've been having extreme paranoia. So badly that I've been isolating myself from my closest SF friends because I have a feeling like they're talking behind my back, making fun of me, talking about how stupid I am, and it's emotionally draining me a large deal. I've had to make a few confrontations to try to come to terms with reality - they told me they'd never do such a thing - but my mind doesn't want to believe it. The voices are aimed at making me feel little, making me feel worthless, the voices and paranoia together make me feel like how I was prior to being on antipsychotics. Maybe the Zyprexa will give me that extra boost, but what if I'm truly getting worse despite all of the meds I'm on?

    Anyways - I'm not doing well. I haven't SH'ed this much in a long time. I've never been this paranoid. I'm trying to avoid the hospital at all costs, since my meds would be screwed up once again (I was in the hospital for 2.5 days in March before I got so fed up that I discharged myself - they were taking me off of the majority of my meds). If in a few weeks things don't truly get any better, I might not have much of a choice but get hospitalized. I really want to go to a hospital in Massachusetts where they have wards based on what disorder you have, so all of the patients you interact with have an idea of what you're going through.

    It's going to cost a deal of money if I go there because I'm sure my state insurance won't cover it, but I'm not going to the adolescent wings of the hospitals in my State anymore. They did me some help in 2010 and 2011, but not anymore. I'm officially done with my schoolwork as of today so I can go into an adult ward now.

    I'm begging for somebody to talk to me - pm me - message me on here - message me on msn - message me on skype - just help me get through the night. Please. I'm not sure how tonight will be for me and I'm really afraid. I'm not doing okay.
  2. kmj221

    kmj221 Well-Known Member

    Rianne- I know you've been going through a really rough few weeks. But, you have made it to monday which was an accomplishment in itself. I hop so very much that your new med helps and that you feel better, once again. I know you don't talk to me often, but if you ever need to I'm here. I'll probable be on chat most of the night, so I hope very much to help you through this. *hug Kim
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Houseofcards - :hug:

    Is there anyone you can call as sometimes speaking with someone helps too.... Here is good and online is good too, but sometimes that human connection with hearing anothers voice. Please stay safe, if you feel very afraid that things are getting too bad, please call a hotline.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i too hope those meds kick in and you can get a good night sleep just know people care about you ok hugs
  5. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend


    I hope your meds have kicked in and you re blissfully asleep. If you need me, you know where to find me.
  6. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Rianne, if it is any consolation to you I AM NOT DOING WELL EITHER. Don't worry about using your real name. I use my real name as everyone on SF knows. Nothing happens. Absolutely nothing happens. I don't think anyone cares about me. real name or alias.

    No one even send me a message, except to ask about hurtlion.

    From Jan 2nd 2012 until this very minute. Nobody sends me any message. That should tell you just about how much anyone on SF values me. I have ZERO value. If anything I probably have NEGATIVE value. Or if anyone here studied higher mathematics. I have IMAGINARY value.

    You should be glad that you at least have better value here on SF than I ever have. How many people attended your birthday party? How many people do you think will attend mine? Be glad Rianne, there are worse things in life.
  7. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    I ended up attempting last night, and it feels like nothing's happened to me whatsoever. I'm scheduling a doctors appointment to have her check my liver and kidney functions just to be safe but I'm extremely disappointed in myself. I never thought my problems would send me over the edge, but I guess full moons just don't like me lol .
    Things will get better though, I know they will, thanks to everybody that's helping me get through this.
  8. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your in so much pain. You should be proud that your still here. There's so many strong people on this forum, it's upsetting that you all suffer.
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