Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Spearmint, Jan 9, 2008.

  1. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    *Trigger, possibly.*

    I'm so stupid.
    So fucking stupid that I can't stand it.
    So fucking idiotic.

    I sit here, and I think. I make plans of all these wonderful things I'm going to do, but I never fucking do any of them. I sit here, and I take up space. I take up air.

    I sit here, and I pop pills, pill after pill after pill.
    I sit here, and I burn my legs to an indecipherable mess.
    I sit here, and I cut my arms to pieces.

    I'm ridiculous.
    I'm fucking 15 years old, and I'm a fucking addict.

    How ridiculous. That's the only thing I can use to describe my life.
    Just ridiculous.
    A waste.

    I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    you are not a waste. you have problems that you need to sort through but you are not a waste. when you go to your doc you really need to tell them about the cutting, burning etc. if you haven't already. Jess, you need help, you can't do it alone as much as you want to. I love you to bits hun and don't want to see you hurt the way that you do. :hug: you know where to find me.
  3. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I know your exact feeling, wrote a poem about it in fact
  4. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I am a waste. I have problems that I'm trying to sort through and I always end up back where I started.

    The doctor already knows about the cutting and burning, thanks to my oh-so-lovely mother.

    I know I need help, I know I can't do it myself, but I don't know how to get the help I know I need.

    :hug: Thanks.

    :unsure: Uhm..Okay..Sorry you know the feeling. :hug:
  5. jonstark

    jonstark Well-Known Member

    Jess, you are not a waste of space, you just feel like a waste of space.
    You help and support other people on this forum and that's great.
    And as for yourself, you are doing great exploring and mastering the thieving English language.

    Take care! :hug:
  6. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Jon, thanks. :laugh:
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I know we both don't talk about ourselves openly much at all as it's hard to do. Please know that anytime you do need to talk, just to get what you are feeling out, know that oyu can MSN, PM, or come kick me in person anytime. We don't talk as much as we used to but I am still always here to listen.

    As for you saying youa re a waste, that's absolute bullshit and I hope deep down you know that. I know you hide how you are feeling, you hide behind the smiley emotes and the facade that you are okay. One day that facade is going to break Jess and the way you are feeling is going to come out and possibly in a not so great way. Take baby steps if you have to talking to me or someone else if you don't want it to be me. Take small steps and in time you never know, you could be seeing things from a different light.

    you are worth alot more than you give yourself credit for. don't let the negative things family etc. say. Lean on the positive things that the people who do care about you say. You are a wonderfully remarkable young woman. You have so much to offer this world, so much potential, you just have to wade through the bullshit and the negativity to find it. I do hope you find a way to cope with the negative (the cutting etc.) and fight for what's rightfully yours, a happy and healthy life. Stay safe hun.

  8. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Oh noes, I don't wanna kick ya. But thanks, I'm here anytime you need anything too.

    I like hiding behind the emotes, it makes it easier for everyone. Myself included, I know it's not healthy to bottle things up the way I do, but I hate feeling like I burden people, even though people tell me again and again that I don't. I just feel like I am, because of how I grew up, I grew up feeling like a waste of space, a burden, stupid, ugly, etc, etc, and it's hard to change 15+ years of feelings.

    :hug: Thanks, Kellz. :hug:
  9. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I know how you feel about how hard it is to change 15 years of basically learned behavior. You were made to feel something you are most definitely not. it's not too late to change that learned behavior and turn it into something positive.
  10. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I know it's not too late, but it feels like it's too late, you know? Life is just, I don't know. Life is complex, and life is one disappointment after another.