Riding the edge

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OneLove, Mar 23, 2014.

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  1. OneLove

    OneLove New Member

    I have never been one to whine, or complain. I know life is tough for everyone and everyone goes though tough times. But I am done and don't want to be.
    This isn't an over night decision. My entire life has been a strange soft struggle. I have never been on the street, or addicted to drugs, or anything that would give me a "legit" reason to give up, but in my eyes, this life is not worth living, and I want out.
    I didn't have a horrible childhood, but I didn't have a good one either. I wasn't abused, or starved; just ignored, or so I felt, which is common for a financially struggling family who has to work; I understand. At 26, I am still told that it's all in my head and they gave me the greatest childhood they could have; so perhaps I am just making things up. I have a tenancy for remembering the bad instead of the good. Like at 3 years old, doing something to make my parents mad which I don't remember what it was, but I do remember literally running for my life scared beyond belief trying to get away from my dad chasing me in the backyard. It was probably something stupid, but I remember that feeling of literal terror and thinking if he catches me, I am going to be killed. I spent my life playing alone. My older sister being a normal older sister, made fun of me for liking things that she didn't; and hated me for liking the things she did like. There was no escape from criticism. Again, which is normal I hear. But tore me down slowly. I spent a lot of time alone outside. Watching the wildlife. They became my childhood friends in a way. Along my life as most others do, you come in contact with animals that are injured, sick, need help. The routine was to stick it in a box, and hope for the best. Every morning on those days, I'd run out to find a dead animal. Horrified, I spent my young days learning and trying to figure out how to save them. Well at 26 now, I am pretty darn good at saving animals. I run the only pigeon specific rescue in my area. I have saved and released hundreds of baby, sick and injured birds. And it makes me sick. All this work to know they will fly free for a few moments, land on someones roof, to be trapped and killed, poisoned, and shot at.
    I am an animal lover through and though. They are so innocent. I see the horrors that people do to them on a daily basis. We beat and abuse them, torture them before we make them food, imprison them for entertainment, the list goes on and on. We overpopulate and give wildlife no room to run then hunt them for sport. This world is just ass fucking backwards. I am not a vegetarian. I know people need to eat to survive, but we are going about it all fucking wrong and I don't think we deserve this beautiful planet. We destroy everything we touch.
    Everything is about money. Big corporations and government take and take leaving the bottom to suffer. There is so much wealth in this world and so many suffer because of the greedy few.
    I don't understand it and I don't want to. We have people who are nothing but a dumb pretty face and make millions off of it, while other people are starving to death and stricken with diseases. It disgusts me to be a part of the human race. You say then be a part of the solutions....I have been. 26 years of trying my hardest to fix others wrongs, and make people understand that what they do effects others, and I'm done. For some reason, I have become a target, and gods cruel joke. If I didn't have it out for me enough trying to stand up for the little guy, I came down with a medical condition that makes all your hair fall out. Just for gods shits and giggles. I'm not sick. It's just the world picking on me. You say stop being vain, the people who love you love you for who you are not what you look like...well your just down right wrong. My long term relationship left me 5 years ago over it and my own family made fun of me for something out of my control. They aren't the right people and you will find someone that loves you for you you say? No. People have loved me, until I tell them. This isn't a new situation causing my crisis. 5 years of trying to be the bigger person and be strong. Got me nowhere but here. I'm very passive. Always trying to help others, and get nothing but hate in return and I don't know why. I've rationally tried to figure it out and I have no answers. But all in all, I don't want to do this anymore. The only thing keeping me here is believing suicide is a sin and I'm not even religious. I gave up on faith a LONG time ago. And my animals. I have a lot of rescues that I know would be killed if I were to die. That being the only facts that are keeping me alive are the things that brought me here.
    If there is some sort of help, I wish to try, but I honestly cant see any rational reason to keep fighting
    I have no friends, no support, noone watching out for me. So I feel pretty dumb looking to strangers for support but at this point, I couldn't think of anything better.
     
  2. Rime

    Rime New Member

    Hi friend, your story resonates with me for I am in the same place. No one to turn to no one who cares enough to listen. I even set date and is have my plan ready.. I am just tired just plain tired of fighting of hoping of crushing to pieces over and over again.. I give up I admit defeat.. I want to lay my burden down and rest.
    And like you I m turning to strangers to feel human to feel anything.. Would you care, friend, if we tried together to get through one day at a time..<mod edit - guidelines>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 23, 2014
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You see only the dark side of things there are many many wild life sanctuaries many people who volunteer their time to help animals in shelter and people who help other people
    the world has kindness in it you just chose to not see that kindness or you do not know where to look for it. Their is light in this world just when one is in such a dark place it is hard to see it. Hope you continue to reach out here you will see that there are many many kind people here too hugs
     
  4. OneLove

    OneLove New Member

    I would like this post deleted please. How do I do that?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 23, 2014
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Cannot delete thread because of site's policy.. Has replies.. But am closing this thread now..jimk
     
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