Right and Wrong

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LunaShadow, Aug 22, 2012.

  1. LunaShadow

    LunaShadow Active Member

    Hi. I don't really post much, just come here now and then to remind myself that I'm not alone in this battle within me, that there's other people. But now, I really do feel compelled to write, to share in hopes someone can give some advice.

    Well, I recently met a group of people who are wonderful (I'm Wiccan and they're basically a coven), they all have their past battles and whatnot and have been very supportive. Especially two of them, the High Priest and High Priestess. The thing is, at first I was pretty scared of the High Priest, because he reminded me of my older half brother who emotionally abused me for about two years, and even though he moved out, still comes over and we all act like nothing. Ever. Happened. But anyway, the priest, 26 just like the bastard, was a trigger and I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself that such a good person made me react this way, that I began to doubt my place in the group. I told them eventually, because the High Priest picked up on my awkwardness around him and then I told the Priestess as well and since then, now four months later, we have made progress as a group and I feel a heck of a lot more comfortable with him, as if I could trust him to some level.

    And yet, I always doubt that I'll stay. See, I'm moving away for school, but will come back for class, once a month, maybe more. But I feel as if all the progress I have made will vanish when I leave, as if in the end, they're better off without me. Because this whole year I fought and fought against my overwhelming desire to die, to kill myself and end my own suffering and ease the burden I place upon people. And that sort of thing hurts people, going through episodes, being depressed, wanting to die and struggling not to show it. I have my off days, and the High Priest handles them pretty well, understands that it's me, not him,and gives me my space, but still staying close by just in case. He's been very nice about everything, they all have, but I've done enough to them, these people I've come to see as family. I love them, care about them as if I've known them all my life, but I don't want to be a burden to them, taint them with my own darkness.

    My father left, my uncle walked away, my older half brother betrayed me...I'm pretty sure that on a subconscious level I want the group, especially the High Priest to give me the sense of family, of protection and safety that I lost years ago. And while for now, it seems like everything's hunky dory, and I'm not completely in a depressed spot right now...it's come back, it's inevitable. And I don't want them to get caught up even more in it. They deserve better.

    I know that one day I will give up completely and kill myself, known that for a while, and every day I fight to make sure that I can keep going as long as I can I know that despite a good day, I will always have a bad one. I know that even though right now, I feel happy with these people, feel as if they do care, one day, I will walk away from them before they can.

    I know...and it leads me to a decision. When I leave for school, should I stay there and cut off contact? Should I try to maintain a more casual relationship with these people to protect everyone? Or should I take a chance and fight for some happiness, even when I don't know what the end result will be and even though I'm scared?

    Huh. Seems like I'd rather fight...heh. I wonder how I can still go on...I wonder how I can still hope that I'm worth it and still have a chance at happiness...
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think it is in your hands to brake the cycle...not running away if these people are worthy of your company and not feeling betrayed...there is nothing wrong with seeking safety and caring as long as it is in a condition that is healthy for you.