Right back there again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BornFree, Dec 4, 2013.

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  1. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    I am sorryto be posting again. I just can't syop crying and that same overwhelming urgent need to make everything stop for good permanently.
    I cant say what has tipped the scales but the business not doing well son is sick again so more MRI Scans and tests and then what more surgery My daughter came home in tears cause the teacher yelled at her because I forgot to sort out a nativity costume for her - she wasn't the only little one but the teacher didnt yell at the other child. It just makes sense to end things now before they just get worse I can't do this anymore
    Our way out was supposed to be the business now H might lose his job.
    Maybe if my sisters see this one day they might understand how and why we had to go.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Ditsy, first, you are loved here. you can post as often as you want or need. Please know that you are valued. In the worst and best of times.

    I am sorry things are sort of caving in on you again. Shame on the teacher for doing what she did. I would like to verbally smack that teacher. Seriously. I wish I had been in the room at the time. How dare she.

    I understand that you believe things would be better for people if you were not here on earth. I wholly disagree with that. Aothough I do understand why people, including myself, feel this way sometimes or often. I hear you about the business. I am sorry that your h may lose his job. I hope he does not. or I hope that he does not lose a way of providing, one way or another. Even if it is a new job.

    When someone takes their life, it sends a shock through the lives of those who love him or her. A shock so strong that they never do recover from it. Especially the children and parents.

    I do know it is very hard being you. The physical pain. The hurt on other levels. So much of which you have no control over. The guilt. Which as far as I am concerned is not based on truth. But a peception that you are at fault. I know this is so crushing for you. all of it. I know it feels to you in this moment like death would help and benefit those whom you love. I so totally do not see it this way. I want you to know that nothing has been your fault. No matter how many times you have been told it is. NO matter how many times you have told yourself it is. I can feel in my heart that you are not to blame.

    My aunt was very upset. Because she thought her daughter had breast cancer. My aunt thought that if she did, then my aunt would be responsible. Because she had it, twice. I asked her if that means her mother and her grandmother were also at fault. Because we pass on our genetics even if the previous person did not have the illness or disease, they surely carried it. My aunt said of course she does not blame her mother or grandmother. It is true Ditsy. You are not to blame. Any more than the people in your lineage.

    You are such a beautiful soul. Youre being here on earth brings benefit to people that you may never realize. But it makes it no less true. I promise you I am right. I promise. Please do not rob this world of your light. I know this is a selfish request. And yet I make it. any time you want to talk to me, I am here. I care. And I see the positives of you that you do not see in yourself. You are a gift. And I am not meaning to sound flowery or sugary. I am serious. :hug: I am so sorry there is so much pain in your life. And there IS that pain. I care. i really do. :hugtackles:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun it is good you were there to comfort you daughter and i would be giving that teacher a dam ear full see if she likes to be yelled at Please hun hang on ok Hugs to you
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm sorry Ditsy, truly. I have no words either, but I would def have words for that silly ignoramus of a teacher... You are doing as good as you can at the moment. And what do you mean by "why we had to go"? :hug:
  5. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Flowers, TE & Mo :grouphug: Thank you Sitting here fighting tears, daughter home today, she was crying again about her costume as today is the dress rehearsal :( - I ordered it as I just couldn't face making it and of course the store has said due to the demand there is now an added 48hr delay so when R started crying I said maybe she should stay home. Funnily enough I felt her forehead and she felt hot when I checked her temp was 37.3C so I just kept her home.
    Just received a whopping invoice that is due to be paid on the 16th - I don't know where we are going to find the money. The kids are excited for Christmas and we don't have money.
    My son came home early from college his back pain is so bad he only wants to lie down, he is in pain cause he got the bone disease from me. The surgery to release pressure on his spinal chord is so risky the risks for death and paralysis is 50%
    The phone is ringing and I can't answer... I can't do this anymore.
    I am scared, what is to become of us. I can't be honest about how I am feeling as Social Services then get involved again... Oh God sorry I just don't know, Mo... I will have to take the 5th.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Well, Ditsy, re your son, he got it from your ancestors, as did you. I hope you will also consider that. Re your daughter, shame on that teacher for causing her so much pain, fear etc. Very unacceptable to do to a child. I am glad you kept her home. Even if she did not have a fever. I hope she feels better soon.

    I am going to ask the universe to provide your family and you with money. mostly you. So you can have control over it. I will add that to my list of requests for people. I want you to know that I am asking. For what its worth :hug:

    I wisn you could have a way to know that your son's condition is not your fault. any more than it would have been my aunts fault if my cousin's tests had been positive. I used to do work in releasing genetic / cellular stuff from the past. sometimes it would be traced back scores of generations. Never one or two generations. Ever. it is just not your fault. I know there is no way for you to believe that. But I hope you can add my thoughts in to the multitude of thoughts you have regarding it. :hug:

    Ditsy, I hope with all my heart that things financially turn around for you. I know only too well how hard that can be. If I could just have some financial security I think things would change significantly. So I know. I remember when I did.And how much easier things were. How much less frighting and threatning things were. I hope things can change for you. I so very much do. Because the one thing that does not change is your good heart. Yes it hurts. I know. But still it is such a good heart
  7. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Oh Flowers Thank you :hug: I can't stop crying the terror the panic, the sense of urgency, I can't take it anymore the anger, all the fighting. I can't breathe urrgghh more tears maybe it would be for the best then all this would stop end once and for all. I am typing frantically before H comes in, he has gone up to apologise to son.
    Its like my Dad all over again, why did I marry someone so volatile?Have I made him like this, my sister said Dad was like he was because of me... well it stands to reason I have made my husband like this now too...
    Its all there the new supplies a months worth, oh God its stifling I just want it all to stop.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Ditsy, it is literally impossible that your sister is correct that you made your father volitile. Is your sister kind and caring and insightful with other people? Is she compassionate and wise?

    It is a psychological thing that we often do find a spouse or significant other who replicates the parent we had or have. If it is an abuser ( husband in this case) , then they will do everything in their power to convince the spouse (wife, in this case) that their anger is because of her. The place the blame on the spouse. Eg, your husband would place the blame on you. Because that is his nature. Perhaps your sister is a bit like your dad. I dont know.

    What I do know for sure is that you did not make your father or your husband this way. I can tell you this for certain. I can feel your good heart. And my feelings when they are this strong do not lie :hug: :arms: BTW, my mother used to blame her anger or anything that went wrong, on me. This is not uncommon with abusers. Do you think she was right? Of course you dont. But thats the same with you sweetie
  9. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Oh Flowers thank you I am so sorry, I so appreciate your care. I honestly can't do this anymore we need to go I cant see how we can make it through this the business should have been paying us we are barely managing to pay everyone else.
    Physically I am struggling more and more and its like this house of cards is just going to come crashing down and it will be all down to me, I gave in to the flu and went to bed instead of doing the
    Oh god and now I have lost all I wrote I can't even post properly there is no point sorry to everyone who has been so kind thank you. To my sister s please don't think there was anything you could have done and I am sorry we didn't get to see you again.Love you more than words can say.. always
  10. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Oh whatever, no one even notices or cares anyway. Thank you for everything please be kind to yourselves. goodbye
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I do care. I really do. I honestly did not see your post. I dont know why, But I promise you do care. I promise you this. Please, Ditsy, do not take your life. Just please dont. You mean too much to too many people
  12. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    We all care here, why wouldn't we? I can promise I care, flowers care, all of us care! But you have to believe us! Hang in there, you are important to us!
  13. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Hey Ditsy - I know it has been very rough - I can actually sympathize a great deal with many of your struggles. If I knew answers to make things easier I would certainly share them, but the only thing I am sure of is that dying sooner is not an answer.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just want you to know I care. :hug:
  15. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Miss Ditsy

    You've helped me a lot the last couple of years... you've been there for me... Why can't you let us do the same for you? I care, as others do. Please will you get in contact with me, either here, fb or txt? Let me call and we can chat if you'd like. :hug:
  16. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Sorry just typed a long message and lost it all. Sorry Thank you for caring :group hug: I can't do this thing called life anymore I am so tired of being ill.it would be better surely if we weren't here anymore. No more of a drain on resources.
    I am so sorry for everything.
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Ditsy,sweetie, it depends on what resources you are talking about. The human heart is a resource. Your sisters would be beside themselves with devistation. I know that because I know how I feel about someone I love very much who is quite ill. My heart will be devistated beyond description when he is gone. Death leaves a mark so deep on those loved ones who survive, that it cannot compare to the financial toll it costs to stay alive. Every single pound is worth it if it can keep a loved one alive.

    I do not know if this makes sense to you considering how much pain you are in. And believe me, I do understand that this pain is as real as can be. I just wanted to offer the other perspective as someone who is facing losing a loved one. I do not want you to take your life. No amount of money saved could ever justify that, sweetie. I do want to say that I am so very sorry for the tremendous pain you are in. On all levels. And no, that is not fair. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2013
  18. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your kind and thought ful responses.. . I am so sorry for any hurt and disappointment I have caused I wish I knew what to say but I have nothing left to give or say or even be or do anymore. .. I am so sorry I wish I was a better person. My life is over.
  19. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sweetie, you have not caused any hurt or dissapointment to me. And YOU are a BETTER person than you could possibly know. Years of bad treatment keep you from being able to know how good you really are. But I am telling you the honest and real truth. In all seriousness. You honestly are a very good person :hug:
  20. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Ditsy, please don't give up on us, at least. You have our hearts pouring out to you. Give us a chance to make you feel better.
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