Right to be mad?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Bambi, Jul 2, 2009.

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  1. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I have been struggling with this for awhile and was hoping to get some feedback for you guys.

    I know full well that others don't know how to deal with us and often shut us out or shut down. However I was really surprised at my mother walking out on me. My parents were down in the area (not to see me) and stopped by one night. They know I have bee depressed and very sad for a few months and know this has progressed to days where I hardly function and shared with them I wish I was dead. They both saw my methods when they happened to go near my desk so they know I have means. When they asked if I was feeling okay I started crying uncontrollably and said I am not okay, want to die, can't get it together to get a new therapist (regular one fired me as I would not agree to not commit) yata yata. Well they just said hang in there and just went to leave. Well I got mad but mostly sadder. I said how can you leave me here in tears, your own daughter. Well mom blurts back that she thinks I just want her to do things for her and she walked out the door. Dad gave me a hug and said he would come back after he dropped her off.
    So here is my question, do I have a right to be mad at my mother? I mean she just walked away and also blamed me so to speak. Now I show mention that when her sister was dying of cancer it was me that went over daily for weeks to care for her, clean her house, watch kids and make meals. Obviously mom does not see depression as a disease but she does know a bit about it or could make a point to learn about it. But to not offer comfort or hell throw me in a hospital? Well I am mad!
    Does this seem like proper behavior for a mother towards her daughter? Walk out while I am standing there in tears?
    Any input is appreciated I am trying to just love her but have not spoken to her since and have not intention of ever doing so right now.

    Thanks guys,
  2. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    This is very similiar to my own situation. I have not talked to my mother is many years and do not intend to in the future. Your mother sounds like mine. She just wants to evrything to be O.K. without doing anything. She doesn't want to put any effort into helping or making things right. That's wrong of her both as a mother and as a human being.

    Has she always fought you when it comes to what your feeling about things? Not just your current suicidal feelings but almost anything? That was the case between me and my mother. She fought me on everything. I finally said "I'm done with her" and stopped talking to her completely. ANd because of that my father stopped taling to me. Want to know something about that? It's not so bad. No more fighting them. My life is much more peaceful. I knwo that's not likely what you want. you want her to understand and give support. But there's a chance she's not capable of that. It sucks I know but dwelling on it will just cause more sadness. Accepting it is the first step to moving past it.
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Thanks for letting me know I am not alone!
    It is funny because my mind knows she is incapable but my heart still wants my mother and her love.
    That totally sucks about your Dad though as my dad is the one still rooting for me and talking to me. Did you have struggles with your dad before? do you think siding with her gave him an easy out without looking like our moms who basically abandoned us?
    my mom has always been sort of an air head, hard to tell if she didn't understand or she understood but didn't want to do anything to make things better. I mean she used to be ateacher so find it odd that she can care of others but now her own.
    thanks for your input and would love to hear more about your situation, the parent relationship is tough.
  4. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    Yes, there was no talking with me Dad about ANYTHING important. Small talk ONLY. My whole life. And with my Mom talking about anything that was bothering me or anything I wanted ALWAYS only led to a fight. A screaming fight. She didn't talk to me, she screamed at me. I was always at fault at everything, even as a young child. And she, of course was never wrong, never did or said anything wrong, at least according to her.

    I never felt that my parents were parents in the traditional sense. They put food on the table and clothes on my back but that was it. No emotional support what so ever. NONE. I realized as a teenager they were just caretakers, not loving parents. With all the fighting and complete lack of emotional support growing up frankly I'm suprised I'm not more messed up.
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I dont know what to say.

    I do know that my Mom was very supportive as I went thru the worst of it. I also know my Dad would be the same, if he was capable.

    I think that depression and suicide scares a lot of people. I am sure your Mom loves you and probably wanted to give you a supporting hug, but didnt know how to deal with it at that time. I mean, we are kinda crazy people. lol

    Seriously though....give your Mom sometime.. She needs to wrap her brain around all this stuff. Then after a couple of days call her. Tell her that you love her. Tell her even though you are suffering, that you want to keep fighting on...(Because you do, RIGHT?) and then tell her, that the main thing you need from her is her love. Understanding can come later. But tell her not to take too long with trying to understand either.

    Anyway..that's my advice. Not sure what good it is. lol

    But you are worthy to be happy. You have no idea how big your heart is!

    But Yes you have the right to be angry or upset.
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2009
  6. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys you have both been so very helpful. It has been about a month so time has come and gone...just really thought she would have sent me a letter or something.
    I am faced with probably being homeless or moving back in with mom and dad at the end of the month but how can i possible live with her? I mean for me it hurts more to be around people that know you are hurting but just don't do anything for you or just ignore your feelings. Hence the thoughts of suicide as my life is just falling apart. Ironically I realized my date is two days before her birthday so I am sure I will be viewed as an act to hurt her, hell maybe i should hang two days and really overshadow her birthday.
    Well thanks guys as anger is not an emotion I usually experience so sort of don't know what to make of me or it.
    Love ya B
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey B,
    You need to think of it as she doesn't understand.. Our parents grew up in a whole different era and mental health problems were tabboo.. You just didn't talk about them..
    I didn't talk to either of my parents for years, never attend holidays with the family because they would be there..I finally sat down with my father and talked from the heart and how much they hurt me.. Now my dad and me get along and he always asks how I am doing..My mom and me don't talk much because she is in her own little world.. She eats valuims like candy and is always spaced out..
    Us not talking doesn't mean I don't love her it just means I don't think mentally she is strong enough to discuss things like suicide..So don't be so hard on her just don't talk about those things with her and stick with your dad.. It sounds as if he supports you and your feelings..
    I don't know if you see a therapist or not but they can really help..They can teach you coping skills and teach you how to handle this bad blood between you and mom..
    I hope some of this helps..Take care!!
  8. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    My wife divorced me becaue of my behaviour (due to bipolar), my dad disowned me as he believed i was acting up and a waster and my mum is in denial, carrying on as if there is nothing wrong.
  9. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    I agree with forpetessake alot on this issue.
    I know that if i told my parents that i was having thoughts of suicide or cutting myself, my mom would probably break down and cry at first. Then she would probably blame herself (at least a little bit in her mind) and then call up someone else to deal with it while being a supporting character (like calling my uncle when my sister tried suicide). Like what was said before, these issues are scary to alot of people, and i can't imagine what it could be for a parent.
    Mind you, im thinking of a parent in the best of terms, but they would probably be very heartbroken, that their little boy or girl is in such a shithole that it isn't about finding a way out, but rather that death is the ONLY way out.
    So yeah, i would understand if it was fear first, concern second, and maybe understanding third.
    But to answer your question, yeah, i would be mad too if my parents left me in that state. Just because they don't know how to deal with it doesn't mean they can't give you a hug, or at least try some comfort.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I agree although your mother should have stayed and let you vent your feelings and try to give you emotional support not all parents have that in them. Perhaps she was never shown how to give compassion was her mother compassionate to her. I think she is just overwhelmed and instead of staying and saying what is it you need she runs because she doesn't know what to do. I am being accused of doing too much for my daughter caring tooo much so either way we loose Maybe if you write aletter to your mom telling her how you feel and what you need just her there emotionally maybe she will understand. I hope you feel better and yes you always have the right to feel any emotion that comes out but realize your mom may need help to to deal with the pain she is seeing and hearing from her child . Take care mary
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