Rock bottom... again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by newbie, Aug 11, 2012.

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  1. newbie

    newbie New Member

    In a very bad place right now, probably one of the worst personal spaces I've ever been in because it's a culmination of every time I've been here before. All too familiar, I've been here many many times and it's clear to me that it's never going to change. The only reason I have survived so far is because I have some tiny amount of hope that things can get better. But I know it's a dirty lie I keep telling myself. And because I'm too afraid to kill myself. I have a suicide plan however. Just need to go out and buy a few household items and set it into motion. Have even written a note.

    Hate every minute of my job and am so very very close to walking out. I don't know how I'm going to go in on Monday. I can't even get up in the mornings. I have no idea what I'm doing careerwise - I've tried very hard to find careers but all the options that have come up so far out of this career counselling program are shit and I seriously doubt I'll enjoy any of them and certainly cannot be bothered going back to university for another shit career, sacrificing my savings to live without income and getting back into debt again. Besides, I've missed the cutoff and would have to wait another year. There's no way I can stomach my job for another month let alone another year. I literally do nothing at work, I just can't handle it anymore. I have to pretend that it's all okay, then I ride the bus home and go downstairs into my basement. Anytime in public, it's a front, a lie. No one has any idea how I really feel.

    I feel completely alone. I have nothing to do in the weekend as I have no good friends or even people worth calling 'friends' for that matter. People I text don't text back. No one ever invites me out. I just sit here alone in my cold dark basement shut out from the world. I don't want to do anything on my own because I'll look like the loser loner which I am. So there's no release from the tyranny of the work week. Just more solitary time. My new place is a depressing dump and an extreme ripoff.

    I'm hopeless with girls and will never find anyone to marry. Have been single more or less my entire life. Hate the way girls are these days. Such shallow b*tches, get everything given to them, handed on a silver platter, guys hitting on them at every corner. Girls don't have a clue what it's like to be lonely. Then there's men. Just motherf**ers. Think about one thing. Then act all macho.

    Have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I'm unhappy and have been for the longest time, so many years that I don't even remember what it's like to be happy. Bottom line is I'm sick of life, again, for the millionth time. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to stay where I am. I really have no reason to stay here and I'm sick of the place. I can't go back home, I hate everyone back there. I feel like there's nowhere to go, nowhere to run and even if I did, I'm just going to end up in this situation again wherever I go, nomatter what I do.

    Tried medications, don't work. Tried counselling, doesn't work. It's like I was born this way or am destined to be this way for as long as I live. Which may not be much longer.
  2. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear things have gotten so bad, but I'm glad you chose to post rather than act out. I know how you feel on a little of things you just mentioned and have felt the same way as you before and even still relate to some of them. I went to college for 5 years and wound up working at a Dollar General for two years making nothing and working myself to death.

    It's also easy to lose faith in men and women going out into the world sometimes, but even just on this forum I've seen a lot of caring and compassionate people, and that helps give me hope for others.

    Hope things get better for you. Keep posting. It helps!

    - J
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