Rock bottom

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Axe805, Feb 7, 2007.

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  1. Axe805

    Axe805 New Member

    just liek everyone else on here... i dont know why im writing. and im sure you will see this and think oh hes like everyone else on here. let me think of a generic response to make him feel better... well dont bother. i just need to vent right now.

    i dont know where to start. today ive hit rock bottom. ive been depressed for a very long time. and alot of its girl trouble... well thats what started it. make a long story short... me and this girl dated for about a year and a half. maybe a bit more. well after a long time i realized i loved her. it took me atleast a year to realize it. and before that you know how your all puppy love and everyone says i love you to eachother but it never means anything. well it finally hit me. it was liek a whoa this is what love is. it was a whole new level of affection that i cant explain. ive only ever felt it with this girl and it was amazing. keyword was. well after about a year and a half i dont know what happened. but she one night hooked up with this other guy that she just met that night and then about a month later breaks up with me and goes out with him. i cant even explain how that fealt. the first love of my life and it was gone. that alone started my depression off for what has been permanent depression till now.

    then other things start to happen. stuff goes horrible at my job and its not my fault. im forced to quit. my parents get mad and bitch and yel lat me everyday about getting a new job. ive tried to. ive done everything and i cant they dont understand how hard ive tried to get one. they accuse me of not trying and being lazy and being a slacker because then they see my grades and those have started to decline a bit. my classes are ALL AP or Honors and i just cant handle it. so they are all declining because of it. they yell at me about that. then i got in a fight at school and got suspended where i got more crap. by saying they yell at me and give me crap about it. that is like the miniscule version of it. its horrible. think of all of this combined. i then get my 80 graphing calculator stolen that they think is my fault. they call me worthless and everytime i tlak to my mom she cant say one sentence without an f bomb abusive towards me. they dont understand. then they want me on varsity soccer and baseball and play club soccer and baseball. look at my life. i cant do anything with anybody. theres no chance of getting a new girlfriend with how busy i am and i dont want one. i want the girl i had. ill never get over her.

    everything combined has broke me down so much to where tonight i just couldnt take it. i told my parents how miserable i am and how i cant take it and i jsut want it all to stop. im actually doubting gods existence for the first time ever. im a catholic boy who was raised catholic so ive never ever doubted god. except now. so much has been absollutley horrible. how can one person feel so bad. why doesnt he jsut make everyone feel fine. he is god. you can find a way to keep all of the world happy. our minds are too simple to think thats possible but why cant he do it. why have my prayers never been answered. i jsut dont feel it anymore. and i just dont know if its really worht living...
  2. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    Hey Axe, sounds like a pretty shitty situation. I'm not one to make "generic" responses. You can look at any of my posts to see that. I'm not here to make generic responses and I don't agree with them either. Anyway, about the girl thing....I had a similar situation. I dated a girl for a long time but then I actually broke it off with her when I moved to florida for college. I late realized it was one of the worst mistakes of my life. What I've found is this. When you do find another girl, you won't forget about the first one, but the pain will severely be reduced. Usually it will stay reduced too. Thats the good news. The bad news is that the time that you don't have a girlfriend, you will feel like how you are right now. You will always want that one back, but as soon as another one rolls around (not to make it sound insignificant), then you will be much happier. I strongly believe that.

    With this said, I wouldn't rush trying to get into a relationship. You should just chill for a while. Unless a girl is obviously wanting to get with you, don't even focus your energy on relationships. I took AP and Honors in high school too. Not exactly the easiest stuff but you will get by.

    As for your parent situation, I dont think I'm in a position to give advice because I haven't experienced and therefore will not 'pretend' to tell you something that I have no idea about. Somebody here please help axe that has gone through a similar situation. And don't give him a bullshit generic response either.

    I am an atheist and therefore I don't believe in god. It has nothing to do with how depressed I am, because that wouldn't be a valid judgement. I was actually doubting gods existence for almost 4 years now. I didn't start getting really depressed until after that. Based on my interpretation of the world, there really isn't a reason for anything. Theres no real reason why you or me exist. Theres no reason for that girl to have run off like that. Theres no reason for anything. We give reason to things because it makes us comfortable and we are afraid to accept that life is truly meaningless. The only true meaning to life is what you make it.
  3. Axe805

    Axe805 New Member

    thanks for the reply... about the girl thing. its been a bit now. like 6 months and i cant get over it. so im defenitly not rushing into any other relationship. but like i said i dont want to. and for school... i might get by but it could keep me out of a better school. my gpa has significantly dropped. it could be lige changing and my parents wont let me drop them. with god... i still belive he is there... just i dunno... doubting like i said.

    tonight has been one of the worst nights in a long time. after telling my parents how i cant live like this i just went to my room and fell onto my floor sobbing. im not one to do something like this either. its finally broken me down to a point where now its killing me. and maybe i should just speed the process up
  4. Axe805

    Axe805 New Member

    any thoughts actually would be nice... i dont mean to beg for attention but you can only "vent" if someone listens.
  5. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    Welcome to SuicideForum. Sorry you're here.

    Loving someone need not merely mean the feelings you have for her, but also the actions you take to comfort, affirm, etc., her.

    Since you're still in school, your job is to study. The money you earn at the crappy jobs available to you in high school doesn't even come close to the money you'll lose by doing poorly in school. So don't bother thinking about getting a new job. You've already got one.

    Losing the confidence that you can succeed in a class is a very big step toward not succeeding in it. Having confidence is not sufficient to success, but it is almost always necessary.

    Wow. That took guts.

    Heh. Welcome to the depressed Catholic overachievers club for men. In case you're wondering, I'm the president, but I'm also a client.

    Because He made us with free will. And very few of us use that free will wisely. For some reason, He seems to value the process of learning as much as the final wisdom gained.

    Perhaps because you're not praying right? No, I'm not suggesting Aztec-style human sacrifices to get His attention. But rather, set aside your petitions to Him, and rather simply express your gratitude (for whatever you can find, big or small). Let all your thinks be thanks.
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Axe you aren't begging for attention mate,about the girl situation I know what it's all about there were a couple girls in my life that I was in love with I did have the chance to get with them but I was to shy at the time.Anyway what happened was I still had strong feelings for them and saw them with a guy being so close and all that crap it hurt so badly and did for so long,I know it hurts so much now and coupled with everything else it is a nightmare.
    I'm not sitting here typing crap to supposedly make you feel better,but seriously to let you know I know what it's like I grew up with an abusive alcaholic father always mentally abusing me and physically many times.
    You have a friend in me and I do understand exactly what you're saying and feeling believe me on this,I hope you can open up to me mate I really do and let me reassure you that you are no attention seeker etc.
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