Hi everyone ive been holding my feelings in for so long now i just have to release and this seems like a good way to do it, so here it goes. I been a disturbed individual for a very long time now but i dont know why. I hate life I dont want to live but i i lack to courage to end my life. I have no friends except one but he is clueless as are my family cause i always put on a show when im around them. Im 24 and havnt had a girlfriend for 5 years. I pretty much avoid all human contact when possible even the simplest task as going to the store or to a restaurant is very hard to do, i feel like everyone is looking at me judging me or something, im paranoid all the time, sometimes im even delusional. I feel like im losing touch with reality. Ive been suicidal for the past maybe 4 years just thoughts of it ive never actually tried it, but lately when alcohol has pretty much taken over my life these feeling has intensified i also have a past history with drugs and i feel that im soon goona drawn back to them. This is hard stuff for a guy to say but sometimes ill just start crying when i think about life and what could of been. I recently lost my job and have no desire to find a new one, im at rock bottom now and i just want it to be over. Thanks for listening.