A few days ago, I hit rock bottom. Where as a good friend of mine, is going way over-board with the upcoming baby stuff (we are like days apart), I just got feed up with it and was all blah about it. I have at least six more weeks to go, and have no desire to see this kid at times. I just feel like a test tube for this baby to grow in, like there is no real connection between us. Does that make me a bad person, I don’t know.
Don’t get me wrong, I want kids, I always have, but as of late, the stress of life just got too much. Going to the ER in two weeks is never really a good thing. On the good side though, baby is alright, mom’s just got to learn how to deal with her stress. I would love for someone to tell me, to break it down into terms that I can understand of how I can take a life in my hands and not mess it up. I can barely do on my own, how can I raise another being…to be able to make it in this world.
So I’m just scared right now…to try to make it in this world. The one person who I should be clinging to, I tried ever so hard to shove away, not wanting to hurt him anymore. I feel like I’ve become a leech on him, draining whatever energy he has left. I use him as a back drop for my fears, hurts, and pains. I feel less than dirt when I hang out with him, for I fear that I’m just using him to get something.
So I simply set up a time line, saying after the baby is okay, I’m gone. That life would be better without me in it…and been feeling low ever since…
Don’t get me wrong, I want kids, I always have, but as of late, the stress of life just got too much. Going to the ER in two weeks is never really a good thing. On the good side though, baby is alright, mom’s just got to learn how to deal with her stress. I would love for someone to tell me, to break it down into terms that I can understand of how I can take a life in my hands and not mess it up. I can barely do on my own, how can I raise another being…to be able to make it in this world.
So I’m just scared right now…to try to make it in this world. The one person who I should be clinging to, I tried ever so hard to shove away, not wanting to hurt him anymore. I feel like I’ve become a leech on him, draining whatever energy he has left. I use him as a back drop for my fears, hurts, and pains. I feel less than dirt when I hang out with him, for I fear that I’m just using him to get something.
So I simply set up a time line, saying after the baby is okay, I’m gone. That life would be better without me in it…and been feeling low ever since…