Rock bottom

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Narcosis, Mar 3, 2012.

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  1. Narcosis

    Narcosis New Member

    So I have been back from hospital for a few hours since a failed suicide attempt and I'm worried about what he next few days hold.

    I have a history of depression and alcohol issues and I have had many suicidal thoughts but this is the first time I have taken it this far. In December last year my wife asked me to leave the family home as she could not copy anymore with all of the emotional baggage I was putting on her and she no longer love me, mainly because of my alcohol misuse which has stemmed from by depression. This came as a massive shock as I still, to this day, love her and I have two young daughters who I rarely see anymore.

    The last few months have been absolute hell for me and things came to a head yesterday when I found out my wife had been sleeping with random guys she has met online. Finding this out absolutely crushed me and, coupled with all the stuff I had been through in the last few months and years, sent me over the edge. I went to the local park with <mod edit, TDM: methods> the intention of dying. However, after <mod edit, TDM:methods> I had a realisation that maybe there was something (i still don't know exactly that, my best guess is my 2 children) that meant I had to carry on. Not knowing how much damage <mod effect:methods> would do I checked myself in to the local hospital than evening. After several tests I was advised that no lasting effects had been caused but given my vulnerability I had an intensive session with the local crisis team. They did suggest that they transfer me to the local secure unit but we finally agreed that I would stay in overnight for observations.

    I met the crisis team again this afternoon and after another lengthy chat we agreed that I should go home and see my GP to arrange further treatment and counselling. Whilst I can see that there is some hope there somewhere I am still scared of that may happen in the future. I've never been this far before and when things get tough in the future I know that I have the courage to take things to the next step whcih really scares me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2012
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    welcome to the forum. i had to edit your posts because we don't allow people to talk about methods, even failed ones. i'm sorry that such a situation has brought you here. truth be told, i think the greater courage lies in living when life turns to shit, as opposed to intending to die and carrying it out. although i don't have any children myself, yet, from my own experiences with my parents i truly believe that children have a strong influence on their parents with regards to that.

    admittedly, yes, it's a given that children outlive their parents, but for a child to know that a parent's died from suicide, it really tears them. i hope you'll stay with us.

  3. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear that you felt so down that you would attempt, but I am glad that you sought help and can share the experience with us. I to have had my marriage breakdown quite recently. However, she walked out on me and the kids so I am learning how to be a single parent. I wont pretend to know what you are feeling. However, I have been in the same place as you and quite recently. This much I do know, even though in the midst of a crisis it feels as though there is no alternative, the crisis does pass. We do get better. But to get better we need to talk to others, such as a therapist, GP, trusted friends. I know that it takes a long time to get to a better place. Keep talking to us. Lets see if we can find a way to get beyond the crisis.
  4. Narcosis

    Narcosis New Member

    Thank you for your kind words guys, it's nice to know that some people out there are listening and have some understanding of what this is like.

    Iain, I know our experiences are slightly different but it seems like we have alot in common and I hope your right that this crisis will pass because I am in a very dark place at the moment.

    So I've now been out of hospital for about 24 hours and I'm really not sure what I should be thinking or feeling. On the one hand I'm relived that I'm still here but there is also something inside me that seems to have died. It's almost like I don't care about anything at all anymore, I've been to the edge and back and everything seems to fade into insingnificance compared to that. I'm not saying that I will try it again but it feels like literally anything could happen to me and I wouldn't care.

    I'm going back to my GP in the next few days and I'm going to get all the help I can because I want to beat this and I hope that once I am in a happier place, I will actually be a better person because of this experience.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand that feeling hun it will pass okay not caring sort of numb feeling I do hope your doctor sets you up with some therapy and perhaps some meds to help you just cope until you are stronger to deal with things a bit more on your own. You will be a stronger person i think hun for you and your children. Nice to have you here any time you need to just talk you vent away okay hugs
  6. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Hi Narcosis,
    glad to see you are still here with us and that you are talking about stuff. I guess the talking part is what has helped me through the whole process. And it is a long road we all have to travel in the hope of recovering.
    Being in the dark place does recede with time. and Im afraid you are simply going to have to trust me on that one. I have been through the crisis a few times now. At the time, I thought that I would be in that dark place forever. And no matter what others said to me, I still had this view that the darkness would be on me forever. In hind sight though, we do emerge from that dark place. Often we are a little shaky after it, but we do emerge. So my advice, for what it is worth mate, is to just get through each hour, each day each week as they come. Eventually you cease living by the hour or day and you start to move forward.
    Try reading some of the posts about recovering and see if there is a parallel with how you are.
    Please try to hang on, keep talking, seek professional advice.
  7. Narcosis

    Narcosis New Member

    Thanks guys, its nice to know that there are people out there who understand and are listening.

    I've been back to work the last two days as the crisis team thought it might take my mind of things but it's only added more stress that I really dont need. So signed off for the rest of the week and will see how things are next week.

    I still feel completely numb to everythng, its like I'm watching myself from another person's perspective. I can see that I'm suffering from all these emotions but its I can't really feel them. Got my next doctor's app tomorrow so hopefully we can sort out the meds and treatment. Will let you know how it goes.
  8. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Hi Narcosis, glad to see that you are still here talking to us about stuff. I personally think that just writing stuff here is a good way to deal with issues. I find that when I write it sometimes clarifies stuff in my head. During my first proper crisis, I was firstly told by my GP that the best thing for me was to get back into my routine a part of which was to stay at work. Well I lasted all of one day at work and ended in hospital for 2 weeks.
    I certainly felt numb for a long time. But that numbness was whilst I was in a psych ward in a hospital. It was there that the Docs and nurses were able to look at my meds, make changes and wait for the changes to take effect. It was also there that I could access counselling. I do wonder if you might at least consider admitting into a hospital so that the professionals can help you.
    This is only advice mind. It worked for me. But for you, well who knows??
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