Rock bottom

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sam3039, May 17, 2012.

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  1. Sam3039

    Sam3039 Member


    Ive been feeling depressed for years, probably five years plus in fact and it has been getting progressively worse. The horrible thing is that i have no real reason to feel down, i just am, which i feel incredibly guilty about. Im a medic in the Royal Navy and served in afghanistan last year, i have a brother and both my parents and the only reason i havent killed myself yet is because i dont want to hurt my family and i dont want to let my new ship down.

    I have spent years hiding my depression (i call it that though i have never been properly diagnosed), however i have tried to deal with my issues. In fact one of the main reasons i joined the navy was to make a positive change. I have also tried self help books and even got professional help. The first doctor i spoke to was an nhs doctor who was extremely patronising and told me to go away and come back in a couple of weeks if i still felt bad (which i couldnt bring myself to do because of how she treated me). The second doctor i spoke to was a military doctor while i was out in afghanistan, and she sent me straight to a psychiatric nurse who spoke to me.

    While in afghanistan i was always armed, so they arent keen on people with suicidal thoughs carrying weapons. So when he asked me if i was suicidal i lied and said no (because of the shame of being pulled off the ground and letting everyone else down). I wasnt going to kill myself then as my parents were worried enough as it was, i didnt want someone to tell them id been killed but id done it myself. So i lied and carried on with my job, i just felt i had to talk to someone at the time as i felt so down.

    I have genuinely spent the last two years thinking about suicide on a daily basis and although i really do not want to hurt my family, i have become so anxious and irritable around people, i feel that i bring them and anyone else down when they are with me.

    I spend most of my time alone now, except when i am at work. I live alone in a naval base and never go home, nor do i phone as, well truthfuly if i kill myself i think its best if we have been apart for some time. They phone occasionally and i dont like to talk about what ive been up to, because i never really do anything, i just stay in. I end up lying and saying 'ive been out with friends' or whatever.

    This year i couldnt bear new year, so just go completely drunk on my own in my flat and i did the same for my birthday. In fact i didnt accept my cards and i turned my phone off - i didnt want to celebrate my birth and drank, like on new year to get through it asap. I dont drink usually, just when i want to escape from something.

    Anyway, what else is there to say? Im a medic and i know exactly how to effectively *kill myself - im not going to say how of course - only that it would require a rare drug found abroad (as its highly illegal here). Id planned on going abroad and smuggling back into the uk so i can die here at a time of my choosing, if i choose, but i have started to consider that inevitable.

    I dont particularly want to die, but i feel completely useless, i feel pathetic and like a complete embarrasement. My self esteem is rock bottom and i have lost all confidence.

    That was okay though as i could pretend i was alright, but now i have no energy, i cannot for the life of me concentrate on what im doing which is making me look terrible at work and i just feel even worse.

    The issue is, the navy arent keen on mental health issues and im about to go to sea. If i come forward, ill be taken off my ship and all my medical colleages will know why.

    Who knows what i will do :(
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You go outside the navy and see a doctor that will keep you medical history confidential There are army personal with mental illness some have taken therapy some are on antidepressant and are highly functioning You will not be good to your team if you are not well hun. DEPRESSION IS TREATABLE so please do something for you for your family and get some help now ok so you can function at the top of your game hugs
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