Roller-coaster year... I want off this ride...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NeedHelpInFL, Dec 1, 2009.

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  1. NeedHelpInFL

    NeedHelpInFL New Member

    I'll start with saying that I am not suicidal, but it does concern me that the thought of it has come and gone out of my head more times than I care to say in the past month and it seems to be increasing in frequency.

    Sorry for the book, but I think some background is necessary to let you know what I've been through this year.

    The year started with the wife and I having some communication issues that I believe stemmed from her having stopped taking her anti-depressants cold turkey. She had been taking them for months because she was brought up on some rather bogus charges, so bogus that every bit of evidence against her actually clears her.

    Come March she started taking them again, but then abruptly stopped taking them because she didn't like how they made her feel.

    Late April she started accusing me of having an affair with my previous wife, who I only saw maybe a grand total of 10 minutes weekly, and then only when picking up my daughter.

    I felt the depression in me growing , seeing how things were falling apart between her and I as rapidly as they were.

    2nd week of May was my birthday. I was brought a "present" by one of my co-workers who had met the wife in the past, it was a print-out of her profile that she had posted on Match.com . What a lovely present don't you think?

    I confronted her about it and she said she was just seeing who was out there. Interesting - if she was just seeing who was out there, why was it a paid account, especially with a highlight on the profile that costs additional money? I knew we were having issues, so, I ever-so-slightly understood. She had mentioned leaving me in the past, so I wasn't shocked.

    6 days later when at home on vacation I got "the call" from work notifying me that I was being laid off. 3 days later she announces that she's moving out. After that between the depression and now having lost my job of 9 1/2 years, I was a wreck and went to the doctor and was put on Prozac.

    Come the end of May she had moved out completely, and early June she showed up with divorce papers in hand.

    I reluctantly signed and then got her to admit that she was with someone else, and that she had indeed met him on Match.com . She had been seeing him for some time now, but she wouldn't say how long.

    The divorce was finalized late June.

    She lost her job and then took it upon herself to start stalking me (by her own admission) , watching the house for days at a time to see if my previous wife was coming/going as she suspected. She was wrong , which she had to find out the hard way.

    A few weeks later she shows up at my door boo-hooing about how she screwed up and that the guy she "was with" was nothing more than a roommate. She wanted to try and work things out with me.

    We worked on things for several weeks, and when I found out I was being rehired by the same company that laid me off, I pushed for us to get everything legal again so I could get her on my insurance. Stupid move on my part.

    3 weeks after I started the job, I came home and found that she had taken what little she had brought back into my house and left again. No explanation, nothing.

    She claims to have been living with her daughter - I found out that it was all BS, that she had moved right back in with "the roommate", who I later found out that she was involved with the whole time, sleeping with him and me.

    At this point I am bringing in 45% less income than before, and I am NOT making ends meet. I am ready to lose my home, my credit is shot, I haven't been able to pay child support since May, and I am at wit's end.

    She has filed for divorce AGAIN, which I have signed off on. Even though I know everything that has been happening behind my back now, it still hurts like hell to have lost her.

    I did some research and found out that I am not the only man she's done this to - in fact - after this divorce is final, she will have been divorced SEVEN TIMES from 3 different men..

    I have gone back to my doctor but all he can tell me is to stick with the Prozac.

    I am really worried now though - with the increased frequency of suicidal thoughts and even thoughts of how I would do it and what I would say in my "note", I'm damned scared.

    All I want to do is sleep, I can't concentrate at work, I have constant panic attacks.

    I am a strong person, or at least I was before all of this started, but I need some guidance PLEASE.

    I have come to hate the person I have become.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I'm really sorry for the hell she's put you through.

    You still ARE a strong person. Don't be so hard on yourself. What you've been through is enough to bring anyone down. And the process of getting back up is slow, but you can do it.

    My PM box is always open if you feel like talking. I hope you'll stay here and let us support you.
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    My therapist would tell you she is immature..She hasn't grown up yet and you did.. You did everything right so don't be so hard on yourself.. It sounds like you are still greiving your loss.. Next will come anger, I don't remember the rest of the steps..Try focusing your thoughts on work..The right woman will come along you just need to be patient..
     
  4. blue_snafu

    blue_snafu Member

    It is scary. The thoughts that come time and time again...the making of a plan....

    I know how you're feeling.
    Talking to people, to someone helps, whether it is in your life or on here.
    I guess all we can do is try to look past right now and believe that the future will bring something better.

    life wasn't always this way, and it won't always be this way.

    I wish you all the best.
     
  5. NeedHelpInFL

    NeedHelpInFL New Member

    I was thinking pretty hard about the entire situation last night. The conclusion that I came to was that the worst part was the lack of stability. I have days where I am perfectly fine (like today), other days where I am up and down, mostly on the down side though.

    I never know from one day to the next how I am going to be feeling. I can say that I have driven away some close friends because of having moments of being less than pleasant and they didn't know how to take it. I guess they weren't as close as I would have liked them to be, either that or they are just giving me my space.
     
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