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Roller Coaster !

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Fatman1966, Dec 10, 2006.

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  1. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Is it just me or do others suffer from ups and downs.

    Was feeling ok this week, then went out with friends over the weekend, works christmas do, then brother came round with his young sons, now I feel really low agian.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I'm on the fecking Big Dipper. was good all week, getting stuff done and being really organized and calm. Then bang am on day 3 of a crying jag thats left me worn out....no sign of it ending soon either. :sad: :sad:
  3. raw

    raw Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I think the roller coaster you spoke of is very, very common with people with depression and other disorders. I have bipolar disorder and hence tend to have dramatic swings in moods. There are many reasons for cycles but they are very common.

  4. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    Had noticed you've been absent from this forum for the past few days.
    You wouldn't believe how much I've been able to identify with what you say.
    If you decide to leave let us know before you go, ok?.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2006
  5. carbon

    carbon Member

    Sometimes I think I could describe it best as being on a roller-coaster in the bottom of a canyon: it has plenty of lows, precious few highs, but in the end your still in the same dark canyon. Sometimes you'll get high enough that you actually get to see some sunshine, you might even be able to get out of the canyon all together. Then the reassuring click-click-click of the safety latch abruptly stops, and it's a silent plumet to the bottom again at speed you can't imagine. Lather, rinse, repeat. That's probably the most accurate analogy I can think of to describe how I feel sometimes.
  6. hatelife

    hatelife Active Member

    i hope this does not some out wrong but i like your expresion of the roller coaster. I was explaining my life like that for a year before someone finally told me to seek help for depression. thanks showing me that others view life the same way.
  7. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend


    Well the way things are going, will be here for quite a while !

    Another night of hurtling toward the ground at break necks speed.

    Went out on another works do, not even with my team, but with mate, because his team outing was very low on numbers.

    Comedy club in notts, food was crap but the comics were funny, any way in the break, he asked me if I liked christmas, I said no not really, at my age it was nothing really worth looking forward to, then he gave he a 5 min talk on how if I really wanted to, I could have a family and all that jazz, so I explained that was never really going to happen for me, so he asked why not cos it was really up to me if thats what I wanted.

    I was in a bit of a spot now, being with a large group of work mates, so I leant of over and said " come on Andy do I have to draw you a map" me being a poof and all, that was the end of that, the next comic came on.

    His next words to me were "you know Paul, you'll make some one a lovely wife, sorry I meen husband, hehehehe" may be I took it the wrong the way, but he might as well, just have kicked me in the bollocks called me a dirty fucking shirt lifting ass bandit and told me to fuck off, thats the way he made me feel anyway.

    Sorry for the bad language, I've been drinking and I've got to go to work in the morning !!!!!!!

    but I had to let it out.

    I've bone every thing in my power to help that lad, both socialy and at work, he's cute, very cute, but I have never treated like anything other than a friend.

    I don't know may be I think about things too much, read too much into things.

    :sad: :sad: :sad:
  8. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Life is a roller coaster that is hard to over come.
  9. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think your 'mate' (Andy) isn't much of a mate at all for talking to you and treating you so badly. Friends don't treat friends like that. That's what enemies are for - friends are to love and support you and lift you up, not beat you down. That was a mean thing to do.:mad: Have you other friends you could hang out with who wouldn't treat you like dirt? I'd rather be alone than treated like that by so-called 'friends'. That was hateful.

    Yes, I often feel like I'm on the world's longest, fastest, and scariest roller coaster...:eek:hmy: and often feel like I'm not allowed to get off - or stay off - for any length of time... have to keep going up and down, and it makes me sick.:blink: I never did like real roller coasters either, and I sure don't like these emotional roller coasters.:unsure:

  10. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    My 'roller coasters' are on a daily basis, even with medication they don't seem the calm down if anything they've got worse, so i completely understand how the mood swings can suck.

  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Ups and downs are a common thing. You never know just when they will happen. Remember that eventually the up does come. Be glad for when it is there and try to rememeber what it feels like when the down happens so you can have a pleasant memory to hold on to. I hope you have many more up times than down times. :hug:
  12. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ah come on he's a bloke Paul !!! When in doubt or uncomfortable make some half ass attempt at humour.

    I'm sure he didn't mean to offend, he just did the usual male thing of laugh it off and make a crass remark. Please don't take it to heart, remember he doesn't know you're not happy.
  13. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I like the real life roller coasters, B\but HATE the mental/mind roller coaster.
    Give me any other situation on eath but this manic-depressive ****. Yes, it is experienced by lots of us, I think.

    I am having great difficulty hanging with older friends, that have known you for a long time, as they are not supportive to me. It just tells me that you need different people at various times of your life. I hate that, but it's true.
    There are worse things than being alone. Being with folks that treat you like you are not there and your feeling don't mean squat. (Sorry, ranting??)

    Take care, Fatman
  14. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Batteries are running very low today, not seen my "mate" to tackle the subject of his "funny" comment yet, he's off for 2 days.

    Its been a busy weeks or so for me feeling very tired.

    For me the ups and downs seem to be just high enough to let me get a look at the golden sands, blue skys and inviting waters, of a beautiful beach, then just low enough for me to plunge into the darkest, coldest , waters of the blackest, winter mountain top lake, with out drowning !

    Its the futility of the whole process that is the hardest to take, over and over and over and over again.

    Got a new boss, who's idea of being in charge is leaving me to run round and sort out all the shit he should be dealing with, I really really want my old boss back.

    Guess I'm just tired of living, don't seem to be going any where, just running round and round in circles, the more I try and tell the folks that know me best, I play for the pink team, the more I seem to get knocked back.

    Where am I going wrong ? I'm trying to let the news creep out in a really small private way, to the people I trust the most, lets face it after all at 39 being still single, most the folks I know secretly think I must be gay any way, we even have a laugh and a joke with the apprentices at work about it.

    So why is it so hard for them to hear the trueth from me, surely its not distressing for them to know, rather than just gossiping about it with others behind my back, its not that difficult, I wear my watch on the wrong wrist for goodness sake and if asked, I never really answer the question out right, but why should I, whats it got to do with them.
  15. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    what's with these quotes?
    "me being a poof and all"
    "I wear my watch on the wrong wrist"
    I mean even the name Fatman1966?

    I see myself as being unlovable and so I don't let anyone love me.
    I suspect that if you can't accept yourself as being gay you will never believe anyone else can accept it either. What is it they say? the concept of self is the barrier that divides us from other people? I think I saw that on an anime I once watched. All the best truths can be found in cartoons!
  16. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    After lying awake half the night here's my further thoughts on the subject:
    If somebody calls me lazy it doesn't bother me because I don't believe I'm lazy. Often people call me gay, but then that doesn't bother me because my sexuality isn't an issue to me. However, if they call me something like ugly or boring then they've hit a nerve and upset me, merely because they've expressed how I feel about myself. I then feel that the problem lies with me and not with them. because I shouldn't be in a position where they can upset me.

    In order to be positive about myself I always tell myself things like "I'm not that ugly" or "I'm not that boring" and it does make me feel a bit better but there's always a little voice at the back of my head whispering "Liar". I then have two choices to see myself negatively, or to decieve myself, I think the only answer to this is not to 'see' myself in any way at all but that's quite a difficult concept to get my head around. Perhaps I need to be more outward looking, and focus more on other people and the world around me? As I say no real answers here, am just playing with ideas.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2006
  17. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Just to top it off got a stinking cold today !!!

    The roller coaster ride of depression is different for men and women I think.

    With women you get what you see, they are brought up to show there emotions, if fact it can be a big help to them sometimes, like when they want something.

    Men on the other hand, are brought up to be two different people, they have a public face, that everyone see's every day, then a private face, that no one see's apart from may be thier wives, if they are lucky enough to have found the right women, I think thats the difference between the sexes, men have all the qualities that make a women, a women, we are just brought up to hide all that side of our selves away or dismiss it as erelevent.

    So the me you see here in my threads, is a kind of escape, where the private me, that no one, and I meen no one ever see's, gets to come out play, so its the private me that gets depressed, feels that suicide might not be that bad a deal after all, thats scared of what others will think, that worries if I really know who I am after all those years of hiding behind that public face.

    Oddly it's the private me that's fairly comfortable with the whole gay thing, the public me on the other hand is not too pleased, now my brother has 2 young kids, I guess having a wife, kids, a dog, "the nuclear family", looks pretty appealing, but I decide long ago, that it wasn't an option for me, it would have never worked out, but I suppose the "ideal" of living that life never left me, so in some ways I have been cheated out of living a "happy" life, because of who I am.

    Let me put it this way, my private side is a young frightened child, full of hopes and dreams, my public side is a full grown adult totaly in control, wise to the world and able to take the knocks and bumps that life puts in his way, but this can only ever leed to conflict, the child wants to grow up to be someone different to the person I am and the adult resents the child for having such niave, unrealistic, hope and dreams, that led me to grow up being the person I am. (not sure that makes any sence)

    For me that is the definition of my depression, the ups and downs I suppose, it is the confilct between those 2 sides of me, that was never really resolved, may be that is the definition of "mental illness" to; (not words I'm keen on, but true never the less) a fractured mind containing two opposing points of view, a mental tug of war if you like, where no one can ever really get the upper hand, because for one side to win, one side will lose and that would meen losing a part of yourself, a part that may be none of us are willing to let go of, just yet.

    So for me, part of that letting go, is to let the news thats held me back all those years, come out, to those that I feel have earned the right to know, it just sadens me a little that none of those people are members of my family, yet.

    A bit deep for this early in the night, this benalyin, must be good stuff (flu medicine before any one asks) :blink:

    As for being a "poof", well it's true, doesn't meen I'm a bad person.

    Wearing the watch on the wrong wrist was a consious decision I made for myself some years ago, for myself, more than any one else.

    Fatman1966, is just a statement of fact, I am "fat" 2 stone over weight and I was born in 1966.

    I am not ashamed of who I am, but might be of the life I've wasted.

    I did put my piccy up as my avitar, but the mods "suggested" i take it down, rules and all.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2006
  18. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    That is a good point, I am in some ways the big brother he never had, sort of, so he's not really likely to have any clue that I'm not this ideal notion a single guy, he thinks I am.

    Never thought of that and I do put up a pretty impressive brave front.
  19. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    I've been thinking about this all day it's probably not relevant but we'll see:

    I remember before that you mentioned a book called "I'm ok, you're ok"
    But how do I know "you're ok" if I've never met you?
    And how do I know "i'm ok"?
    Some days I may be more ok than others
    Or I may pretend to feel ok when I'm not
    Or often I make myself feel less ok than I should.

    Basically I exist, but the person I think I am does not exist
    You exist, but the person I think you are doesn't exist either
    So on what basis can I judge whether "I'm ok, you're ok?"
    There simply is no "I" and no "You" I could possibly understand.

    Can you know yourself? Or your friends? The people at work? Can we actually have any idea why people say or do the things they do? I'm beginning to think not. We decieve ourselves, we decieve others. I can only simply know how I act and how you act but not who is doing the acting.

    I came to this board to understand myself, but have come to the conclusion that under no situation should I attempt this. Because the self I come to understand will not be me, it will be just a concept that causes me to struggle, decieve, and limit myself. I hope from now on I can simply respond to situations in life based on the situations themselves and not on some false concepts of who I am and who other people are.

    When you say "I am not ashamed of who I am, but might be of the life I've wasted." that is exactly how I feel about my life and in my case I believe it was the concept of "who I am" that largely caused me to waste my life. But I should just stress I believe that only applies to me - after all I've no idea who you are. *8^)
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2006
  20. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Oh err ziggy that's a bit deep and I half pisssed or more !!!

    But in a metaphysical debate, we can never really know who we are because that person only ever lives in the mind of anotherws, so to so many peolple we are so many different people, cool or what.

    But for the view I have privately of who I am, i am confortable with.

    I suppose it's letting thr view that others have down, that i'm afraid of.

    bed time now, im drunk again


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