I cant take my emotional rollercoaster ride anymore. why cant there just be a cure for this that doesnt involve me hurting my family even more than i allways do. How bad am i messed up when i cant even contemplate suicide because i feel guilty because i cant commit suicide cuz that would hurt them all more. I have litterally no choice anymore. i just want to go back to my own world where i could stand being alone and didnt hurt even though their was emense pain. i had to leave that world cuz thats for some reason a bad way to live so i had to let the world back in. I started out today actually better than any other xmas i wasnt pissed off at everyone, but now im worse than thati actually want to just walk away from all this and "trip" on the overpass that way its not technically a suicide its and accident. but then that would ruin everybody's xmas and i cant do that cuz i dont have the right to feel the way i do cuz it drags everybody else down. Fuck. Well i got to find a way to get the mask on so everybody has a great "holiday" cuz i really dont want to wake up tomorro feeling worse, by that time ill be closer to an overpass and it might actually happen, pluss ill most likely be shitty untill about 8 or 10 am, and the overpasses are really icy around here so its believable.