Romance disgusts me (sort of)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by just_me_again, Jun 20, 2015.

  1. just_me_again

    just_me_again Well-Known Member

    Practically since I was twelve, people have been wondering why I don't have a boyfriend or display any interest in boys beyond going "oh they look good, I guess". People (aside from my mother and a few other cruel people) have told me I was pretty and always tried to push me into it, but I'm always scared. Then my friends and family started thinking that maybe I was gay and were perfectly fine with that. Only I'm not. I don't think so anyway. I look at men and women as practically the same, only men scare me. My mom was abused and she in turn abused me and my siblings long after her abuse ended and she married my kindhearted father. She always told me I was the sort to just sit and take it from a man because I was too obedient. I see every person that shows a bit of interest in me as a potential abuser and I shut them down as quickly as possible. How could I possibly enter a relationship under these conditions?

    When I was little, I had fantasies about princes and princesses but I always assumed that I would be a side character looking into good relationships worth writing a story about. Two of my sisters have boyfriends and they grew up about the same as me. I'm happy for them but I can't even touch people. I'm eighteen and I've never kissed anyone. Kissing and sex always feel like things I have to get over with somehow. Having a crush is almost painfully tedious in how I crush the feelings and carry on like there's nothing wrong just so I can feel like I'm in control. Wanting anything to do with love and sex feels like a dirty secret I have to keep hidden away.

    I just want to be normal and I don't know how.
  2. What

    What Active Member

    Well your feelings make sense since you were abused. If your first experiences especially when you were young if intimate relationships basically taught you that people are dangerous and you can't trust them. You would probably benefit from a good therapist with this sort of thing because it sounds like you have unprocessed trauma and it is giving you anxiety, trust and shame issues.
  3. just_me_again

    just_me_again Well-Known Member

    Thank you for taking the time to reply. I've been going to therapy recently. It hasn't been helpful so far but I suppose it's a little too early to tell. Trust is difficult. Sometimes I feel as if I can't even trust myself and I do feel ashamed and I don't know how to deal with it.
  4. 2ndtype

    2ndtype New Member

    I sort of know how you feel..
    I fell in love twice, with the wrong men. And suddenly I had a really weird dream that made love my friend, a girl. And because of another weird things that is so hurt to tell, I become a homophobe bisexual.
    And now, I'm pretty much can't feel a thing for anyone.
    My parents kept asking if I had a boyfriend or not, sometimes mocking. I'm so angry and sad when they ask me that question...
  5. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    What is normal? I wouldn't worry about being normal. You're an individual and nothing about any of us is normal. I'd be so offended being labeled normal because I'm not at all by a long way. Saying that it depends if you believe in the hive mentality which for me is just an elaborate ploy to gain greater control. You are you! There's nobody else in the world remotely like you, me or anyone. Unique and special. Romance makes me sick too, Love doesn't have to be pretty! I don't trust anyone either, To be fair people need to earn it and they rarely do nearly enough to warrant my trust. Those that do are very special people indeed. I'd imagine what I've written is of no help at all, But just keep going. You're so young and have the world at your feet and this kind of thing is tricky to work out for anyone. Don't let anyone push you into anything you're not comfortable with, In your own time as and when you feel its right. Not a second before! Live life how you want to live it, Not how others expect you to.
  6. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    My parents just look at me disapprovingly if I get together with anyone...They know it'll end in tears.
  7. just_me_again

    just_me_again Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about both of your situations (you and 2ndtype). Everyone that cares for me would accept anyone I wanted to date but I just can't. I feel bad about that, because many people don't have it that easy. You love who you love--I just happen to not love anybody.
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I know you are hurting but love and romance is a difficult area. People find their true love but sometimes it's takes time. Everyone is unique and that includes you. The abuse you suffered is no doubt affecting you and your future relationships. Keep taking the therapy as it will help you. You will rebuild your confidence one day at a time. Be safe.