Practically since I was twelve, people have been wondering why I don't have a boyfriend or display any interest in boys beyond going "oh they look good, I guess". People (aside from my mother and a few other cruel people) have told me I was pretty and always tried to push me into it, but I'm always scared. Then my friends and family started thinking that maybe I was gay and were perfectly fine with that. Only I'm not. I don't think so anyway. I look at men and women as practically the same, only men scare me. My mom was abused and she in turn abused me and my siblings long after her abuse ended and she married my kindhearted father. She always told me I was the sort to just sit and take it from a man because I was too obedient. I see every person that shows a bit of interest in me as a potential abuser and I shut them down as quickly as possible. How could I possibly enter a relationship under these conditions? When I was little, I had fantasies about princes and princesses but I always assumed that I would be a side character looking into good relationships worth writing a story about. Two of my sisters have boyfriends and they grew up about the same as me. I'm happy for them but I can't even touch people. I'm eighteen and I've never kissed anyone. Kissing and sex always feel like things I have to get over with somehow. Having a crush is almost painfully tedious in how I crush the feelings and carry on like there's nothing wrong just so I can feel like I'm in control. Wanting anything to do with love and sex feels like a dirty secret I have to keep hidden away. I just want to be normal and I don't know how.