Romanticising your plan

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by solarflare, Oct 4, 2015.

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  1. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    Ok this is something I want to share as I feel sharing will remove some of its power it holds over me.

    But it will be difficult without mentioning methods, so I'll try to be mindful.

    Back on my first marriage with my mentally ill and suicidal wife at the time (I was not suicidal back then but was being treated for depression, about 10 years ago) she almost attempted at a certain suicide hotspot which also happens to be a tourist location.

    I've been having suicidal thoughts for months now but with my current wife one day out and about we ended up going to this location to have coffee and admire the view.

    Its like something entered me and said "this is how it is meant to end for you". The sheer beauty of the place and what has happened there and still happens there is mesmorising, it has a pull, a power over me I can not explain.

    I havent stopped thinking about this location, every single day for weeks, it is so accessible and easy. And the method is so unforgiving.

    I dont want to be locked up in a nuthouse but I need help. I don't want to be a hunk of meat at the bottom of a cliff. I want to live in peace, love people again, be able to see the good in people, live in peace from my own feelings.

    On the outside I look strong, prone to mood swings as my wife would tell you but otherwise healthy. but inside I died that day and I just have to return to complete my destiny.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya. I'm sorry you have a thought like that burned into your brain right now. :hug:

    I think people sometimes can have a sense of simultaneous fascination and repulsion about things that are "scary." The tricky part is figuring out if we "scared/fascinated, but really don't want to act" or are we "scared/fascinated AND we do want to act on it." If you have a therapist or counsellor, would you raise this with them? A therapist might help you figure out where the thoughts are coming from and even how to stop them.

    Just an idea.

    Please, don't act on your thoughts. From what you say, I think it would be dangerous. I'd hate for you to hurt yourself or worse. :hug:
  3. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    this could be a malevolent spirit at work. that could be the reason this place has a pull over you ... it's not that the place in reality holds any special meaning for you, it's the work of a spirit trying to get you to kill yourself

    or i could be totally wrong .... i understand what it's like having a death wish. but i live so i can contribute something to society, to a greater good, and so i can support my parents who have supported me
  4. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    Are you being serious?
  5. wrbotha

    wrbotha Member

    Sorry solarflare

    Your story sounds really hectic. Not really sure what would help you. Anyway can you talk to your partner?

    Maybe a change of physical space would help?

    Not like im the best person giving advice here, but for what it matters i read your story and i understand what you mean.

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