Roommate hates me after attempt.

[lunabell14]

I made an attempt last week. It didn't get very far, but I took 10 pills of Nyquil. Enough to make me throw up and shake and sweat, but ultimately, nowhere near enough to actually kill me.

My roommate saw the remaining <Mod Edit, IrishDoll: Methods> He told me he'll hate me if I attempt again and he has to stick his fingers down my throat to make me throw up or if I die. He says he's terrified for me, and he's BEGGING me to get on antidepressants. I really do not want to take drugs (not much more effective than a placebo, and as effective as regular exercise). Also, the counseling center at my school won't see me unless I take antidepressants, so I had to find a psychologist that I'll have to PAY. Fortunately, I found a guy that sounds really nice.

However, despite my roommate saying he WILL hate me, I feel like he already does. We've been bickering over everything (and actually, a fight we had was the final straw that made me make that attempt, when I wouldn't tell him what was wrong.) We've been kind of avoiding each other and we're supposed to have a talk about the constant bickering on Saturday. Even deciding the TIME lead to a fight. He's my only real friend, particularly at college, and I just want us to be ok again. I really, REALLY miss him. But I don't feel like I can talk about any of this stuff with him. I can tell he's frustrated with me and doesn't really want to be around me. I feel like anything I do will push him away. This whole situation just makes me want to die even more than I did before, and I can't concentrate on school because I'm so preoccupied with feeling hated by my best friend. There have been some up-points in my day, but just today, I think I spent most of it being miserable or suicidal. He wants to wait to talk on saturday, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I need to know that the one person who knows what's going on supports me.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say. I just needed to release this, and since no one knows about my attempt except the psychologist I talked to, my roommate, and my counselor, this was really my only option. Has anyone else had a similar problem?

 

[enerjii]

do you have family or other friends that you could ask for support?
this is serious and even though you say that it was only 10 pills being sick and shaking and sweating must have been a shock for your body . . .
some counsellors will only see if your medicated and some refuse unless you're not!
i feel that rejecting people like this is wrong and even if your roomate was desperate to help you - telling you he will hate you is not ideal - as you need to feel appreciated right now - he seems to be suffering from stress and you are both doing your best to cope . . .

your life is worth much more than a couple of peoples opinions and pls stay strong even if you feel he doesnt support you as pinning everything on this - no matter how much you care about him may be too stressful - could you find other people to support you, even with different things so that it takes the heat out of your relationship for a while-so you can both have recovery time?

enerjii

 

[If*Only]

I kinda understand how u feel about the whole abandonment thing there, its been a few months since my last attempt, but i still feel that hatred that maybe isnt there.

But enough about me, I think it might be possible that your roomate just doesnt know what else to say. Mybe thats his way of telling you he will be lost if you attempt and succeed and hurt if u end up doing something very damaging to your health?

 

[lunabell14]

Thanks for your guys' replies! It means a lot that there are people sympathizing.

Well, I'd rather not talk to my family about it. I mentioned being depressed to my dad, and he just seems so sad whenever he asks me how I'm doing in regards to that, I don't have the heart to tell him about the attempt.

Other friends. . .that would be easier, but still unlikely. Most of my friends have had suicidal impulses at some point and time. However, whenever I've tried to talk to them about it, they get into the thing about how their difficulties were worse, or seem to diminish my problems. I know one close friend who used to cut thought I was being an attention ***** when I let people see where I cut myself (that was really out of practicality. I live in Georgia, where it gets hot. And cutting was never my thing, I found out after that). Another I tried to talk to about depressed feelings when I was a senior in high school and my friend went into how her year was way more depressing. My only other potential is better. She'll keep me from driving drunk when I'm drunk and suicidal, but when I called her in England drunk and suicidal, she basically just told me to calm down and she'd call me back. Yeaaah, not helpful. I love my friends, but this is an issue I don't really feel comfortable talking to them about, and probably never will.

I do think my friend cares. I tried to move up our talk date, since it's been preoccupying my thoughts so much. He honestly wanted to wait to do it until Sunday when he'd be less busy, but he can relate to being so preoccupied with an argument that you can't focus. And I know he's only begging me to go to antidepressants because they helped him. I just wish some of the things he said hadn't been quite so hurtful.

On another note, to anyone in the right generation or with the right level of dorkiness, this should make you a little less suicidal:
:pokeball::IrishDoll::reub:

 

[If*Only]

Ok ur right about the less suicidal thing on that, however i just stand on overpasses in the middle of the night(not on the edge just on the sidewalk by the edge looking down). I understand where both you and your friend are coming from on the antidepressants thing i hate them but they did help me a little, the bipolar meds did a lot more, however i have aweshome luck when it comes to that crap and the last meds i was on cost me like $250-$300 for a months supply-just the one med not all three.

ANywho sorry im rambling i do that frequently, my best advice to you is find someone to talk to even if its just here u need to talk about whats going on with your depression and crap otherwise it becomes too much. The great thing about this forum is nobody knows you and they wont make fun of you or anything like that they are here to help you. I have no idea where this advice is coming from but im saying it anyway its up to u to listen.

 

[enerjii]

i love your pictures! the flower etc - i am having a tough day today already and its only midday and they really cheered me up - it sounds as if you are very brave in keeping reaching out to people to try to talk - could you find a counsellor that would just focus on you and what you needed - then you wouldnt feel guilty and so worried about others feelings . . . some people you are right, only want to say how their problems are worse - my Dad does this - those people need help too but you deserve to find someone who can totally focus on your needs . . . thanks also to you - i find that the world is a richer place for people opening up and sharing feelings - sometimes the world can seem so shallow and artificial otherwiseenerjii