This might sound really idiotic, but I'm having a panic attack about my roommate having a male guest, possibly a boyfriend, sleep over without giving me a heads up. I have PTSD, from childhood trauma, which she knows. We were friends from college before we decided to be flatmates. She texted me last night to say her female friend was really drunk and might need to crash the night, and was that okay, and I of course was like sure. This morning I woke up and her door fell open as I was walking past and I realized there was a guy sleeping in her bed. We'd interacted briefly the night before when I got home and she came out of her room to get some water, and she didn't say anything about the fact that someone else had ended up staying in the house. Generally I wouldn't care, she pays half the rent, she can have whomever she wants over, but as neither of us has had anything in the way of a dating life in the last few years it, we've never talked about any sort of house rules. Like a tie or something on the door. I know I probably don't have any right to be upset, but my panic disorder/ptsd means that I sometimes have trouble around strange men, and when I realized there was a man in the apartment I felt uncomfortable because if I had realized I wouldn't have been walking around in shrunken-up shorts with no bra on. I've roomed with people in relationships before --like my roommate in college had a boyfriend who spent weekends in the room we shared, and I had no problem with it. She introduced us and I also knew that there might be a guy around unexpectedly, so I never got triggered. My anxiety issues have gotten worse since then, but just being aware that I might want to put on less revealing pajamas or make sure my door was properly closed when I changed was nice to know. What with us being two female roommates and long-time friends both my roommate and I have gotten sort of casual about whether we bother to close our doors all the way while changing or whether we're walking around in sports bras and shorts because it's hot out. I know from college that my roommate is really secretive about her dating life. She was in a couple of serious relationships while we were in college, but she hid them from all of her friends. I happened to find out one day when I knocked on her door looking for her when she happened to have her boyfriend over. She would sneak them up the back stairs and smuggle them into her room like they were contraband. She said she liked to keep the different parts of her life compartmentalized. Maybe I should have expected it given her dating weirdness in college, but it never occurred to me that considering we share a small city apartment and we're close friends, that she might try to pull the same weird smuggling trick with someone in our apartment. She's very controlling about who I have over to the house, like even if I am just having my female friend over to stay the night, she wants plenty of notice and acts as though her space is being invaded. Is it really out of bounds of me to feel uncomfortable that she didn't give me a warning knowing what she does about my PTSD? She's seen me have panic attacks and knows that I have these sort of triggers. She's pretty familiar with PTSD (her mother is a therapist, she's had another friend with similar issues before). I feel like a complete idiot but I'm shaking and I feel like vomiting and I also just wish I feel like I could say something to her whenever we next talk about maybe figuring out a "tie on the door" sort of code, but she's very private and hyper-reactive to feedback to the point of taking any sort of attempt on my part to discuss the whole guy in the house head's up idea as personal criticism and refuse to speak to me for who knows how long. Is there any good way to bring this up? Can I bring this up, or am I being unreasonable? I'm a lesbian and if I got into a relationship or had a one night stand I'd give her a heads up just being like, so fyi, I'm seeing this person so they might be around or just text her and be like, fyi I'm bringing someone home for the night so don't be surprised if you bump into a stranger in the house in the morning. I don't know what to do, and if she doesn't acknowledge that she had this guy over and tries to sneak him out and not mention it my PTSD issues may make me feel paranoid about whether she might bring him over again without telling me and I might bump into a strange man in the house on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night or something, which would trigger the crap out of me. Help. Please be honest and tell me if wanting a heads up or what not is completely ridiculous. Sorry for the ramble, I have trouble thinking straight when I'm fighting a panic attack.