Rough day yesterday and night.... Why is it so hard sometimes?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sollepus, Sep 24, 2011.

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  1. sollepus

    sollepus Member

    So, yesterday, some things made me feel better. I was proactive about writing out what I want to say to my family, but generally, I moped around and did nothing all day except try not to cry.

    Well, I was invited to go bowling with several of my good friends and my bf (obviously with the fractured back I didn't do anything but hang out).

    Originally, I wasn't even going to go. I didn't even brush my teeth until 8 that night (gross, I know, I just didn't feel like moving; didn't even watch t.v., read or anything). I just laid on the couch.

    I decided to go, because I know it's good to be around people right now. Also, I wanted to talk to my bf.

    The night went well at first, I guess. I mostly played in the arcade area by myself while everyone else bowled. Then, we went back to my bf's house. That's when it just got harder and harder to act "normal." To smile, to laugh, to pretend like every thing is OK.

    Hard to smile, on the verge of tears, all I wanted to do was go home. I eventually did.

    I told my bf about my issues (as in the suicidal ones with a little more elaboration than I posted in my introduction, he already knew about the cutting). And he is so sweet. I don't think he really, truly understands, but it was nice to tell him. The only problem; he asked why.

    As I'm sure many people here can relate to; sometimes there is no specific why. You just wind up in that dark place and fight to get out. Sometimes there are triggers, but sometimes there is nothing.

    Also, I feel horrible, because I know how much he cares for me. I think he feels like he's not "doing his job" by being a good boyfriend, which is sooo far from the truth. He's perfect and deserves way better than me and my emo baggage.

    So, today, I'm super depressed again. Just woke up, and I'm fighting the suicidal and self harm thoughts, but I just want to cry for even bringing up the subject and making him worry.

    I know I've always had a problem putting others before myself, but it's the only way I know how to be.

    So, I'm in a nasty dark hole right now. Not sure what I'm going to do about it yet. I'm thinking maybe writing. Anyway, thanks for the support everyone.

    If you have any suggestions on how you deal with the dark days, please feel free to give me advice. Thanks!
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    That is how I often feel when I'm feeling suicidal. Going out in public makes me feel like crying, and I've walked out of places like classes etc. because of that feeling. I become isolated usually. It is great that you have your bf by your side.

    Recently, I told a guy I used to spill my problems to about how I felt embarrassed having spoken to him so much during one of my difficult periods. His response was "There is no need to be embarrassed about anything. Everyone has tough times." Yup, I still feel embarrassed about it, and my respect for people who try to support suicidal people do has grown tremendously this year.
  3. sollepus

    sollepus Member

    I've done the same on many occasions. Walked out of class to go cry in the bathroom, or work, or whatever. I've even done it at malls or restaurants.

    I ALWAYS carry powder, concealer and eye drops with me to "clean up" after crying. Kind of pathetic now that I think about it that I'm always so "prepared."

    I felt the same after telling him; humiliated, sad, crappy, you name it. I care about him so much and even though I knew I needed to tell him, I feel bad for making him worry.

    Talked to my bf this afternoon, and he is still super supportive. Not running away screaming yet (with all the crap he has had to deal with with me and my problems is a miracle), which I'm thankful for.

    I guess what concerned me and added to me feeling awful is: he doesn't seem to understand what an outpatient treatment program or support group (none in my area anyway) or a forum can do for me that he can't.

    I tried to explain it was different when someone else has went through the same thing, and I think he finally seemed to get it. Anyway, I'm feeling slightly better, my roommate kept me company for a while (even though I would have rather been alone).

    Now just working up the courage to call my family and make them talk to me.
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I hope you are able to reach your family and talk to them. Best of luck.
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