So, yesterday, some things made me feel better. I was proactive about writing out what I want to say to my family, but generally, I moped around and did nothing all day except try not to cry. Well, I was invited to go bowling with several of my good friends and my bf (obviously with the fractured back I didn't do anything but hang out). Originally, I wasn't even going to go. I didn't even brush my teeth until 8 that night (gross, I know, I just didn't feel like moving; didn't even watch t.v., read or anything). I just laid on the couch. I decided to go, because I know it's good to be around people right now. Also, I wanted to talk to my bf. The night went well at first, I guess. I mostly played in the arcade area by myself while everyone else bowled. Then, we went back to my bf's house. That's when it just got harder and harder to act "normal." To smile, to laugh, to pretend like every thing is OK. Hard to smile, on the verge of tears, all I wanted to do was go home. I eventually did. I told my bf about my issues (as in the suicidal ones with a little more elaboration than I posted in my introduction, he already knew about the cutting). And he is so sweet. I don't think he really, truly understands, but it was nice to tell him. The only problem; he asked why. As I'm sure many people here can relate to; sometimes there is no specific why. You just wind up in that dark place and fight to get out. Sometimes there are triggers, but sometimes there is nothing. Also, I feel horrible, because I know how much he cares for me. I think he feels like he's not "doing his job" by being a good boyfriend, which is sooo far from the truth. He's perfect and deserves way better than me and my emo baggage. So, today, I'm super depressed again. Just woke up, and I'm fighting the suicidal and self harm thoughts, but I just want to cry for even bringing up the subject and making him worry. I know I've always had a problem putting others before myself, but it's the only way I know how to be. So, I'm in a nasty dark hole right now. Not sure what I'm going to do about it yet. I'm thinking maybe writing. Anyway, thanks for the support everyone. If you have any suggestions on how you deal with the dark days, please feel free to give me advice. Thanks!