Rough Day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Downpour, Dec 24, 2013.

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  1. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    It's a beautiful day, but I feel so weighed down. I'm short on money and short on time. I don't know how we're going to pay our bills due at the end of the month. I'm upset because I spent hours making special food for my husband and now he doesn't want to eat it. He's not being a jerk about it, but it makes me feel like a failure. I'm alone today on Christmas Eve, and I'll be alone tomorrow too. I want to do something special or meaningful to make me less depressed, but the depression has sucked my energy making it almost impossible for me to do anything. I can't stop thinking about suicide. It's been getting worse and worse. I can't go an hour without thinking about it. I know I won't do it in the near future (unless something drastically changes), but it's incredibly draining to constantly be in this fight with myself.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sincerely sorry you are so down. If I had a Christmas wish it would be to simply allow other people to accept themselves as the great people they I see when they post here. Your efforts at a dinner do not make you a failure, they make you somebody that cares enough to make the effort for somebody else even without the adulation and thanks that are due for such effort. You are not a failure for doing everything you can with the resources available regardless of what the result is. Unfortunate but this type of extra effort in the face of financial problems makes it harder and makes the emotional costs so much higher. When there are other big problems in out lives we want to try to make the small efforts equal to the problems and it is simply no tpossible - but you made the effort anyway and did what you could - I suspect and sincerely hope he does appreciate it even if unable to show an amount of appreciation equal to your dedication and work. You do did not make it for him for the thanks and adulation, you made it for him because you loved him and that is still apparent without getting anything back. Giving of yourself even when getting nothing in return , no teven a thanks is the definition of true giving and being a truly good person. While you certainly deserve that recognition and i am sorry it was not the hoped for idyllic result, nobody can take away the gift of true love and caring you gave to him and to the world of selflessness.

    I do not know how to make your day nicer, I do not know how to help you pay your bills at the end of the month. I do know you are very very clearly a very good person and that is something special and rare and I know I am a slightly better person for having crossed your path today and being reminded what a kind heart is. Merry Christmas and share some of your kindness with yourself today - you deserve it.
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    what country/state are you in?

    there may be some government and private aid that could help you. in some cases, you can get aid with heat, for example. there's also food pantries. you might also want to apply for disability insurance, as being depressed is indeed a disability

    hope that things can get better soon!
     
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