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Rough night. Can't sleep..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cie, Aug 12, 2013.

  1. cie

    cie Banned Member

    I'm here to get some stuff off my chest I feel the need to talk about.

    It's 5 minutes to midnight as of right now. I tried to sleep but I can't, I don't have insomnia right now, and things are looking up in my life - I'm 95% of the way towards getting a new job, but I'm stressing that I will lose it to some other candidate, but I've made it this far.

    So I should be able to sleep, but I can't. Story time, I guess.

    A long while ago I met someone online (not here) and we talked all the time, became good friends. She was married at the time but it was a loveless and somewhat abusive relationship so all I could do from this far was be there for her. I was going through a hell of a lot at the time also, and we helped each other through the rough times we were having.

    Obviously, since you all know where this is going I might as well say it - we loved each other a lot, as more than friends. But she was married and it kind of tore at us. After a while we couldn't hold out, we both knew it was really wrong so throughout our "relationship" we broke up over 5 times and repeatedly got back together, whether it was guilt, or we were too hurt from our bad lives to be stable, well one way or another... we just kept needing each other.

    She wanted to remain married long enough to at least get citizenship so she wouldn't be deported back to the states. But that didn't happen and she had to go back, she separated from her husband (can't divorce in Canada until one year separation or something) but this happened while we weren't talking. We weren't talking because one night I felt completely numb and couldn't feel a damned thing, and was cold towards her and I hated myself so much that I couldn't put her back in a situation where she might have to deal with that again. She didn't deserve it. Until finally I mustered up the courage and stupidity to email her, and we started talking again which is when I found out she separated.. but she didn't want anything to do with me because as she put it, she had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and doesn't want to head back into another, which is understandable.

    She always told me there was nothing I could do to push her away. But now she's out of a bad situation, and she was quite cold to me since. She talked differently, acted differently, like nothing mattered or meant anything.

    We had a fight, she left.

    She never came back.

    And I miss her so much that over six months down the road I'm losing sleep trying to comprehend how I went wrong all those times, how I managed to push away the one person who promised to always be around. During my days I'm fine, well... as fine as is normal for me. But soon as night comes, she's there, so intensely inscribed in my mind that she might as well be standing next to me. I lie down with her on my mind, I dream of her, I wake up thinking of her. Every moment I think of her there is a deep dark hole in my stomach that never goes away until the next day begins.

    I don't know if I still love her. I feel like I do but it's a feeling that I do not trust. And frankly, a feeling I do not want. I need her out of my head, my heart, my pathetic little life. I've tried reaching back out to her, nothing, never anything. Made the mistake of typing her name in the facebook search bar and my heart crumbled into little pieces when I saw her photo. I don't know how to feel anymore. It doesn't make any sense to me what happened, I didn't describe it very well here but I hope people can relate... The confusion, the lack of closure, being torn from someone I cared about so much.. It's too much.
  2. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    Yikes, sorry to hear all that. Facebook is a fucking demon -- you want to forget people, but there's just that imp of curiosity that makes you look them every so often.

    I know it's not much, but I just wanted to offer some words of consolation and say that somebody's listening(reading?). I've been through a few bouts with people that have lacked closure. They suck. They make you angry and hate yourself and constantly wonder if you could have done things differently. It's difficult, as there's no objective/unfailing formula on how to maintain relationships with people. I hope you find some peace with what has happened with her.

    PS. 'grats on the progress with the new job!