rough night, it all feels hopeless

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ghostangelcake7, Sep 8, 2016.

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  1. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    I mean a permanent hopelessness, not a temporary one. I can't fathom the idea of living here with my ex for long, but getting a room is making me physically ill, living with a new stranger and not having the same reliability I had with a partner (i.e if I cannot pay the rent its going to be a problem), and otherwise I have been battling and coping with extreme depression for the last several days, it comes and goes without warning. I did not leave the house at all today either, just stayed inside sitting alone, wrestling the urge to even think about doing anything that might harm myself, but when you feel this bad...

    I wish I had someone who genuinely knew me to speak with (in person), but I do not. I joined this forum in desperate hopes that maybe a complete stranger could kind of supplement that void. My life has been a messy one. I found myself having an entire conversation with myself about how my life is just seemingly so pointless, just working to support my depressed existence, rinse and repeat. On top of that, I live with so many painful memories and trauma, I can't feel good anymore. It bothers me to have to go on meds to feel good, but if I want to continue living without persistent negative thoughts and depression, anxiety and stress. I have to. And probably the heavy-duty type too..:(

    I have 3 siblings who are doing much better than me, two of them never experienced depression, the other who has, is married with a son. I just don't feel good about being an aunt to my nephew. I feel like I am am embarrassment for having my mental health issues and my past... I am pretty much certain I will be absent from my family's life for the most part. I am at the mercy of my own self responsibility and whatever ways I can find to keep my life sustained without physical support or any form of support coming from any other than my self. I have no real desire to continue living, I honestly don't. I don't want to leave my fish behind or the shelter because it's gave me some light..but not enough to feel secure. They don't pay me to be there, and it's only a few hours per week. I am alone with myself now all the time. I hope I can manage it longer.

    thanks for hearing me out...
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hey there, depression can take your thinking to a very dark place, I've been there many times and so have many people here. I didn't really want to go antidepressants either, but I finally gave in and it did help. It sounds like you are really struggling and this may help you through this dark period. maybe at a later time you can come off of them if you want to.
    Or maybe with therapy in conjunction with meds your life will get better. I'm sorry you're in so much pain and I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself my friend
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Ghostangelcake,

    I'm sorry you're having such a rough time...all I can say is I support you and feel for you. xx
  4. MusicalHeart

    MusicalHeart Well-Known Member

    Hey.. If you ever need to talk, message me. I will listen. Even if you think it's stupid to rant about it, I will listen.
    ghostangelcake7 likes this.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are among people who care about YOU. IF you are having issues, please seek some mrdical help or one to one counselling which will help YOU.

    In the current situation cannot you downsize to share with a family and perhaps help with baby sitting or other duties assuming you live in a city. If you cannot afford to live on your own, then can you move back to your parents or with one of your siblings. There is nothing wrong with asking family for help. Especially, if you want to get away from your EX.

    If I have caused any duress, then I am very sorry for any hurt. Please keep posting here as we care. On a lighter note, what are the names of your fish?

    ghostangelcake7 likes this.
  6. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your replies. All I have right now is this forum for any positive socializing, and then wait until the next time I volunteer, which could be days away.. I am otherwise holding on ok. Just got out of a really depressed state of mind, probably the worst level of depression possible. I am learning to distract myself and get 'creative', upon having a long chat with my older sister, she gave me some ideas and some moral support that I needed to hear. It does help coming from your responses as well. I needed to be uplifted something fierce this night. I am very grateful to get your responses.
    moxman, Unknown_111 and MusicalHeart like this.
  7. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Hi, thanks. I'm not exactly brand new lol. But thanks for the welcome! Guess I don't post as much anymore so I seem like I'm new (well semi-new).

    I know that living with family isn't something that is possible for me, my volunteering opportunity would be lost for one, and other reasons that don't really make it a viable option for me. So the best I can do it hang on and keep looking, or live with a co-worker who offered me a space to stay in worst case scenario. I don't want to but hey, it's a safety net.

    You haven't cause duress at all, I am feeling much better right now. I have one red Siamese fighting fish I dubbed thee 'Elmoe' he's got googly eyes.

    Thanks I appreciate your care to write this message!
    Unknown_111 likes this.
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your welcome. I hope you are feeling better now. You know we are here for YOU.
  9. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That's good to hear and nice name for the fish. :)
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