Rough Point Nearing the End

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tmacster1, Apr 9, 2015.

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  1. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Hitting a rough and low point in my life where I've been considering suicide again. I feel broken and alone now because I've lost two close friends of mine recently, and it's been taking a toll on me where I don't know what to do. It's the first time I've been broken and depressed since the first time I've been on here with my moms death. my close friend died on March 28, 2015, and just today I found out my friend Jessica committed suicide around 4 in the morning... It just feels like a piece of me has been ripped out. Now I wished that my first suicide attempt had succeeded where I wouldn't feel the pain and grief I've experienced and am experiencing now.

    Jessica wasn't happy in life from what was written in her suicide letter. Why didn't she tell me what she was going through? Last text I got from her was wishing me a goodnight and that we would talk again in the morning. It was ironic because we were talking about suicide in my youth group. We watched a youtube that reminded me a lot of the suicide letter I wrote. If you want to watch it I'll post a link at the end of the post. It was created to raise awareness about suicide and nothing is further from the truth. I wish I died during my attempt and that's selfish of me because I wanted to die. Right now I want to die as well... But, I have a support net that has been keeping me tethered from falling off the cliff. But, I'm nearing the end of my rope how much pain and grief do I need to go through? I know we all are going to die and I know that I will die. But, why did Martin have to die in a car accident and why did Jessica have to commit suicide? Both were younger than me and they were full of potential which I wish I had... College stress and job hunting that hasn't been panning out hasn't been helping me.

    I guess I'll never know why Jessica didn't reach out for help. But, I guess the same was like me when I attempted didn't feel like there was no hope. Sometimes I feel like I'm a waste of space on this earth with no meaning and no potential. My mother died when I was young and my father wasn't around so I didn't have a childhood. I had to grow up fast and practically raise myself - while going through grief, guilt, and pain about my mother's suicide. I wish I could be successful like my friends and the rest of my family. I vent to you all now because it's my only source right now to vent fully. I lost my insurance and can't afford getting a private one so the pressure of finding work and continue school has been eating away at me physically, emotionally, and mentally. Loosing hope and faith that my life has a purpose.

    I'm not immediate danger but depression and suicidal thoughts have returned, and without support I'll probably go over the edge and attempt suicide again. I don't do well with crisis lines because I don't like to physically talk about my problems. I find my relief through writing it out. At least I've learned of a text crisis line if that should be needed.

    The link above is to the video we watched in my youth group. It pertained to our lesson but it brings up a lot of memories of the letter I wrote when I attempted to kill myself. The video is meant to raise awareness and it's definitely a touching video. The song is by red called pieces and it sums how I feel right now pieces.
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I have lost many this time year also. Am sorry you are hurting. We can listen. Thanks for giving us chance an reach out.
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i hope you will persevere.
  4. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that and thank you. I've lost a part of myself with the death of Martin and Jessica. So, much grief and pain in my life from those two's deaths. Loosing people close to you is rough but loosing two within 12 days is rough. Guilt has set in for me because I should of seen the signs with Jessica... But, I suspected nothing because her last text was normal to me. But, I guess she was unhappy in life and she felt she was alone.

    I've persevered for 10 years of my life but I'm loosing the strength to continue to fight. I had to use the crisis text line last night because I needed to vent my feelings out to someone. I'm fatigued from all the pain and grief I've experienced through out my life.
  5. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    "somebody do something..."

    yeah, i heard that.
  6. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Very touching video in my mind.
    The grief I've been experience is definitely wearing down my strength.
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