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Rough therapy session (triggers?)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Azathoth, Nov 12, 2007.

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  1. Azathoth

    Azathoth Member


    I just need to talk a little - if this isn't the right forum, please forgive me...

    I had a rough therapy session tonight and I'm hurting. We talked about the holidays, and it brought up a lot of pain. The holidays used to be magic - I remember the sound of snow in the woods, the ocean at night, the lights on the village green. I remember feeling at peace and thinking that there was magic in the world. That peace went away a long time ago, and the only way I'll ever find it again is in death.

    Today, my life is like a forced march. If someone told me that I going to die, part of me would miss my dog and my cats but part would be relieved. I see Christmas coming, and I would give anything for it to pass me by. It's not just the relentless commercialism or family issues; it's that the magic is gone. Normally, I can grit my teeth and go through it, but the holidays make the contrast worse.

    I'm tired, and I'd give anything to feel that peace again, even my life. A couple of months ago, I took some pain meds because I just wanted to stop hurting for a little while. I experimented with the dosage, and for one morning, I woke up without any pain or voices in my head. Unfortunately, it was my dog's medicine (he passed away in February - I felt like it was his last gift to me) and I don't have any more.

    I don't know what else to say. I'm a little confused and hurt tonight, and just wanted to talk a little. I can't stay on, so if anyone replies, please, please don't think I'm ignoring you - it's just that there are other people in the house and I can't talk about this with them.

    Thanks for listening,
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear you are hurting so deeply and feel you have no one you can talk about it with outside of therapy. Holidays are difficult for many people. They hold different meanings for us all. Feel free to post here as often as you can. We will do what we can to support you and help you through. Take care of yourself Steven. We will be here when you are able to get on. :hug:
  3. Azathoth

    Azathoth Member


    I can always count on you. Thank you for being here for me (and for everyone else...) If you were here, I'd give you a hug (and a few tears), but I'll have to settle for sending you a virtual one... :hug:

  4. immure

    immure Account Closed

    hope ur feeling better
  5. alwaysincrisis

    alwaysincrisis Well-Known Member

    I'm thinking of you.........you are being really brave......
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