Hi. This is my first time posting and trying to explain my feelings, so please bare with me if this post is a bit lengthy.. I am suffering from suicidal feelings for some time now. I've been suffering from depression since I was about 16, and it was left untreated until last year when I finally went to see a psychiatrist. It all started basically from seeing my dad going through depression due to my grandfather dying when I was 16. My dad started drinking, and I ( being the oldest in the house at the time) was forced to deal with him on my own. My mother was working in another city for most of the week, and I was trying to protect my younger brother from seeing my father like that. One night my mother awoke me in the middle of the night, yelling frantically that my father has gone crazy and I must protect her. I still don't know what happened but I think that he attempted suicide and she walked in on him. He subsequently shot himself in the leg, and I had to help him put in stitches. I only remember standing there shivering the entire time, feeling extremely helpless. Anyway that was a long time ago, and my father has since made a full recovery from his depression, still occasionally having too much to drink, but without becoming violent. Obviously this affected me and I became socially awkard in school, withdrawing from conversations etc. My grades was also left wanting when I was 17, but I achieved good grades when I was in grade 12. In college, my grades started declining again as I gradually slipped back into a state of depression. I was at what I thought was my worst a year ago when I eventually went to see a psychiatrist. I was prescribed a combination of medication consisting of antipsychotics, antidepressants, anxiety medication and Ritalin. I still do not know what the antipsychotics are for as I do not believe I suffer from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, and it seems a bit extreme to prescribe it right away for someone suffering from depression, but I am still on this medication. Although I went to see the psychiatrist it was too late to rescue my year at university, as I couldn't complete 1 subject (our main subject - a project that we had to complete). This was the only subject which I failed(even after receiving an extension for it). I am repeating the subject this year, but all my problems seem to have returned with interest. I am worse off than I was last year. My problem now is that everytime I try to work on my project, I keep getting thoughts that I will not be able to finish it and that it would be better to end my life than to fail the subject again and see the dissapointment on my parents' faces again.. I can't seem to shake these thoughts. I can't tell my parents of these thoughts because I know how selfish the idea is. My father is also overseas at the moment and I cannot expect him to return just for me, and my mother is also going overseas next week. I thought of committing myself by telling my psychiatrist about these feelings, but I'm afraid my parents or my family will find out, because they already know I'm depressed and checks up on me regularly. I have already cut my wrists (shallow cuts) to show to myself how painful it will be, but the opposite effect occurred. It was actually not that painful, and each time I saw the blood I felt relief instead of panic. I am becoming more and more calm at the thought of suicide and that scares me.. I don't know what to do. Should I stop my project and do it again next year( with absolutely no guarantees that I will be better by then) , or should I just press on hoping these thoughts will subside and that I do not act on my urges again... Ruin my family's life by confessing or ruin their life by suicide? Both seems equally cruel and I don't want to do either... Please any suggestions will be much appreciated. I know that I probably don't want to die as I've chosen the suicide method with the greatest chance of being able to change your mind after committing the act.. But these assurances disappear once my irrational thought process begins all over again. I've also done a lot of research on where to cut, so I think if I do it I will probably die... Anyway, sorry for ranting on for so long. Thanx in advance for any suggestions.