Ruin family by confessing or suicide... (long)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by max0718, Jul 5, 2008.

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  1. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi. This is my first time posting and trying to explain my feelings, so please bare with me if this post is a bit lengthy..

    I am suffering from suicidal feelings for some time now. I've been suffering from depression since I was about 16, and it was left untreated until last year when I finally went to see a psychiatrist. It all started basically from seeing my dad going through depression due to my grandfather dying when I was 16. My dad started drinking, and I ( being the oldest in the house at the time) was forced to deal with him on my own. My mother was working in another city for most of the week, and I was trying to protect my younger brother from seeing my father like that. One night my mother awoke me in the middle of the night, yelling frantically that my father has gone crazy and I must protect her. I still don't know what happened but I think that he attempted suicide and she walked in on him. He subsequently shot himself in the leg, and I had to help him put in stitches. I only remember standing there shivering the entire time, feeling extremely helpless. Anyway that was a long time ago, and my father has since made a full recovery from his depression, still occasionally having too much to drink, but without becoming violent.

    Obviously this affected me and I became socially awkard in school, withdrawing from conversations etc. My grades was also left wanting when I was 17, but I achieved good grades when I was in grade 12. In college, my grades started declining again as I gradually slipped back into a state of depression. I was at what I thought was my worst a year ago when I eventually went to see a psychiatrist. I was prescribed a combination of medication consisting of antipsychotics, antidepressants, anxiety medication and Ritalin. I still do not know what the antipsychotics are for as I do not believe I suffer from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, and it seems a bit extreme to prescribe it right away for someone suffering from depression, but I am still on this medication.

    Although I went to see the psychiatrist it was too late to rescue my year at university, as I couldn't complete 1 subject (our main subject - a project that we had to complete). This was the only subject which I failed(even after receiving an extension for it). I am repeating the subject this year, but all my problems seem to have returned with interest. I am worse off than I was last year. My problem now is that everytime I try to work on my project, I keep getting thoughts that I will not be able to finish it and that it would be better to end my life than to fail the subject again and see the dissapointment on my parents' faces again.. I can't seem to shake these thoughts. I can't tell my parents of these thoughts because I know how selfish the idea is. My father is also overseas at the moment and I cannot expect him to return just for me, and my mother is also going overseas next week. I thought of committing myself by telling my psychiatrist about these feelings, but I'm afraid my parents or my family will find out, because they already know I'm depressed and checks up on me regularly.

    I have already cut my wrists (shallow cuts) to show to myself how painful it will be, but the opposite effect occurred. It was actually not that painful, and each time I saw the blood I felt relief instead of panic. I am becoming more and more calm at the thought of suicide and that scares me.. I don't know what to do. Should I stop my project and do it again next year( with absolutely no guarantees that I will be better by then) , or should I just press on hoping these thoughts will subside and that I do not act on my urges again... Ruin my family's life by confessing or ruin their life by suicide? Both seems equally cruel and I don't want to do either...

    Please any suggestions will be much appreciated. I know that I probably don't want to die as I've chosen the suicide method with the greatest chance of being able to change your mind after committing the act.. But these assurances disappear once my irrational thought process begins all over again. I've also done a lot of research on where to cut, so I think if I do it I will probably die...

    Anyway, sorry for ranting on for so long. Thanx in advance for any suggestions.
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Good Morning Max,
    As far as the antiphsycotics go, he probably is trying a combo on you to see if helps. Keep in mind he is the professional. You said it your self you have irrational thoughts. The meds don't work if you don't take them.
    As far as your subject you are having problems with, is it possible to find a tutor to help catch you up? Me personally I think you need to stick it out and try to get it done. To many people take a break and never go back. Now adays if you don't have the papers you will have to find a manual labor type job. Keep us posted on how your doing. You can post or drop a thread any time. We are here for you. Good luck!!!:chopper:!!!
     
  3. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy Max,

    I don't know if this will help or not, but we seem to be in similar places.

    I've been going through some tough times with my university as well. My grades slipped last semester due to my depression, I was given a withdraw without prejudice, basically because of my depression my bad grades won't count from last semester. My family doesn't want to deal with my depression any more, because it's been affecting my life for the past 18 years (since I was six). I'm going to try and head back next semester but I too am afraid of falling back into depression and not being able to complete it - I also have financial difficulties in addition.

    The way I'm trying to cope with these problems is to think of backup plans. If I can't make it at the university next semester (even as devastating as that would be) I could get back into the working world. I also know I could qualify for Social Security from the severity and reports on my depression (have a whole filing cabinet filled with my psych stuff). Sometimes I forget the options I have available to me and rest on suicide as my backup plan - it's hard to shake it - but I know other people have done it, so I should be able to as well - and there are a lot of options that we sometimes can't see when we're depressed.

    Also, I have depression w/psychotic features - so I'm also on anti-psychotics - the psychotic part of my depression is losing touch with reality and getting so low I can't see anything but my depression (everything is negative/horrible in my eyes) - it's kinda like reality distortion - not being able to see anything outside of the depression.
     
  4. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    first off :welcome: to the forum here. i'm glad you spoke up. i would like to encourage you to hang on and keep trying to make it through it. you will be so proud of yourself when you do. keep with the meds too. they just might help more than you think. i would also like for you to encourage you to talk to your psych about what you have been feeling. they're usually pretty good at helping people work through their struggles. please continue to hang on, take care and most importantly stay safe.
     
  5. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Thanx for the posts. I still don't know quite what I'm going to do, but I guess I'll stick it out a while to see if anything gets better. Galalleni, thank you for sharing your story. I also feel my mother is in denial sometimes, as she constantly says to me "your not sick, your doing this to yourself" , which is true I guess, but she doesn't get that I am unable to control my thoughts.. She doesn't want me to see the psychiatrist because she thinks hes putting these ideas/depression state in my head. Do you guys experience the same from your families? That being said, I know she only wants what's best for me. I tried to work on my project today, but still I can't seem to concentrate.. I have a report due in 2 weeks, and my parents are checking up on me every day now to see how I've progressed. Naturally I have to lie to them, and I think their patience are wearing thin. I think in their eyes I just seem lazy, because I haven't told them any of this yet. Its hard to see that i can keep lying to them for long, so there is a big confrontation coming soon and I don't know what to tell them.(Obviously can't tell them about the suicidal feelings). I guess I'll make an appointment with my psychiatrist again. Anyway, thanx for listening!
    :smile:
     
  6. Firstly, greetings Max

    You’ve got a lot on your plate (Past AND present!!) and it sounds like you’ve been fighting SO fiercely! For that alone, you ought not feel like a failure in ANY sense! Inner battles are JUST as challenging as outer ones, except that WE are often the only witnesses. I’m glad that you have been able to get some help. And tho I’m not in the least qualified to judge your medications – it may well be that your psychiatrist thought a complete stop-gap measure was in order for the time being – and as you BOTH evaluate the results, so will time tell…

    I DO understand your ‘withdrawal’ as well – we can often sense that our experiences will not be welcomed – but I also suggest that you seek out resources in your community, whether small groups or organizations that deal with survivors of depressive and/or suicidal parents (OR online – if you find nothing available close-by). Know also that depression (as well as so many other things) can also be hereditary – this not meaning one is doomed – but that the awareness can provide knowledge of how to deal with it, and that it should indeed be addressed, instead of being swept-under-rug…

    And in THAT regard, many of us have been challenged by the notion of how others will react when we confide something that feels so very much like an admission of abysmal failure to cope (Honestly dear, there as so many more instances than others admit to – yet it is NOT a reflection of “weakness”, but of merely being human *hugs*). And it is so hard to integrate the acceptance that when we need help and support – we DO need to ask for it. Even if we fear it will cause others discomfort – for fundamentally – that is *their* “problem” (it could well mean that their OWN paths need a little deviating from). And someone in your predicament is NOT being self-ISH when revealing, never mind addressing their needs – but rather is engaging in genuine and wholesome Self-CARE.

    As for the “back-up plan” Re: your education – yes, ideally it would be a grand thing to come up with. But I also feel that right now you need to take care of your fundamental issues (and which of course does NOT preclude discussing this issue as well with your psychiatrist – a good rule I like to follow – and which I admit there are precious few I adhere to is, “Never edit while brainstorming”!)

    Again…welcome…
     
  7. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    Hi Max

    welcome and ty for sharing ,

    all i can say generally is that i too once faced a similar decision as u tho for very different reason s , i somehow chose to confess to my family , things about me .

    When they realised the situation i was in and that the alternative may have been to have lost me forever they quickly reassured me that nothing could have been as bad as that.

    They were things that did nt ruin my family as I thought they would hun but i now know had I taken the other route out of here things would have been very different.

    Its still up to u tho hun

    only u can make that choice , but may I tell u I think ur worth ur life and so much more hunni

    Please try to stay

    Come in chat sometime , everyone is really supportive :hug:

    Take Care

    Jo (patacake)
     
  8. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hey Max, welcome to SA
    I think i am, just like you, in a same situation.
    About 2 years ago, i took pills (over dose), it was my first SA
    my mom found out about it from my sister, but she never talked about it.
    Today im in really hopless situation, which i hope you will be able to avoid.
    My mom, she thinks im lazy, and that my depression is just something i imagine..
    my dad... well.. he thinks im just a worthless creature

    Anyways from my expiriance, you really should talk about it with your parents
    i know it may be hard, but i bet thay will help and support you.
    i know it can be difficult, but you can wright your thoughts on a peace of paper
    And then just give it to them.
    I did the same thing when i was treated, i gave it to my psychiatriest
    I told her that i dont want to talk about it, but i knew that at least she can undarstand me.
    It helped me a lot, you should try it.
     
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You need to communicate with your parents about what is going on with you. You said they are already aware that you struggle and I think they would like to be supportive of you in your fight to live.The alternative would be devastating to them. Also talk to your psych. Maybe there needs to be an adjustment made in your medications. Finding the right combinations can be difficult and takes time. If you are not open with them, they can't help. As for your class, keep trying. I think you are defeating yourself because of what happened in the past. Because you didn't pass it last time doesn't mean you can't this time. Set goals for yourself about how much you will complete each time you work on it. Do it in small enough increments that you can be successful in reaching each goal. Before you know it the project will be completed. Have faith in yourself. If you would like to, you could post your progress here. Sometimes it helps to have someone else you are accountable to besides yourself. We would be interested in knowing how you are progressing. Please take care and stay safe. I want to see you succeed. :hug:
     
  10. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to thank everyone again for their posts, and to give you an update. I called my psychiatrist today, and told him about the suicidal thoughts. He told me that he will contact me as soon as he got a cancellation from one of his patients. I can honestly say that was one of the hardest telephone calls I had to make and didn't really feel better afterwards although I know that it was probably the right thing to do. I haven't been able to tell my parents yet. My mother is going overseas on Thursday, and I know that if I tell her or my father (who already is overseas) they will just worry about me unable to do anything.. So I think I'm going to talk to my psych first, and see where it goes from there. I just hope that he will be able to see me soon! Again thank you for all the advice!
     
  11. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Hey Max.
    Welcome to our family.

    I see you've got a lot right now..
    I say you stick with your schooling.

    The suicidal feelings.. well you're not alone here.
    We all have 'em.
    Well most. Haha.

    I suffer from depression as well
    And I cut too...

    I wish you luck
    And hope you find the support here.

    :hug: PM me anytime you need to talk
    I'm like, on a lot. haha

    -Rachel
    :hug:
     
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