Ruining my Plan

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by clairedelune, Aug 4, 2011.

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  1. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    I don't know how to say this properly. I even don't think this will be read through. But, I just want to let a few people know (and if you're one of the few, thank you so much for taking a time to read this piece of s***).

    Last May, I wrote a letter to God telling that I am too tired of everything, there's nothing worth living for and that I am ready to give up myself to Him. I also said sorry to Him in advance of what I am about to do.

    I planned to OD myself with some OTC meds I found at home. I researched for its lethal dose and I had secured enough number of tabs to actually OD myself. And I thought of doing this at the dawn of my 19th birthday which is a few hours from now. In my letter, I was telling God that I exactly had at least 3 months to try to renew my life and see if anything better happens. Seeing there is none, I have finally come to a point where I must do something already.

    I don't know why I'm even sharing this but I have this eerie feeling that I might really do this. Because I had promised myself that I would not break this plan unless there would be signs that I shouldn't go on with this. Now, I got the meds and the letter secured in my closet. And I'll just be waiting for a few hours more.

    I'm scared because I might not be able to control myself because if I let this plan go, this would mean another disappointment on my part. That I always lack the courage to do something. I keep on planning things I'm not even capable of doing. Now, I don't know what to do. I just want to stop the clock and I hope everything gets better.

    Please give me anything that would keep my feet on the ground. :sad:
  2. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey :hug: flush those pills down the toilet

    if you are praying to God and that helps you then remember He would not want you to do this.... also nobody else would!.... suicide wreaks havoc on so many lives...

    is there anybody in real life that you can contact and talk to? if not then contact your doctor..... there is help out there... just find the right place to get it :hug:
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I was suicidal. And I scared myself and started a chain of events that involved those sheets I sent you.

    That was 9 years ago and my life has changed so much. The evil thoughts in your head can be adjusted to better reflect reality. But it takes time to do so, I hope you can give yourself that time and effort.

    Doing so would be brave, not a bad thing, not a disappointment.
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    To me, you are sharing this to everyone here for the reason that you are hoping that someone will try and stop you, tell you that there is always a siver lining among the clouds and that things won't alwqys be so bad in your life and you want help, be it consciously or subconsciously.
    With birthdays and other events of importance, everything that is bad in life alwqys seems to be magnified ten-fold, yet you have to realise that while there's little any of us can do for you here except impart words of kindness and tell you that you're never alone in how you feel, the fact that we are all here and willing to support you in everything you do should tell you that you are not alone in your thoughts, with all of us lending you our strength to bear your burdons and see them through to happier days, even if we all we will ever be to you are mere words on your computer screen.

    It's your 19th birthday and you are not celebrating it with your close friends or family or even celebrate it like you had imagined, but then how many things ever turn out like we plan for? If anything, stay online and let everyone here welcome your new year of being on this Earth and have us celebrate with you. Put away your thoughts for the time being, sit a spell and share the cake around with us! :cake:
    We're all mates after all!
  5. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    Nah! I won't flush those pills down. They might still be useful as pain killers but I promise not to OD them. :)

    Thank you for reminding me that God is there. I know He won't let me down.

    I don't really have anyone to talk to in person right now because this is probably my biggest secret, me being suicidal. But since you showed your concern, I'll probably feel better. :hugtackles:
  6. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    Hey, I totally forgot all about the sheets. I've tried answering them before but that was only once. I became so busy in school all of a sudden that I forgot about answering them. They're all tucked inside my closet. Thanks for reminding me. And thank you once again for sharing them to me. It meant so much.

    I hope I can finally see the change that could happen to me. I guess I just have to wait a little longer and to be braver this way. :)
  7. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    Yum! The cake looks really fancy and delicious. Thanks for reminding me that birthdays can be fun. All I know is that birthdays are celebrated because people would want to appreciate someone's existence. But since, I did nothing interesting or significant to anyone, I didn't think I deserve a celebration. I am really bitter, I know.

    Guess what? I asked God for a sign that if there would be at least 3 people who would reply to this crap, I won't do it anymore. God was really hearing me all the time. So, I guess I'll try to comfort myself with your company and I'll be fine. Thanks for caring. :hugtackles:
  8. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    The only thing that can keep you here is you. If you keep waiting for something to happen that will make everything better, then it's never going to happen.

    Only you can change what goes on in your head. 5 months ago, I was having probably the strongest urge to kill myself, and I told myself that when I get home, i'm going to kill myself. But then I listened to the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, and it pretty much saved my life. After I listened to it, I just wanted to cry my eyes out (but i was in school, so that would have been really wierd and awkward). If i didn't listen to that song, i'm pretty sure i would have killed myself that day.

    Only you can make the decision to keep living, or to end your life. Just do one thing today for yourself (that does not include killing yourself), and try to stay one more day. Listen to the song Iris, it helped me, so maybe it can help you too!!!! :hugtackles:
  9. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    It doesn't matter if you do anything important or significqnt with your life as long as you make your life a good one and whether 3 people reply or just 1, it still shows you will always have someone to care about you enough to keep you around. :hugtackles:
    Now who's got some candles, so we can light this thing up? :yay:
  10. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    I've heard of the song before but I wasn't suicidal then. Well, I guess it would really help at this moment. But, thank you, I'm deciding to terminate the plan. I would just use up my courage instead to keep on living. :hugtackles:
  11. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    Sorry! I haven't got any candle. :sheep2:
    We could just go on with the cake. Lol.
  12. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    No problem, I hope they help and I reiterate if you want a hand with them just PM me. I advise just doing one a day, last thing at night so your brain can process things while you sleep.
  13. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    Sure! I've heard the brain is more active during nighttime. :hugtackles:
  14. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Happy birthday, and so glad you are with us...I guess we get a gift on your birthday...know there are so many ppl who care about you and that life cannot be placed in a far as making an agreement with G-d, maybe the support and caring you have here is a sign of how truly worthy you are...happy birthday again, and please keep posting...we need ppl like you here...J
  15. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    Thank you for the greetings. Though it's my birthday, I don't know why I still feel so sad. But this too shall pass. Take care, admin. Now, I can call myself worthy because some of you care.
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