Rules For Dating My Daughter

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by JmpMster, Apr 24, 2013.

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  1. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I did not write this- it was shared to me on facebook by my wife who accused me of writing it - but it made me laugh. For the record I have 3 daughters 21,17,14 and not followed through on any of the proposed things in this - but it is funny :)


    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a sand hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    LOL! I thought of my dad when I read this!
  3. shedhaddock

    shedhaddock Banned Member

    i like these rules :D
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    lol that is funny
  5. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    i like the rules
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member


    NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a
    complete financial statement, job history,
    lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

    DATE OF BIRTH_____________
    HEIGHT__________ WEIGHT__________
    SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
    DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
    BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________
    HOME ADDRESS_________________________ CITY/STATE_______________ ZIP______

    Do you have parents?__Yes __No

    Is one male and the other female?__Yes __No
    If No, explain: _______________________________

    Number of years they have been married____________
    If less than your age, explain___________________________________________ ________________________________________________


    A. Do you own or have access to a van?
    __Yes __No
    B. A truck with oversized tires?__Yes __No
    C. A waterbed?__Yes __No
    D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?
    __Yes __No
    E. A tattoo?__Yes __No
    F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
    __Yes __No



    In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE'
    mean to you?____________________________________

    In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH
    MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ________________________

    In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE'
    mean to you? ___________________________________


    Church you attend ? __Yes __No

    How often you attend ?__________________

    When would be the best time to interview your:
    Father? __________ Mother? ___________
    Pastor? ___________


    Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
    are confidential.

    A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

    B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

    C: A woman's place is in the:_________________________

    D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

    E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________

    F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

    F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _________


    Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

    Mother's Signature________________

    Father's Signature ___________________




    State Representative__________________


    Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try
    to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
    (you might want to watch your back)
  7. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    lol - And I thought I was tough! I never even thought about a questionnaire .. until now....
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Lol at both of these!! And I thought my dad was intimidating! I'm beginning to think I had it easy.
  9. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Ben and watingecho thanks for some good laughs today for all.. Very darn glad I only got a son!!!lol
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I'm bloody sure my dad wrote the above!

    I once dated a chap who had studs on the heels of his shoes, so they made a clacking sound when he walked.
    Every time he brought me home, dad would appear as if by magic and Barry (the guy with the shoes) assumed he'd waited on the doorstep when I left till when I got home.
    Turned out, dad would listen for the clacking sound and immediately get to the door just incase Barry had any ideas of a goodnight kiss. LOL!
  11. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    LoL! I thought of my dad as well when I read this.
  12. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    When I was 15 I met the most adorable older boy...he came into my house to meet my father was 6'4" in all dimensions...we did have a rifle hung in the closet, a fact which my father shared almost as he was saying, 'hello'...he asked T to sit in the living (interrogation) room, one lamp on next to the side of the couch...roaring fire going, with easy access for anyone to be thrown in...big King German Shepard watch from the corner of the room (Hans was a lap dog but no one knew that at first) father began the inquisition (remind you, the boy was all of 16)..."what do you plan on doing for a living?" "What university are you going to?" "Whose car is that?" the social talk was over and now my father stands over T and says, "What do you think of Hitler?" (I swear this happened)...poor T...he did not know what to say or how to get out the quickest...needless to say, Daddy Dearest never got to meet another date of mine until I was going to move in with someone...and yes, he said and followed through with the following..."If you two move into together, you will both be dead to me!"...I was dead to him for years, but though somewhat sad, it was also peaceful in its own way
  13. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    I remember this one chick I was into and her father tried the whole intimidating dad thing but then he I realized I was 8 inches taller and almost 50kgs heavier than him and realized he just made a fool of himself.
  14. Senada

    Senada Well-Known Member

    Haha! Thanks :lol:
    My dad would never do this, luckily. But my grandfather I'm not so sure about.. :p
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