That's a good word...ruminating. I do that all the time. I can't stop thinking and envisioning myself in my ICU bed hanging on to dear life. I imagine how I must have looked, all kinds of tubes hooked up to me, fighting so hard to just breathe. My family was so scared that they would lose me. My near-death experience is once in a lifetime that I will never forget. Waking up on day 9 and not knowing what happened to me. The month after I recovered fully (now that was a miracle), I still couldn't grasp what I did to myself and everybody who knew me. How could I even have thought of doing such a horrible thing to myself? Now that bits and pieces are putting the puzzle together, I feel that I am entertaining the thought of doing it again to that extreme just for kicks. Isn't that insane or what? My adrenaline is running and I wish I could go back in time just to re-experience the whole ordeal. How could I even wish that? Is it that I am seriously seeking for attention at the most extreme? I vaguely remember everything that happened but I can just imagine. I feel so guilty to admit this. I will tell my therapist that I'm having these thoughts and wishes. I hope I have the guts to. I don't want to admit to it because I know it is so retarded. Am I starving for that much attention? The doctors who treated me and the nurses who looked after me, and the whole hospital ordeal has got me desiring their attention. I'm not going anywhere with this. It is ridiculous and pointless to even express what I just wrote. I don't even know if this post will be deleted. I must be kidding, right?