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Discussion in 'After Effects' started by mpang123, Dec 27, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    That's a good word...ruminating. I do that all the time. I can't stop thinking and envisioning myself in my ICU bed hanging on to dear life. I imagine how I must have looked, all kinds of tubes hooked up to me, fighting so hard to just breathe. My family was so scared that they would lose me. My near-death experience is once in a lifetime that I will never forget. Waking up on day 9 and not knowing what happened to me. The month after I recovered fully (now that was a miracle), I still couldn't grasp what I did to myself and everybody who knew me. How could I even have thought of doing such a horrible thing to myself? Now that bits and pieces are putting the puzzle together, I feel that I am entertaining the thought of doing it again to that extreme just for kicks. Isn't that insane or what? My adrenaline is running and I wish I could go back in time just to re-experience the whole ordeal. How could I even wish that? Is it that I am seriously seeking for attention at the most extreme? I vaguely remember everything that happened but I can just imagine. I feel so guilty to admit this. I will tell my therapist that I'm having these thoughts and wishes. I hope I have the guts to. I don't want to admit to it because I know it is so retarded. Am I starving for that much attention? The doctors who treated me and the nurses who looked after me, and the whole hospital ordeal has got me desiring their attention. I'm not going anywhere with this. It is ridiculous and pointless to even express what I just wrote. I don't even know if this post will be deleted. I must be kidding, right?
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    does your family ignore you now? or do you still feel their love strong?
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Fortunately, my parents have become more closer to me than ever. I think they want to show all their love to me in case I go off the deep end again. My sister, however, couldn't handle what I did to myself and has never talked or visited me again.
  4. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    Its not ridiculous. It fact, its a really positive a dignified thing for you to be looking deeply at your own motivations. We can't control all the thoughts that pop into our minds. Plus, you are clearly making an effort here not to feed into that negativity by being honest about it and feeling a bit regretful. So that is a great thing.

    If your inner self is telling you that you need more attention then you probably do. We all need to give and receive love and attention and compassion.

    You can learn healthier ways to seek that attention. Replace those pictures in your mind with new ones. The mind NEEDS a focus. It naturally gravitates to rumination. But you can give it better obsessions that won't do harm to yourself and your loved ones. Think about it... what do you want your new rumination to be? In fact, you can think of rumination as meditation. That is all meditation is... thinking constantly about something positive like loving and giving for instance. The only difference is with meditation you get to chose the pictures and words you obsess over. Its why meditation is usually the top recommendation you see for depression and anxiety in almost every self help book.

    Also, I know its corny and a bit cliche, but volunteering can get you feeling less isolated, and people who contribute get lots of attention and positive feedback. That is just one example of a fresh focus you can provide for yourself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2013
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    iwanttohelp, thank you for replying. Yes, thinking and telling people you're suicidal is a form of attention-seeking and especially when I actually attempt it, the attention from the medical staff is very addictive to me. I crave that kind of attention. However, I do wish I can volunteer somewhere, been wanting to do that for a while now. The problem is that I live way in the country where there is no buses, taxis, or anything. When I have to go somewhere, my ride is on the mercy of my few neighbors who have a vehicle, but they are very busy in their lives to offer me a ride when I need to. I usually have to pay them for gas as a bribe. I've tried asking hospitals if I could volunteer, but they said I have to have a dependable ride because I would have to be available on call or as needed. Then, I was thinking about a library, but then transportation is an issue again. I am pretty much stuck out here most of the time but I feel very fortunate when I do have a ride. They are far and few apart, but that has to be for now. Also, as far as attention-seeking, especially when it comes down thinking I can get the ultimate attention from attempting suicide, I am going to start dialectical behavioral therapy. It's supposed to help but I don't know too much about it. I am eager and interested to know how it will work.
  6. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    I ruminate on my attempt all the time. Half the time it's out of shame and massive regret. Other times it's anger. Often I wish I'd succeeded. You may need attention but I don't think people put themselves in the ICU for attention, I think it is because they are in serious trouble.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 31, 2013
  7. OldGuy

    OldGuy Active Member

    I think it is the non-judgmental care we receive form the ER/ICU staff they we find desirable. They know almost everything about our physical and mental state while we are in the midst of a suicide crisis yet they take care of us without judging. I know for me that is very comforting.

    It is a sign of sanity to have the awareness the ICU environment was safe and caring. Definitely tell your therapist about these feeling. I’ve had the feelings of wanting the hurt myself just to get back to the safe caring environment. Those feeling are particularly strong right after leaving the hospital. I know for me they’re weird feelings but in a way they have protective and healing value.

    I’ve done a couple of courses of dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) can be effective but is a slow process. You have to trust that over time your ways of processing events and thinking about feeling will change for the better, but it generally will not happen quickly. DBT about learning skills and strategies to cope with life’s events. To me DBT doesn’t seem to be designed to deal with current acute feelings. Individual meetings with your therapist are where you can address those issues
  8. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you seem to understanding where I'm coming from. I can't wait till I start DBT with my therapist, but it will take lots of work and it will take time for it to sink in. My therapist is going to give me lots of info about it so I can also enlighten myself about it. Of course, he will work with me one on one in my individual sessions with him. I do have to admit that I wish I could live in a hospital because I love the attention I get because in the real world, nobody gives me that much attention. But I have to live my life in the real world because my wish is just a fantasy.
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