I don't trust anyone, and I have especially lost confidence in my own ability, my own judgement and my own strength. Since I stopped eating properly I've just started wasting away and my health has completely deteriorated and I don't even care, it's like I've just been winding down the time to dying. This morning I woke up and just said 'No More'. I called the Samaritans, usually I don't validate my own emotions as my parents always yelled at me if I was angry or sad so I've just tried to repress this awful depression, or control it as I was able to do at university using marijuana. I've started to love my friends a lot less, I've started to detest my family, and I've lost hope. I was rejected from a job I really wanted for not having enough confidence, but I don't like forcing myself or deliberately projecting my own feelings or opinions into a grouping as I feel it is immoral and unfair. Due to the lack of work and self-belief I have absolutely no money whatsoever, and as I'm living with my parents again it's like I've been made powerless, like a child again, when the thing I want to escape most of all is my own childhood. There was a girl who said she loved me and said she'd be there for me, but it's like she doesn't even care and she sees right through me. Frankly I've had enough. I think I've been strong for those around me for long enough, and now I'm ready to give in and just end it all. Life never seems to come up with a reward, and if it does, it's certainly not to anyone who deserves it, or to anyone with any decency. I find the world to be an intolerable, immoral cesspool, filled with hypocrites who can't follow their own doctrines, and due to human nature encouraging this way of thinking it's like there's no way out. I don't want to just become another human, I always felt like I could be more than that, but it is now more clear than ever that there is no place for me on this planet. Even if there was, I don't have the resources or the strength to make it happen. Sorry for the lack of structure in this post, I really was just trying to spill out everything that is making me feel this way onto a page, a medium where there might be like-minded people who might listen and empathise. I still feel like there is a lot I haven't got out, I just wish I could get out of this lonely, abhorrent hell, and the only exit I can conceive of is to take my own life. Please help me, because no one else can.