Run Out Of Vitality - the end of my will to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Socrates13, Jul 12, 2012.

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  1. Socrates13

    Socrates13 Member

    I don't trust anyone, and I have especially lost confidence in my own ability, my own judgement and my own strength. Since I stopped eating properly I've just started wasting away and my health has completely deteriorated and I don't even care, it's like I've just been winding down the time to dying. This morning I woke up and just said 'No More'. I called the Samaritans, usually I don't validate my own emotions as my parents always yelled at me if I was angry or sad so I've just tried to repress this awful depression, or control it as I was able to do at university using marijuana.

    I've started to love my friends a lot less, I've started to detest my family, and I've lost hope. I was rejected from a job I really wanted for not having enough confidence, but I don't like forcing myself or deliberately projecting my own feelings or opinions into a grouping as I feel it is immoral and unfair. Due to the lack of work and self-belief I have absolutely no money whatsoever, and as I'm living with my parents again it's like I've been made powerless, like a child again, when the thing I want to escape most of all is my own childhood. There was a girl who said she loved me and said she'd be there for me, but it's like she doesn't even care and she sees right through me.

    Frankly I've had enough. I think I've been strong for those around me for long enough, and now I'm ready to give in and just end it all. Life never seems to come up with a reward, and if it does, it's certainly not to anyone who deserves it, or to anyone with any decency. I find the world to be an intolerable, immoral cesspool, filled with hypocrites who can't follow their own doctrines, and due to human nature encouraging this way of thinking it's like there's no way out. I don't want to just become another human, I always felt like I could be more than that, but it is now more clear than ever that there is no place for me on this planet. Even if there was, I don't have the resources or the strength to make it happen.

    Sorry for the lack of structure in this post, I really was just trying to spill out everything that is making me feel this way onto a page, a medium where there might be like-minded people who might listen and empathise. I still feel like there is a lot I haven't got out, I just wish I could get out of this lonely, abhorrent hell, and the only exit I can conceive of is to take my own life. Please help me, because no one else can.
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    First, Hello and Welcome. I think our posts may have a lot in common, lack of structure.

    You're in a good place, the right place.

    Living for someone else, or trying to meet their expectations? You can live for yourself. and have your own expectations .

    I can assert by my own experience that lack of proper nutrition can really alter your mood and thought process. I'm not trying to be flippant, or minimize your pain in any manner, but why not try what worked for me? At least one fresh salad and at least 2 fresh fruits per day. try it for a couple of weeks (yes, it took me that long to see and feel the benefit).

    If you're a reader, pick up a good book, if you're into music, pick up a CD.

    We are a community of people who care for each other, we can offer support and encouragement, and a place to vent your feelings and frustrations, without condemnation, judgment or criticism.

    If you're rejecting your current friends, take a break from them, hang around here and make some new ones.

    I think you'll find some people here who have been in your shoes, and progressed past the problems that now may seem insurmountable.

    The world is unfair and unjust - that's been known for hundreds of years, and no one has found a solution.

    Stay here for awhile, you may read something that will spark your will to live.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2012
  3. Socrates13

    Socrates13 Member

    I don't really have the strength to make any more wholesale changes. I can't even be bothered to go back to the GP as I feel I have tried everything; meds, self-analysis, even completely overhauling my entire personality, but this really feels like the end. No one really listens or understands, I just want to die.

    I've never wanted to live for myself, to have a 'good [or enjoyable] life' so to speak; I always just wanted to do one really good thing for the world then just be allowed to die somewhere beautiful. Other people talk about hopes and dreams, of having a family, owning property, visiting places, but all I wanted to do was change the world for the better and it is clear that I have been boxed into a corner where I am not capable of changing even one mind. There was a time that I believed in God, and thus I could rely on that as moral support, but now I have no faith that good things will ever happen. The world is a wicked, miserable place which rewards those who want better things for themselves and nobody else, I just don't see the purpose of continuing to survive in such a place.
  4. Juiceh

    Juiceh Member

    Just out of curiosity, how old are you?

    One day, you WILL find some people, be it friends or family, who will want better things for you and not for themselves. You are right - the world is screwed with so many selfish idiots. But why die for them? Why not stay and try to start the change? I know how you feel though; wanting to die. But there are years ahead of us.
  5. Socrates13

    Socrates13 Member

    I am 21, but I have felt like this many, many times before and have struggled through, justifying it one way or another. This time I feel like I have fit my limit and have nothing left to give, no desire for anything, socially excluded (it's Friday night and I'm the only one of my friends stuck inside, and of course as I'm completely uncomfortable being at home that just makes things worse), I have no confidence in myself.

    The world is indeed filled with selfish idiots, and that's why it will never change. Being good-natured, giving and friendly about it has just weakened me and left me socially impotent. To be that kind of person in a human perspective is just to be a little bitch, always giving everyone else what they want but never ever actually being happy or contented or anything other than miserably lonely myself. I hate this place, I hate myself, and I just can't take it any more. There is no escape other than sweet death.
  6. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    I'm similar to OP, out of money and being told to exert myself more than ever at a time when I'm weakest. Been spiraling downwards psychologically for some time, leading to even 'simple' things being a herculean feat for me. Might only be a matter of time before I hit a dead end and the only acceptable solution is suicide. At least I'll be able to do it in full control of my faculties for objective reasons, rather than on a whim. I find loss of control to be the only thing that frightens me anymore, including the prospect of death, and I've become more reactionary to change than ever. No way I would accept meds or counseling. Don't want to die, but it'd be preferable to the tumult that may be coming if I don't.
  7. Eleventyone

    Eleventyone Member

    Your words really hit home for me... I feel that way pretty much every day now and it seems the only way out is down. I wish I could help you and I don't know who you are but I wish I could hold you so we could cry together.
  8. triedtoomanytimes

    triedtoomanytimes Well-Known Member

    Do you think sometimes we expect far too much of ourselves? then when we fail to live up to our expectations it in some way destroys a part of us? and because of our high self expectations we become less tolerant of weakness within others?
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