running from my thoughts

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Shagarath, Apr 23, 2016.

  1. Shagarath

    Shagarath Active Member

    i have lived several years in a "robot mode" closing off all my thoughts and feelings in order to survive my school years. i was never bullied directly, just looked down on and frozen out.
    now, several years after, i have gone into a depresion trying to cope with all the feelings from back then.
    (at least thats how i like to see it)
    my P sent me to a mindfullness group therapy thingy because she thought that might be the right thing for me. at the time i was really low, so i said yes, since anything that might help was worth trying to me.
    however, the mindfullness basically worked against my basic survival instinct (closing off my mind whenever things went wrong) when trying to open my mind to all the feelings instead of shutting off when the feelings became overwhelming, it ended up sending me even further down.
    after a week or so, i was finally able to shut it all out again, and had a week of near "manic" happiness (not because it was actually manic, just way happier than any logic i could come up with could explain)
    now the last few weeks, i have used all my time to "run away from myself"
    i cant stop to think about things, so i keep my self occupied with work, friends or the computer/PS3. this might sound liek a good thing, but it isnt. i keep running from my thoughts and it keeps making me exhausted. i cant stop to think because then ill go back to the overwhelming depression. sometimes im scared to go to sleep because i know that my thoughts will overwhelm me (got sleeping meds against that) and other times im unable to sleep at all because my thoughts keeps me up. this again turns the next day into a living hell since i dont have enough energy to do anything that day.

    i dont know what to do, but it feels like my whole self is just getting stretched out, waiting for the day it all burst. im scared of what will happen if that day comes. im scared because last time my feelings took controll of me, i started SH (still do) and they nearly got me killed because i was to busy saying "fuck that car" to even care that it was about to run me over. they also drove me way past the line of "i dont care if im alive or dead" The worst thing with me getting close to the "Suicidal line" is that i have a milion reasons to keep living, and to want to live. im just loosing the inner strength to do so.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that the mindfulness had an adverse effect on you and that you're suffering.

    Maybe DBT or something similar would be better for you? So you could learn some healthier coping mechanisms along with the mindfulness? I completely understand how it can be difficult to break down your survival techniques... I agree with your P doc that you do need to open up and work on these things, but you need the proper techniques and support to do so.

    I know it's not the same... but I suppose it's like with me hating some mindfulness techniques asking me to 'feel my body'... I usually shut off a lot of pain signals from my chronic pain, and opening up like that is horrible.

    I hope you find something that works for you. Keep up the good fight!
  3. Shagarath

    Shagarath Active Member

    maybe... its just that just the word "mindfullness" alone makes me react quite a lot (feeling a "lump" in the stomach, wanting to hit stuff, aggressive/hopeless thoughts)
    i know i have to somehow face it at some point, but last time it upset me so much that i was unable to go to work for a week. ever since then i seem to have used all my strenght trying to run away.
    now i either "run" or just "collapse"... some times i just get a sudden urge to sit down, give up (not sure what i wanna give up tho) and just cry

    what you say about chronic pain: i guess it would be about the same feeling, except for the fact that you seem to be able to handle it (?) while i get scared of my own reactions and start running without even knowing what im running from
  4. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    Is there something that happened to you that you are "running" from? Maybe there is a reason why the word "mindfullness" or being like that makes you have such a strong reaction. It almost sounds like a trigger. I think it would be helpful to talk to a therapist one on one and discuss just why your feelings are scaring you or making you feel so down. Feelings are definitely overwhelming at times, but there is only so much you can run. I tried to run from something for almost 10 years and it still caught up. Have you ever tried grounding? Taking a deep breath and describing something around you down to the last minute detail? How it feels, looks, smell, etc? It can help with anxiety sometimes. I hope you feel better soon!
  5. Shagarath

    Shagarath Active Member

    i have two P i talk to, and yeah... we are still trying to figure out exactly what im running from..
    and yeah... ever since the mindfullness thingy went down south, i have been scared of trying something like that again. So its only natural that it would become some sort of a trigger, i guess.
  6. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're working on it right now. It is scary at first to face something that gives you so much anxiety but with the right help you can get through it and it will no longer have that much of a hold on you.
  7. Shagarath

    Shagarath Active Member

    my P "made me" cry yesterday. he made me talk about my relationship to my parents.they are both some nice people and i have been open to them from day one about my problems. however, he went a bit further and made me realize that even tho they have been (and are) there for me, they dont give the emotional support i need. they talk to me and say all the "common" stuff (im sorry, hope you get better, etc, etc) but since they never show any feelings, it feels like talking to a wall.
    i know that some people are scared to show their emotions and frightened that it will make things worse if they do (when talking to someone thats depressed (or worse))
    but at least to me, those emotions shows that im talking to another PERSON and just sitting there answering like a fucking machine, gives me more or less the same feeling as when i try talking to someone and they ignores me. both leaves me feeling worse than i did.
    telling my P how "useless" my parents seems to be to me in this situation made me cry. when i was done crying, he wanted to do the "put this person in that chair over there" to see what i would say to my dad if i had him in front of me. i just looked at my P with a sad face and said "i have already given up on them"

    I can count on one hand the amount of people that have reached that "deep" into me that i actually manage to show such feelings in front of them. i think the only other person i have "dared" to cry in front of, was my ex...
    realizing that i have a nice family and also some really good friends, but NONE that i really could open up my feelings for, made me feel really lonely. real lonely. today i have been going around feeling "hungry" all the time. like i have a hole in my stomach that i wanna fill with food. except for the fact that i dont think its food i really need...
  8. Shagarath

    Shagarath Active Member

    "dared"... i guess "managed" would be a better word...
  9. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    @Shagarath I have the same exact problem with my parents and it is very sad and can definitely make you feel lonely. My parents found out that I was molested for a year when I was 10 and all they ever did about it was ask me if I was "okay". My parents are also very nice people but when it comes to showing emotion they shut down. It is very frustrating and I've cried about it so many times before. They still don't show me the emotional support that I feel I need and I also feel like I have given up on them doing it, and I tell my therapist that as well. I'm sorry that you are going through this - trust me I feel your pain. I hope that it will get better for you. I'm still working on these issues as well.

    As far as the "hungry" feeling goes.. I have that constantly too.