i have lived several years in a "robot mode" closing off all my thoughts and feelings in order to survive my school years. i was never bullied directly, just looked down on and frozen out. now, several years after, i have gone into a depresion trying to cope with all the feelings from back then. (at least thats how i like to see it) my P sent me to a mindfullness group therapy thingy because she thought that might be the right thing for me. at the time i was really low, so i said yes, since anything that might help was worth trying to me. however, the mindfullness basically worked against my basic survival instinct (closing off my mind whenever things went wrong) when trying to open my mind to all the feelings instead of shutting off when the feelings became overwhelming, it ended up sending me even further down. after a week or so, i was finally able to shut it all out again, and had a week of near "manic" happiness (not because it was actually manic, just way happier than any logic i could come up with could explain) now the last few weeks, i have used all my time to "run away from myself" i cant stop to think about things, so i keep my self occupied with work, friends or the computer/PS3. this might sound liek a good thing, but it isnt. i keep running from my thoughts and it keeps making me exhausted. i cant stop to think because then ill go back to the overwhelming depression. sometimes im scared to go to sleep because i know that my thoughts will overwhelm me (got sleeping meds against that) and other times im unable to sleep at all because my thoughts keeps me up. this again turns the next day into a living hell since i dont have enough energy to do anything that day. i dont know what to do, but it feels like my whole self is just getting stretched out, waiting for the day it all burst. im scared of what will happen if that day comes. im scared because last time my feelings took controll of me, i started SH (still do) and they nearly got me killed because i was to busy saying "fuck that car" to even care that it was about to run me over. they also drove me way past the line of "i dont care if im alive or dead" The worst thing with me getting close to the "Suicidal line" is that i have a milion reasons to keep living, and to want to live. im just loosing the inner strength to do so.