Running into Traffic

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by _Sil_, Mar 30, 2013.

  1. _Sil_

    _Sil_ Member

    I'm gonna vent. Here's a story.
    I don't want to hear advice, because I'm done with them. That doesn't mean you can't toss in a few if that's in your nature. But mentally, I'm done. And I've never had any motivation, or ways to get motivated.

    So sure, my mum isn't an alcoholic, and her abuse didn't last past my 15th year of life (most likely had to do with me telling on her in therapy).
    My intimidating military christian man of a father doesn't live with us either.
    My whole life I've raised my brother as if though I was the man of the family (a favor demanded by my father).

    My fear for losing my virginity and establishing connections of intimacy most likely stemmed from a traumatic event that I've been able to store away, or perhaps nothing happened at all.

    I've got a roof over my head, too much clothing in my closet and drawers, too many shoes, and enough food to last me (specifically. I don't think many can survive off of diet popcorn, veggies straws, crackers and apples).

    I have some friends, some people willing to listen, some people who know of my dark side.

    However, we typically seek solace in those we've been with most our lives.

    I don't have that cool guy or girl friend I've known since I was a todler, who's been with me through thick and thin in my whole line of growing up, mostly due to the fact that I've moved to-and-fro.

    So of course, I seek solace in my parents. But because my dad was left behind when I was 9 (am 22 now) the person I can go speak to is my mum.
    Not so hard, right? Considering she gets home around 3-4pm after an 8 hour shift, meaning that she's basically just outside my door when I can get to her.

    But that's the problem, she's not there. Well, physically and mentally she is, but to her, I'm not there. Or rather, I'm not worth listening to.

    It's amazing how in 22 years of ones life, living with another individual for most of your life can still stir surprises. But unfortunately, with this woman, every surprise is unfortunate, rather than good or something I can smile about in memory of her.

    So, I don't always get the better of my mum, ever. She always speaks poorly of me. I don't have a job (not easy to find), I didn't go to college this semester (couldn't afford it) and I don't ever leave my room, unless I'm making myself a salad (because I have an eating disorder she blows off- it's her running joke).

    But when I do confront her, well...
    Women, before you get all feminist on me (as a female myself), don't take offence to what I'm about to say.
    When I /do/ confront her, she's just such a fucking woman about it.

    Doesn't want to hear anyone elses problems, even if it involves her.
    My whole life, raising my lil bro, I've realized that my mum cares more about her tits, weist size, hair gleam and the men she can plow at her age, rather than the amount of pot my brother smokes every day (though he's doing good academically).

    Today, it started just like any other day I decide to stop being a room hermit and leave to face the world.
    I was getting ready to hang out with some friends, but then, as I saw my mum getting ready, I decided to take advantage of this and, rather than haul my friends to some places I had to run an errand or two to, I decided to just venture with my mum before hand.

    Me and her, it's always easier that way- quieter (I'm introverted), less arguments, more time to spend together. But she decides to then invite her sister, and together, they are gossiping bitches who love God too much and think that they're gonna make it in by talking shit about other people and disregarding their flaws.

    One such flaw was the encounter just before I decided to mat my face down with some powder to seal the concealer in place (as of late, lack of sleep is showing). I was making last second adjustments to the concealer under my eyes, when I muttered something about her being one of the only who could take me, since I had no friends (and no personal car).

    She heard, and with her antagonizing tone blurts out "Pft, that's right! A grown woman who doesn't even have friends! That's strange, that's wrong!" . She didn't say it in a kind concerned tone. She said it in a way that would make the most righteous of nuns slap her across the face for being such a bitch.

    Of course, this took me down 5 moods, and being bipolar, well, let's just say that was as much as I could spare.

    I then confronted her, told her that it was mostly in the way she raised me that molded me into this mentally disturbed, lonely, thing.
    But she said that "it was in the past" and to "not involve her".

    Now, this is where I wanted to laugh. To HOWL. To SCREAM.

    When someone RAISES you to be something, you grow UP to be THAT person. If someone raises you making you believe you are lonely, lesser, etc, even if it's just some tossed jokes, as a kid, you take that in seriously.
    You consume it, it becomes a PART of who you are.
    Some are stronger, they leave, they make it out alive and better.

    But that's not me. I'm handicapped by this stupid mental instability.

    As of late, suicide's been on my mind.
    I'm sick of this stupid eating disorder, this need to be physically perfect as I round my nights with p90x and cardio. I'm tired of knowing that my younger brother will shine above me. I'm sick, sad, tired tired TIRED.

    Sometimes I look at the road and just want to run into a car-

    After the confrontation, going out and picking up my aunt, I'm constantly ridiculed. My mum looks at me like a piece of crap, no doubt because, haha, I managed to put her in a foul mood after not shutting up when she told me to leave her alone.

    We go to the mall, because I need to encounter a manager I filled a job application for a few days ago. Just one, meh, it's something, even for me.
    So far so good. I don't get the eye or insults while there.

    But then we leave, and it starts again. I'm being insulted for things I don't care to even talk about most times. I just sit silently and take it, trying to keep my temper in check.
    Finally she asks me if that was all I needed to do. I said no, and remind her that we needed to go to the other store to confirm my appearance and interest in the job.
    She doesn't like that.

    The very woman who was demanding I get my shit together and find a job is mad that I'm trying. So I lost it. I didn't yell so much as elevate my tone, and told her I was trying, that what more did she want from me? That I was tired of this, of everything. WHAT DO YOU WANT OF ME?
    Meanwhile, my aunt silently sits in the passenger seat, no doubt siding with her sister on this.

    We get to the other location, I do my thing of not talking to the manager, disappear and walk towards a large shopping mart by the name of Meijers. I needed some veggie straws and some coke zero that night.
    So as I make my way over there, and call my mum to tell her that I was halfway a block from the store I had applied for, she comes and picks me up.
    I then say I'm thirsty, and if I could stop at the Meijers for a drink. My aunt and mum explode, going on about how we were headed home.

    But eventually we pull up at the doors of the superstore, and I get off, my temper flaring and eyes burning, as I make a comment- "This is why I didn't want you to invite anyone to tag along!" under my breath, but enough for them to hear.
    Well, it wasn't like my aunt was initially invited, and in her being there, I was 'ruining my mums plans for the day', which in fact, didn't exist, since before we left, she made it clear that she wanted to stay home.

    I get back in the car after picking up what I wanted, and, tossing the bag aside, slouch in my chair off to the side like a rag doll, my upper body laying on the back seats.
    We drive, my mum still making insulting remarks.

    I stay silent. I'm tired. I don't want to hear it anymore.

    They spot a subway, and run in to pick up a deli errand run for my cousin. I stay in the car, not mindful, at first, that the arm I used to neatly butcher along the side of my wrist is exposed. The scars are barely noted during nightfall, but at this hour, the sun is out behind gray clouds, and the marks of my stupidity are practically gleaming.

    I decide to sit up from my sprawl and walk in, wanting to remember what a Subway smelled like. I sit in the booth my mum waits at as my aunt makes an order. I ask if my mum wasn't going to get my brother anything, and they both immediately confirm, as if tired of hearing me, that my cousin was going to split the foot long and give the other half to my brother.
    Mind you, they were trying to be cheap, after my mum bought a 25$ shirt, and my aunt 20$ capris, of which they don't need.

    I defensively state I was just thinking of my brother, who said something about getting nothing last time, and how I was just looking out for him to prevent the complaint. This strikes another cord.

    '_Sil_ (cause I'm not going to share my name even now), why do you always have to talk? You're insulting you know that. People, they can't like you. You're an awful person. Every time you open your mouth, you make the day foul. Your very presence is disregarding.' She doesn't pause as I get up to grab a pamphlet not too far away. 'No one likes you because you're so offensive. You'll never get anywhere. Listen here, from today, I do my thing and you do yours. Completely separated. I want nothing to do with you.'

    I, without looking to her from the pamphlet as I pretended to observe sandwiches, simply answered with 'Obviously.'
    Mind you, I remember her comments almost as well as she said it that moment, because I've heard those words millions of times before.

    Trying to hold my ground for a moment longer, I stood silent and, without thinking much afterwards, placed the pamphlet back, and with some speed, walked towards the door and outside into the chill, headed for the road not far off an incline across the parking lot. But just as I stood there, after a moments jog to pace my feet, I sat down on the concrete along the grass, looking down towards the road. I wanted to run there, into a car, get hit. Maybe not killed, but rendered unable to move for awhile, wake in the ICU with caring nurses and doctors asking why I did it, so that I could crack a smile and laugh.
    Because it wouldn't only have been my mum's words, but the extreme self hatred I harbor.

    I sat there for only moments when I was called into the car to head back here.

    I was going to say 'home' rather than 'back here'. But I don't feel home.

    I don't feel anything. I'm tired. I think I lost this little test God placed before me, if there even is one or many. I lost, I admit defeat.

    I won't kill myself today, maybe not tomorrow. Call me melodramatic, but I'd rather look nice and go out looking good, with the sun shinning brightly, the weather not too cold or warm; going down fighting or gracefully.

    I'm sitting here in my room right now, still in the clothes I wore today, debating if I should leave. I think I'm going to go for a walk. But what I really want to do is face my mum in the living room, and shake her until she can finally understand words.

    That'll never happen.

    (thanks for reading)
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is so sad...whether your mother felt you were agitating the situation, she could have taken you aside and had an adult conversation...maybe you can try that as well so that when things explode, they are clearly on her shoulders...I know without a job you cannot get out right now, but maybe you can start taking a course online so that you feel engaged in a positive sorry this is happening to you
  3. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    Maybe your Mother is the one who should be running into traffic.