Running low

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by broke, Mar 28, 2013.

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  1. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    I am not sure I have the will to break this all down yet again. I am honestly tired of thinking about it. Bottom line is, flawed as I may be, I am essentially a good man, a good husband, a good father. I have my crappy moods and could probably be more proactive about household stuff. But I don't abuse my wife or kids, I don't cheat on her, I don't stay out all night.

    It doesn't matter though, because regardless of that, my wife really doesn't see anything at home worth her being here. She leaves as much as she possibly can. She just rides around in the car or goes to the casino. For example- today she was out from 930am to 3pm, at 9pm tonight she went out again. She said she will be back at 11pm at the latest, but I know better than that. She is not having an affair. I can verify that. She says getting out is her way of coping with her own issues. But I've had enough. This is going on about 4 years now. I can't take it anymore.

    I considered leaving her, but I am 41 years old, and have already given her and my family the only life I have to give. I can't start over again. We have 5 kids. That means no escape. What a terrible person I am for thinking of offing myself when I would be leaving 5 children behind! Really, my presence here as a person who is entirely emotionally wrecked and only getting worse ever year is far worse for my kids than my absence would be. I could not leave them and live with myself. So the only answer is to just not live with myself. I know there is a lot of bs that people say I can do. I can't. She won't do couples counseling. When I brought it up to her and told her she either wants this marriage to work or she does not, and that it takes TWO making an effort for it to work, she said "That sounds like a personal problem. I am not playing these games with you".

    Tonight, before she left, I explained very clearly the above (minus the suicide parts). She said she will think about it while out and promised to be home by 11pm. It is 1057pm now. Lol. No way shes going to be here in 3 minutes.

    I love life, basically. I love my kids. I take great joy in life. But the negative side is too much for me to deal with. She will never change. She has been in therapy and medicated before (she has some serious issues) but that always just drives her further away from us.

    The pressure is to much. This is no life. There is no way out. I am not even sad, I am desperate. It has been years of dealing with this situation. I do go through a cycle of rage-sadness, but I am not consistently sad. If we did not have kids, I would be singing a song as I booted her out the door. I would meet someone else and I would be happy. I am not going to talk about the alternative (divorce, fighting over custody etc.)....I had that all carefully planed and prepared for for about a year when she suddenly "got better", spent most of her time at home, and everything seemed cool. Then, about six months ago, after I canceled my plans and preparations, she reverted back to her old self and hasn't changed. I am done. I guess I am wishing for some magic bullet solution, some HOPE, so I am posting this. Also to get it off my chest. No one cares about or wants to hear this garbage. And I am deeply ashamed that my failure is such a typical bourgeois failure. Oh well, what will be will be.
  2. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Have you thought about going to couples councilling by yourself? It might help you to get a handle on things from an expert regarding your wife's current behaviour and maybe at least contemplate your future together. What exactly did she mean when she said "That sounds like a personal problem. I am not playing these games with you"? Do you not share personal problems?

    I wish you the best anyway.
  3. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the response. I really don't want a future with her. But she is the mother of my kids. I had tears in my eyes as she gave birth to each of them, holding her hand, welcoming them into the world. She has the deepest kind of commitment from me, but she rejects it. I can't continue to be rejected like that. I understand what she is going through, I even sympathize with her, but I also am a human with my own needs. Our needs are irreconcilable.

    What she means when she said, "That sounds like a personal problem", is what a stranger would mean if they were approached by another stranger for some money. As in, "That is your problem, not mine". When I talk to her about "us" she usually takes it as I am trying to play some head game with her. We've had SOME progress with that recently but I really think she is just trying to pacify me because she has been going out non-stop.

    Here I am alone again with a house full of kids while she is out well past when she promised to be home. I wouldn't even care if we didn't have a family together. Like, "fly little bird, be free, fly fly away". I agreed to be in this spot, she agreed to be in this spot. But I am the only one keeping the deal. That enrages me to no end. I won't yell at her when se gets home. I wont start a fight. But if I look anything other than cheerful she will give me hell and tell me I am trying to control her. My god how I want to be free of this! My line of work, I have some risky opportunities overseas, so I could just disappear from here altogether and start single in another country, but the thought of my kids would haunt me. Some people I think get a thrill out of grinding someone who is proud and strong down to a nub.
  4. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    It sounds like your walking a tight rope every day, fearful, yet feeling compelled to fall into the abyss. It sounds like you have made up your mind but need to exhaust every possibilty before you leave. See a therapist or someone who specializes with relationships and be the one who is trying to deal with things, even though she won't or can't. Do it for your kids, they need one parent who at least tries to deal with emotional problems. The fact that your not out fucking around shows your character, your there being responsible, so take some credit.
    One thing I would mention is go to a lawyer and get some information about divorce and at least have an exit plan if that unfortunate outcome manifests itself. Don't isolate yourself either, if possible.
    I don't know you but the fact that your there with your children, looking after them, shows integrity and I doff my cap to you sir.
  5. hoophula

    hoophula Active Member

    You deserve better, and asking her to go to therapy was the best thing you could do. She refuses to see she has an addiction and will be in this denial as you are her, what is the word I am looking for ? 'ENABLER' You need to stop being part of the sickness SHE has as it is not helping you. I amend you for being a good father and standing behind them, protecting them, and BEING there for them, which is SO important in today's society where kids have no parents at home, and no guidance. as both work or one is alone, etc. Try to love unconditionally, both yourself, your kids and the partner, BUT she may not deserve it any more..... hugs
  6. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much, that means a lot. I realized what I gotta do and it ain't suicide.
  7. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thanks! You are right about me being an enabler. She needs to go an do her thing, she won't be doing it on my dime anymore.
  8. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Ok, I have come to some conclusions. I can't expect anything from her at all. I am not going to leave or kick her out, I am just going to take everything over, act as if I am a single father, and make everything right with me and the kids. WE are a family and if she wants to be a part of that, I made it very clear tonight what she needs to do. I've known what I need to do for a very long time. It is one of my most basic rules of life and I think it applies to everyone and everything: DO YOUR THING the way you do it and don't ever let anyone cause you to do it differently. Life is nothing but all things constantly resisting ones self- occasionally punctuated by the rare pleasure or fleeting happiness. I fight and I hurt, so I must be alive. Death is giving up. The universe wants me to die, because it is moving towards maximum entropy and the law of conservation of energy applies to everything. I choose to not die. So I must resist the universe and (what seems to be) the psyche and self-interest of everyone I will ever meet. But that is ok!

    I got away from this rule when I got comfortable with her. That was a big mistake. Lose your edge and you are lost. Dominate or be dominated. I lost my edge, allowed myself to be dominated, and as a result a dysfunctional woman locked in the mind of a damaged teen was in charge.

    The hardest part is just not ever being able to let my guard down and relax. Makes me feel like Oisín.
  9. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    ^^^ Not so easy, not at all. I went to sleep begging for some dream to indicate if life or death would be better and had a truly weird dream that I can't figure out. I woke up incredibly angry and wanting to not be around. I think it is just a matter of disassociating my happiness from her, period. We talked before she left last night and she said a lot of what I said sounds like suicidal stuff. When she came home she sent me a text that I didn't see until this morning. It said about not talking "suicidal stuff" to her because it doesn't help. Funny but the conversation she is referring to was a difficult, gut wrenching talk where I was telling her how I felt deep down in a way that made me some what vulnerable. And what she gets out of it is that I was talking "suicide stuff". Might be cold to say, but I think if she offed herself instead..we could have a nice funeral, I could have her photos in a little shrine in the house and tell the kids always what a saint she was and how great their mother was, I would even believe it. That while I found another mate. Life would be exponentially better. Ya, that is pretty hateful but it is true.
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