I am not sure I have the will to break this all down yet again. I am honestly tired of thinking about it. Bottom line is, flawed as I may be, I am essentially a good man, a good husband, a good father. I have my crappy moods and could probably be more proactive about household stuff. But I don't abuse my wife or kids, I don't cheat on her, I don't stay out all night. It doesn't matter though, because regardless of that, my wife really doesn't see anything at home worth her being here. She leaves as much as she possibly can. She just rides around in the car or goes to the casino. For example- today she was out from 930am to 3pm, at 9pm tonight she went out again. She said she will be back at 11pm at the latest, but I know better than that. She is not having an affair. I can verify that. She says getting out is her way of coping with her own issues. But I've had enough. This is going on about 4 years now. I can't take it anymore. I considered leaving her, but I am 41 years old, and have already given her and my family the only life I have to give. I can't start over again. We have 5 kids. That means no escape. What a terrible person I am for thinking of offing myself when I would be leaving 5 children behind! Really, my presence here as a person who is entirely emotionally wrecked and only getting worse ever year is far worse for my kids than my absence would be. I could not leave them and live with myself. So the only answer is to just not live with myself. I know there is a lot of bs that people say I can do. I can't. She won't do couples counseling. When I brought it up to her and told her she either wants this marriage to work or she does not, and that it takes TWO making an effort for it to work, she said "That sounds like a personal problem. I am not playing these games with you". Tonight, before she left, I explained very clearly the above (minus the suicide parts). She said she will think about it while out and promised to be home by 11pm. It is 1057pm now. Lol. No way shes going to be here in 3 minutes. I love life, basically. I love my kids. I take great joy in life. But the negative side is too much for me to deal with. She will never change. She has been in therapy and medicated before (she has some serious issues) but that always just drives her further away from us. The pressure is to much. This is no life. There is no way out. I am not even sad, I am desperate. It has been years of dealing with this situation. I do go through a cycle of rage-sadness, but I am not consistently sad. If we did not have kids, I would be singing a song as I booted her out the door. I would meet someone else and I would be happy. I am not going to talk about the alternative (divorce, fighting over custody etc.)....I had that all carefully planed and prepared for for about a year when she suddenly "got better", spent most of her time at home, and everything seemed cool. Then, about six months ago, after I canceled my plans and preparations, she reverted back to her old self and hasn't changed. I am done. I guess I am wishing for some magic bullet solution, some HOPE, so I am posting this. Also to get it off my chest. No one cares about or wants to hear this garbage. And I am deeply ashamed that my failure is such a typical bourgeois failure. Oh well, what will be will be.