running out of options

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ih8u, Mar 4, 2008.

  1. ih8u

    ih8u Active Member

    i don't know what to do any more. it's almost 3 years since my stomach screwed up. i was 14 then. i ran after a school bus and got an upset stomach. got to the bathroom an hour or more later and got sick for a whole week. had to take antibiotics and after that my stomach has been a mess. every possible gastrointestinal discomfort, every day. doctors don't know what's wrong. alternative therapies haven't helped. the discomfort and trouble with the bowels are getting worse. school, doctors appointments, therapist... everything is a mess. also have other problems due to genetics or some other crap. feel so disgusting and useless all the time. just so sick to the stomach all the time. sluggish, lethargic, foggy. family and friends have been good. don't want to disappoint or make them sad. nauseous all the time and so bloated, gassy. stomach feels so heavy. a bit of an ocd problem too with food. have to finish one particular thing or i get really jittery. hormone problems. when period comes it hurts so fucking bad. can't take pills or they upset my stomach and give me more trouble. don't feel good enough to attend school. i dont want to keep going on like this. don't want to have to struggle to support myself and parents in future. don't want to be homeless. used to work so hard in school, had enough friends that i wouldn't have to stay at home or have nobody to talk to. don't have much now, just disgusting self and health problems. can't hurt myself. what can i do? grit my teeth through the physical and emotional pain? force my self to go and ignore the heavy discomfort in the gut and constant rectal fullness? always telling me i have to use the bathroom. usually just a lot of gas or a tiny piece of stool. i literally have that stuck feeling in my gut. so bloated and sick. and get through the day for the next half century? can't hurt myself. parents are old and are immigrants...look so disgusting too. most people in my ethnicity have straight black hair and very little hair. what do i have? afro like. dry, frizzy... people always joking why do i have african american hair? why are my eyebrows pitch black. literally. can't even pluck it enough so it doesnt look so fucking disgusting. what's with the skin condition that takes over my my arms and thighs and legs? idk. what's with the stomach problem? idk. whats with the hormone problem? idk. what's with the eating problem? idk. why am i angry all the time? idk. do people really care aside from mom and dad? idk even though i think they do. i'm scared they don't.
    -jo.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2008
  2. ih8u

    ih8u Active Member

    in the end i think i mean a lot less than i originally thought. i wonder if it hurts more to stay alive with the stomach pains and discomfort every day for the next 50 years or would it hurt more to die.