So, to make a long and complicated story short and hopefully understandable, I've massively fucked up. I have been feeling lost and hopeless for about twelve years now, and nothing has been done to help it. Now, I feel like I've only encouraged it by pulling the crap I have. Here's the thing; I'm a junior in college at a university where I am required by my program to go study abroad. Thing is, I have absolutely no desire to. I have zero want to go abroad now. It used to be my dream, but I don't even know why I'm still in this major with people I don't like studying something I'm no longer passionate about. I used to never have friends, and now that I'm here at college, not only do I have a solid group of people that I know have my back without question, but I have a huge network of friends and people I know that I don't want to give up. I have a boyfriend I love (more on that later), and am involved in student government and my sorority, but really nothing else matters. Class can't get my attention, I have trouble keeping up or even caring about assignments, and I just really don't give a shit about my education anymore. So here's the thing. My sophomore year I was planning to go abroad, but pushed it back completely because of the drama I had with my then-boyfriend. Come next semester, and my adviser refuses to agree to my classes for study abroad, making me get a minor. I told him I couldn't get it in enough time to turn everything in and he just says, "Tell them to make it quick." Five months later I'm approved, and stuck here again. So now I'm completely dejected. I don't want to do this, and I've been lying to my parents since around December that everything is going great, I'm working hard on my application, blah blah blah. I have to take a certain class to go abroad, and while I thought that started next week, giving me an entire week to get my shit together, it turns out all the different official channels online are wrong. The class starts in 7 and a half hours and I haven't done a single thing to get into it. I'm fucked. If I can't convince my adviser to sign off on my classes and then just beg with the woman in charge with study abroad programs to let me into the class all in 30 minutes in the morning, I'm absolutely fucked. I've been lying to my parents saying everything is great, but if I don't go abroad next semester I can't graduate on time. I would have to stay another year and fuck over my parents financially. This is disgustingly unfair to them, but I don't understand why I can't get my act together. This entire semester I haven't really done any of the required work, I've just been sitting around. I can't even focus on my procrastination! I honestly don't know what I'll do if I don't get this shit figured out. There's a mental hospital that I could admit myself to in a worst case scenario, but then my parents will find out and I'm terrified of what will happen. My mom was furious a year ago when it really wouldn't affect me, but now this would sincerely fuck me over and I just don't know what to do. I know that if I admit myself my relationship will be over. My boyfriend and I are really just glorified hookup buddies, which sucks because I really do love him. I just can't tell him. Our only argument has been about how I'm too emotionally invested in the relationship, and I don't believe I am. I just know that I love him, but can't tell him, and it sucks that he thinks I'm using him as "an emotional punching bag" and that it's alright for him to want to hang out with me 24/7 and just chill and what not. He tells me that he likes me a lot, and under different circumstances he could probably be more invested, but now more things are important to him and in these past twelve hours I realized how much that hurts. And I know that if I admit myself it will be the end of the relationship, which will kill me. I mean, that's not what will cause me to kill myself, but it will still hurt. He doesn't want to be involved with crazy, as he has indicated, but I don't want the relationship to end. But I don't know what I'm going to do with this study abroad thing. I honestly am terrified of what will happen if I don't get approved to go. I honestly am terrified for what I'll do. My school won't just give me a pass, they'll kick me out of the program, and the only other way I'll be able to stay and graduate on time is if I make up some bullshit self design major that won't help me at all. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm terrified and just need help. Please. I'm so scared of what I'll do.