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Running Out of Options...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by collusivedreamer, Feb 21, 2012.

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  1. collusivedreamer

    collusivedreamer New Member

    So, to make a long and complicated story short and hopefully understandable, I've massively fucked up.

    I have been feeling lost and hopeless for about twelve years now, and nothing has been done to help it. Now, I feel like I've only encouraged it by pulling the crap I have. Here's the thing; I'm a junior in college at a university where I am required by my program to go study abroad. Thing is, I have absolutely no desire to. I have zero want to go abroad now. It used to be my dream, but I don't even know why I'm still in this major with people I don't like studying something I'm no longer passionate about. I used to never have friends, and now that I'm here at college, not only do I have a solid group of people that I know have my back without question, but I have a huge network of friends and people I know that I don't want to give up. I have a boyfriend I love (more on that later), and am involved in student government and my sorority, but really nothing else matters. Class can't get my attention, I have trouble keeping up or even caring about assignments, and I just really don't give a shit about my education anymore.

    So here's the thing. My sophomore year I was planning to go abroad, but pushed it back completely because of the drama I had with my then-boyfriend. Come next semester, and my adviser refuses to agree to my classes for study abroad, making me get a minor. I told him I couldn't get it in enough time to turn everything in and he just says, "Tell them to make it quick." Five months later I'm approved, and stuck here again. So now I'm completely dejected. I don't want to do this, and I've been lying to my parents since around December that everything is going great, I'm working hard on my application, blah blah blah. I have to take a certain class to go abroad, and while I thought that started next week, giving me an entire week to get my shit together, it turns out all the different official channels online are wrong. The class starts in 7 and a half hours and I haven't done a single thing to get into it. I'm fucked. If I can't convince my adviser to sign off on my classes and then just beg with the woman in charge with study abroad programs to let me into the class all in 30 minutes in the morning, I'm absolutely fucked.

    I've been lying to my parents saying everything is great, but if I don't go abroad next semester I can't graduate on time. I would have to stay another year and fuck over my parents financially. This is disgustingly unfair to them, but I don't understand why I can't get my act together. This entire semester I haven't really done any of the required work, I've just been sitting around. I can't even focus on my procrastination! I honestly don't know what I'll do if I don't get this shit figured out. There's a mental hospital that I could admit myself to in a worst case scenario, but then my parents will find out and I'm terrified of what will happen. My mom was furious a year ago when it really wouldn't affect me, but now this would sincerely fuck me over and I just don't know what to do. I know that if I admit myself my relationship will be over.

    My boyfriend and I are really just glorified hookup buddies, which sucks because I really do love him. I just can't tell him. Our only argument has been about how I'm too emotionally invested in the relationship, and I don't believe I am. I just know that I love him, but can't tell him, and it sucks that he thinks I'm using him as "an emotional punching bag" and that it's alright for him to want to hang out with me 24/7 and just chill and what not. He tells me that he likes me a lot, and under different circumstances he could probably be more invested, but now more things are important to him and in these past twelve hours I realized how much that hurts. And I know that if I admit myself it will be the end of the relationship, which will kill me. I mean, that's not what will cause me to kill myself, but it will still hurt. He doesn't want to be involved with crazy, as he has indicated, but I don't want the relationship to end.

    But I don't know what I'm going to do with this study abroad thing. I honestly am terrified of what will happen if I don't get approved to go. I honestly am terrified for what I'll do. My school won't just give me a pass, they'll kick me out of the program, and the only other way I'll be able to stay and graduate on time is if I make up some bullshit self design major that won't help me at all. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm terrified and just need help. Please. I'm so scared of what I'll do.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...is there any way to change majors and not have to do something you are so against? It sounds awful to be forced to go abroad if this is not what you want. Can you speak to an Ombudsman in your university about this conflict? Hope you find a more productive resolution to these issues and that your boyfriend finds a way to be more intimate in different areas...welcome again
  3. collusivedreamer

    collusivedreamer New Member

    God I just sounded so fucking whiny there... but hello sadeyes. Sadly, there really isn't an option for me to change my major. The only way to do it would either cost me upwards of $11,000 or I would graduate from a completely different school with a completely different major. And I'd be fucking over my friend who I'm running for student government with.

    But I just went and sat waiting to see if my adviser arrived and he didn't. Turns out I have one last chance for a hail mary tomorrow, but after that, I'm done. I'm so sick with nerves that I just think it'd be easier to go kill myself now. I don't think there's a way around studying abroad either, I mean, I had a friend evacuated from Egypt during the Arab Spring and they still forced him to go back abroad the next semester. I doubt they'd let me get a free pass because of my depression.

    And the boyfriend is by far the least of my issues and not even involved in this. I'm just worried about what this might do to our already confusing relationship. Ugh. I just don't know anymore.
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hey there!

    Why your plate sounds even more full than mine! I think, however, that you are handling it with great effort, at least compared to me and my minor situation. I too, agree with Sadeyes, that studying some thing you've lost interest in is unfortunate: most students do change majors; some, myself included multiple times! But if that's indeed off the table, then I would suggest just doing whatever it is you need to do in order to graduate. Even if that means staying another year! I know it sounds horrible & might be financially unfair to your folks, but how would it compare to the loss of their daughter? Also, if you'd had the interest in studying abroad before, you may find that interest rekindled once you're forced to go and actually living in the situation. With respect to inpatient hospitalization--I am an advocate for it if you are feeling suicidal &/or don't have the time to wait multiple months to see a doctor due to the severity of your disease. Don't worry about how it will affect other relationships in your life; if you don't get healthy and begin to feel better you're not going to be of much use to them anyway. Also, most Universities have help available free of cost (well it's in your tuition!) including therapy & what not, so maybe seek that out as well. As for the boyfriend: if he's currently fulfilling your needs, then fine that sounds great! As long as you know what you're looking for right now. If however, you want something more or something else altogether, then you may discover one way or the other, that he is or is not what you want. For example, would you like a significant other who doesn't accept someone with depression? It is up to you! All of your troubles and concerns sound substantiated to me, given your circumstances and health condition. So, in other words, I think you're acting pretty normal, to me! Again, just be flexible and try to see the big picture here. The most important thing for you is to finish school (or change majors if you've found a new direction) so be willing to adapt and improvise, and solve the problems that are right in front of you. You can do it! Good luck!
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2012
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