running out of reasons not to die

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by patcal, Jun 20, 2010.

  1. patcal

    patcal Member

    I am depressed. Have been fighting it for 10 years. I have lost my job because of this multiple times. Now I have lost my home, my car, almost everything. I am staying with my daughter in a extra room. I have no money, insurance, or hope. The fear of hell & hurting my loved ones used to keep me from harming myself. I am starting to not believe in hell or maybe just not care. I did not ask for this screwed up life. If I kill myself out in the wilderness maybe no one will ever find me. I am not sure I want to die but I am absolutely sure I want the pain to stop.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I think most of here feel the same...want the pain to end vs. really wanting to die.
    Are you getting any support? Have you told your doctor how you feel?
    This place saved my life basically and is my main support through the hard times so now that you found us please realize great hope has entered your life.
    I am so glad you posted and please continue to do so...there is a lot of understanding people here that know the pain you're in and truly want to help.
    Can you tell us more about yourself?
    And don't feel bad about your living situation...this economy is crushing many and you will see many have had to alter their lifestyle due to finances and/or depression.
    Hope to get to know you and hear from you more, Bambi
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i think your daughter would worry and feel awful if anything would happen to her dad. I think if you could sign yourself into hospital for a few days maybe just to get stable get some newer meds that will help your depression and maybe social services set up to help you start again. i am glad you have your daughters love and i hope you can reach out now to get more help for you take care:hugtackles:
  4. patcal

    patcal Member

    My daughter would be better off without me. She has enough problems in her life. I have never been hospitalized for my depression. I was married for 26 years to a bi-polar woman so I do know a little about mental illness. I have no money or insurance for a hospital stay. Since I lost my job I am not under a doctors care. I am just taking the same meds I always have. 100mg. Sertraline & 1-3mg of Ativan a day as needed. My whole life was about raising my kids & making my marriage work for the kids. All that is not relevant now.
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I truly believe your daughter would differ on your opinion! The hospital may be a good place especially if your feeling really not safe and sounds like you may be at your edge...please consider this option..your life is important even though right now it does not FEEL like that...that is the depression sinking in on you.
    Do you have anything in life that brings you joy or that you feel passionate about? if so hold hard to that as that is something you can build your life around and something that will bring meaning to your life...remember to be gentle with yourself as so much of what you are going through is depression that can be treated...please go to a local mental health clinic they do care there I know this for a fact.
    Please hang in there your life is worth it and I am sure your daughter thinks the same...this could be the dawn of a new and beautiful chapter in your life ..don't give up hope.
  6. patcal

    patcal Member

    I do not feel passionate about anything anymore. I used to like driving but now I have no car, I used to love aviation & the hope that I might someday get a pilots license but that will not happen. I do not even have my own place to live. I am not sure I even want help. I am not trying to be dramatic. This is just how I feel.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi patcal...I'm glad you found this forum and you're reaching out for support..
    I'm sorry things are tough for you at the huge positive you have is your caring and supportive are so lucky to have her....
    please don't take her father away from will destroy her life...
    no-one is better off losing someone they love by suicide...
    i hope you'll stay and let us try and support you....
    lots of caring people here ......:hugtackles:
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Watch out a young person appears. :lol!: Sorry could not resist.

    So reading your thread I thought about my reason not to die. I think my reason is because I want to see if things can change. I want to see if I try to change if I will.. or if I will fail.

    I know things are rough. However, You have the support of your daughter now. If she did not care she would not be there. If she thought life was better off without you, she would not have taken you in. Trust me if my dad came looking for charity I would give him nothing. You have the support of someone who loves you and cares. Do not let it go to waste.
  9. patcal

    patcal Member

    I am thinking I am going to end up back in Portland soon. Maybe in a shelter. My daughter is in the process of splitting with her husband. Man! Too much drama. The kids run amok with nobody really controlling them.
  10. patcal

    patcal Member

    So if I was looking for help, what would I do since I have no insurance or money? If I go back to Portland, I have no home. I am not sure of what resources are here in hicksville central Oregon.
  11. patcal

    patcal Member

  12. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    Is there any chance of doing some voluntary work that might help you start
    making contacts, get your confidence, and encourage you to develop new interests?
    I think we all agreed that you have to think about daughter and you care about her.