• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

Running!

So so tired

Well-Known Member
#1
Hi
I am unsure if its just me but I often feel like just disappearing. Even if it's just for a short time as some breathing space.

The problem is, that this behaviour of mine has been identified and flagged to the mental health team as pre suicidal attempt behaviour.

Part of me tells me that I should be free to go places as I wish but lockdown restrictions would say otherwise.
We are not meant to travel outside our local area without good reason but I just need to get away.
I don't know where I want to go and certainly do not want to be stopped and fined by the police for breaking the rules which are now law enforceable.
These desires to run can come and go with distractions being most helpful in me staying at home.
However this time seems different, I have a few difficult days approaching ie valentines day and a wedding anniversary which are hard to get through. I should just let them pass by but it's not that simple or easy.

I feel so heaverly monitored, not particularly by professionals but friends and family too and know this action could cause a wave of concern giving my psychiatrist good reason and back up his opinion that I should restart meds when I don't want to.
I know this is irrational and not practical but I still want to go but not be reported as a high risk vulnerable missing person. I don't want to be sectioned again.
My life seems so complicated and my mind so overwhelmed by worries and things beyond my control. I just want a break.
Xx
 

Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#3
I actually thought your post was about actual running. I used to jog and walk at the park, and it felt great to get out in nature and breath the fresh air, hear the birds in the trees. I don't do that anymore. I haven't been out of the house in a month.
 
#4
@So so tired I can relate so much with this. That desire to get a break, not just from your situation, you life, your family but from yourself and your own thoughts. I also live with the desperate need to escape, just to get a break from me. Pre lockdown. I would walk on my own and sit in the local cemetery where no one would think to find me. Like you, I am watched quite carefully as well and rarely get out totally on my own. Unfortunately my method of escape has turned in to sh with the hope of making myself physically ill so I can get in to hospital. I don’t want to be in for mental health but physical health is far more acceptable.
Sounds like you are getting some support from your mental health team and psychiatrist. What distraction techniques are you trying while it is so difficult to get out of the house?
 

So so tired

Well-Known Member
#5
I actually thought your post was about actual running. I used to jog and walk at the park, and it felt great to get out in nature and breath the fresh air, hear the birds in the trees. I don't do that anymore. I haven't been out of the house in a month.
That is some time to have not gone out. *sadhug I do go to the shops but wouldn't always say that it was for essential things though! X
 

Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#6
I'd like to go out to at least get groceries. But I'm living with my elderly mother at her house and I'm her caretaker. My niece and her family are here as well, and they do all the shopping. We have a toxic home environment while they're here, a big contribution to my feeling trapped. Thank God I do buy things online for my mom and myself though.
 

Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#7
Are there any nature parks nearby, where you can go and not see people, just for an hour or two? That would help in my case tremendously. I live in a warm climate though, but maybe if it's too cold where you are even just going to a park and sitting in your car, listening to music or reading a book, and also spending some time looking at the trees and hearing the wind. I've done that before too, when I didn't want to be around people. (I'm a natural loner).
 

So so tired

Well-Known Member
#8
@So so tired I can relate so much with this. That desire to get a break, not just from your situation, you life, your family but from yourself and your own thoughts. I also live with the desperate need to escape, just to get a break from me. Pre lockdown. I would walk on my own and sit in the local cemetery where no one would think to find me. Like you, I am watched quite carefully as well and rarely get out totally on my own. Unfortunately my method of escape has turned in to sh with the hope of making myself physically ill so I can get in to hospital. I don’t want to be in for mental health but physical health is far more acceptable.
Sounds like you are getting some support from your mental health team and psychiatrist. What distraction techniques are you trying while it is so difficult to get out of the house?
Hi
It sounds all to familiar doesn't it?
I guess the problem with running is that you always take yourself with you.!
I have tried many distraction techniques and to be honest, they do work sometimes but I am finding that they are becoming increasingly ineffective.
I draw, write and am learning to play the panio. I have landscape plans for my garden and lots of work and do on my house - mainly cosmetic.
I have recently taken on to kittens who are very cute and need my attention.
I do love a bit of retail therapy, mainly online now and I do have a few close friends whom I am in regular contact. I am in the process of working towards getting my son back from care which is why I really cannot afford any more incidents of hospitalisations or negative mental health reports.
Exercise has taken on a whole new meaning and a absolute desire to control the food I eat has replaced the need to cut
I am often careful about what I say to mental health professionals as I feel frustrated with their continued involvement in my life (even though it may be deemed necessary).
I asked when I would be discharged from the psychiatrist but was told that it would not be for a considerable time.
I think a combination of factors are causing me to feel this way and I just need an escape from me. When I had a hypo (diabetic) episode the other day, part of me wishes that I just let myself drift off into some type of coma then.
I thought about running into traffic the other day as a means to temporary unconciousness.
My sleep is becoming irregular and I am trying to work out what my next move should be
X
 

So so tired

Well-Known Member
#9
I'd like to go out to at least get groceries. But I'm living with my elderly mother at her house and I'm her caretaker. My niece and her family are here as well, and they do all the shopping. We have a toxic home environment while they're here, a big contribution to my feeling trapped. Thank God I do buy things online for my mom and myself though.
Aw you sound close to your mum
I am glad you can treat yourselves with things brought online. I hope things get easier for you soon
Hugs x
 

So so tired

Well-Known Member
#10
Are there any nature parks nearby, where you can go and not see people, just for an hour or two? That would help in my case tremendously. I live in a warm climate though, but maybe if it's too cold where you are even just going to a park and sitting in your car, listening to music or reading a book, and also spending some time looking at the trees and hearing the wind. I've done that before too, when I didn't want to be around people. (I'm a natural loner).
I've always liked visiting Wales for its natural outstanding beauty but have just read that police are randomly stopping vehicles from outside Wales and sending them home with a fine.
There are a few parks close by but you know when you just fancy some place different for a change. Maybe I just need to just have a good walk and see where it takes me.
I might surprise myself.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#11
I can really relate to this. I dream about running almost every day. I dream about crossing the channel into France and just turning right and seeing where the wind takes me.

I've tried to run a couple of times but the police have an uncanny knack of tracking people down lol. For three years I even kept an "escape bag" in my car. It had a couple of changes of clothes, a map book of the UK (I'd have to ditch my phone as it can be traced), a sleeping bag, a small pop-up tent. I even had a wig so I was less likely to be recognised - stupid huh?

But gradually that need to run has mostly gone. Now it's more of a daydream.
 

So so tired

Well-Known Member
#12
I can really relate to this. I dream about running almost every day. I dream about crossing the channel into France and just turning right and seeing where the wind takes me.

I've tried to run a couple of times but the police have an uncanny knack of tracking people down lol. For three years I even kept an "escape bag" in my car. It had a couple of changes of clothes, a map book of the UK (I'd have to ditch my phone as it can be traced), a sleeping bag, a small pop-up tent. I even had a wig so I was less likely to be recognised - stupid huh?

But gradually that need to run has mostly gone. Now it's more of a daydream.
Hi
I never thought of the wig idea but also carried a travel bag in case I was sectioned whilst missing and was found.
This preparation was helpful last time the police picked me up and I agreed with them to the fact that I was the most organised suicidal person they had met!
When I upgraded my phone, I've kept the old one as a pay as you go sim so the number is not recognised as being mine.
Police have traced me by my phone in the past. I hope my desire to run goes with time as it would really not be helpful atm in the case of getting my son back. They would class the behaviour as too impulsive.
Hugs x
 
#13
Hi, @So so tired The similarities just keep going. It sounds like you have lots of things in your life which are designed to make it better, the piano, drawing, the kittens and the garden, I do similar things, doing a cross stitch, joined a band (although this is not on at the moment due to covid), things where are designed to be purely for me and for my pleasure. Sometimes I feel able to do them and others not so much.
But I find my the desire to escape is constant yet totally illogical. It comes from pure emotion and is constantly looking for opportunities to be able to do it. Any time when I know I will be on my own is an opportunity to run. Leave my phone at home, take cash and disappear. My dr asked me where I would go when I sat in his consulting room wishing I was gone. I couldn’t answer him. It seems a little too easy for police to find you. I had one time when they were trying to track me down but I had my phone on me and he was asking me questions like what could I see around me and what type of car I had. All to be able to find my location. One of my biggest regrets is that I caved and told him where I was. I often fantasise and wonder what would have happened if I’d put the phone down and walked away.
I try to stay logical in an attempt to override the often all too overwhelming desire to disappear. Keeping my logical brain engaged isn't always easy but when I can it does help.
I really hope that one day you will be better enough to have your son back home.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#14
Try not to do that, though, @Holding my breath -- (getting yourself hospitalized for the physical, in an intentional sort of manner. . . Or by those means-)_ As, I'm sure you're aware -even though you may not care- things don't always go as, "planned~" & then once you're in there // the Hospital; or 'inpatient.' You may feel differently about it: if it does not go well, or there are long-term ramifications, or complications; that will affect your quality of Life going forward. :)
 
#15
I know @MisterBGone That’s the logical thinking and what stops me from doing it sometimes but not always. Unfortunately the emotional side takes over and I just don’t care. I just need to hurt the hurt if that makes sense. One change is that I am starting to feel guilt afterwards. Never used to but I do occasionally now, knowing that each time I’m causing long term damage and the impact that would have on my family if I was permanently ill because of what I’ve done. I also have an amazing accountability partner who I love so much for putting up with me and sticking by me no matter what. I want to say I’ll get there but I’m not ready to say that yet.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#16
I know @MisterBGone That’s the logical thinking and what stops me from doing it sometimes but not always. Unfortunately the emotional side takes over and I just don’t care. I just need to hurt the hurt if that makes sense. One change is that I am starting to feel guilt afterwards. Never used to but I do occasionally now, knowing that each time I’m causing long term damage and the impact that would have on my family if I was permanently ill because of what I’ve done. I also have an amazing accountability partner who I love so much for putting up with me and sticking by me no matter what. I want to say I’ll get there but I’m not ready to say that yet.
Yes, and see? This is exactly what I was talking about--or being worried of/&, for (in terms of the-long term permanent damage~!). But, I'm glad to hear that you have an accountability partner. I have not heard of one of those, but is it like a sober-companion (or whatever they're called) - in things like AA? If so, or not, have you been able to communicate this most recent behavior pattern, and negative coping mechanism with them?

Hopefully, they can provide some means of positive support & feedback for you. But I know, as you say, it is the destructive component, or aspect of all this that is so hard to contend, or deal with. It's like you say, from a rational point of view, it is easy to render one verdict. But then emotion gets interjected into the mix, and when at our lowest, that stuff sort of all goes out the window. I'm not honestly sure, what is the best course of action, or treatment (or whether or not any have been suggested to you by your current health professionals...)? But this new element, of 'guilt,' that is now accompanying the behavior, or the action, after the fact. While I am certainly no expert, this "worries-me," from a psychological perspective, or point of view. Simply in that it could (not saying necessarily will, or would) lead to a bit of an, or a "self-fulfilling prophecy." If that makes sense.

So, similar maybe to someone who struggles with food. Sometimes the guilt feeds in & then in a strange or weird way, actually ends up reinforcing the behavior. Obviously, not ideal, and hopefully that doesn't end up being the path or case that you end up following. So, whatever you can do to try & get yourself out in front of it--& try to handle, or manage it (as best you can), then I think that - that may be best. But I really don't know, from a being able to guarantee results, or oriented standpoint. Other than to say, I (simply) wish you well... & the best -- going forward!
 
Last edited:

Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#17
I even had a wig so I was less likely to be recognised - stupid huh?
I don't think it's stupid. I have a couple of wigs for when I was transitioning my hair from one color to another. And a long time ago, I bought my first one so I could spy on my ex husband (when we were still married) to prove to myself that he was cheating on me. (I found clues but I needed to know for sure, so I could close that door both emotionally and physically.) I value my freedom extremely high and I rarely mention that I'm depressed or having suicidal ideation to anyone that I know. I did tell my oldest sister and had to hear the usual stuff, but in truth I'm too much of a coward about how it could go wrong and I'd end up seriously maimed or unable to have autonomy (freedom) and end up in a care home or something nightmarish like that.
 

Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#18
This preparation was helpful last time the police picked me up and I agreed with them to the fact that I was the most organised suicidal person they had met!
This made me laugh, haha. I could just imagine that scenario.

You sound like you are a very creative person. If you have time, you could maybe write out your fantasies into a story, even embellish them with humor and unlikely or magical elements to get you through the need to escape. I've been thinking about doing this myself. Or we could even start a thread on here and whoever wants to add to the story, can. I've seen that done on other forums and on FB. It's funny to see what people come up with.
 

So so tired

Well-Known Member
#19
This made me laugh, haha. I could just imagine that scenario.

You sound like you are a very creative person. If you have time, you could maybe write out your fantasies into a story, even embellish them with humor and unlikely or magical elements to get you through the need to escape. I've been thinking about doing this myself. Or we could even start a thread on here and whoever wants to add to the story, can. I've seen that done on other forums and on FB. It's funny to see what people come up with.
Sounds like a good idea. *hug
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$255.00
Goal
$255.00
Top