s burned out

[wednesday]

I am so burned out on everything.

I wish I would just not wake up. I've prayed that I would die in my sleep until I just feel like i'm talking to myself. I probably won't kill myself or anything. I'm too much of a chicken. Although i did halfway try once. I drank a bunch of beer and took some sleeping pills. lame I guess. I hallucinated and saw bugs, my voice got messed up and I was pretty whacked out, but I was okay in the morning. So dumb, but I'm certainly not going to jump off of a building! I guess I'm always on the verge of feeling down. I am happy sometimes but it's like it's not real because another disappointment just puts me right back where i started in a terrible funk- hating life. And it's frustrating as heck to want to die but being afraid to take your own life. I feel trapped.

I don't want attention. I just want to disappear. I don't want to take drugs to feel better. I guess talking to someone might help. i'm alone way too much. I do have a wonderful husband who loves me so I'm thankful for that, but he is the only friend I have and I feel guilty for putting that pressure on him. I never go out with girlfriends, i work alone. I'm bored and incredibly disappointed with the world.

I know that my problems are small compared to some so please don't be mean if you respond. i'm not trying to act like I have the biggest problems in the world, I could just use a little support right now.

I hate my life and I want to run away. Thanks for listening. I've calmed down quite a bit just typing this so you've helped already. Thank you.

 

[wednesday]

I guess I'll try to sleep now. I should have been asleep hours ago, but my mind is racing. I feel sick.

 

[wednesday]

I guess I was sort of expecting one person to pat me on the back and say It'll be okay. Did I say something wrong? I can't even get any frickin' acceptance on a suicide board. I suck.

 

[BornFree]

Hugs... Hon!

Its awful feeling the way you do, can you say a bit more of why you're feeling like this at the moment? I too have a husband and children and have never felt so alone. I don't have girlfriends to go out with...
So I know how painful it can be not having a good support network.

Hey you're here and I hope you soon find the support you need, I know I may not be here if it weren't for SF and the wonderful caring people you'll find here. You deserve better. Are you seeing anyone about the way you're feeling? Maybe the right anti depressant would help?

Its funny April seems like a really tough time for so many, so please don't feel its you, I think alot of the wonderful caring, encouragers here are struggling themselves at the moment.

Please Keep posting it really helps to VENT and get it all out and if you want to talk you can P.M. me anytime.

Take care
Hugs
Ditsy x

 

[Mr Stewart]

Hi wednesday. Sorry it took a while for replies to roll in. Sorry you're having a hard time, and I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Especially this:

I guess I'm always on the verge of feeling down. I am happy sometimes but it's like it's not real because another disappointment just puts me right back where i started in a terrible funk- hating life. And it's frustrating as heck to want to die but being afraid to take your own life. I feel trapped.

That feeling like you can't properly enjoy the rare periods of happiness because in the back of your mind you know it will be short lived. The clouds will come back out and misery will set in once again. You see it as an inevitability. One you are powerless to avoid given a part of you still feels obligated to live, thus the trapped feeling.

Talking to someone can help. People here seem to be relatively positive towards therapy so I figure it's worth giving that a shot. I really ought to follow my own advice in that regard as well. Trying to work up the courage and overcome a lifetime of telling myself I can deal with my own problems and I don't need any help...

 

[wednesday]

Thank you guys for your encouragement. I slept for a couple of hours and don't feel better but now I have to get up and go to work.

My problem is that I'm just so disappointed in people. Every time I see more corruption, lying, stealing and judgement I just want to die. I had a legal meeting yesterday that was prejudged before I even gave them the facts, the board ignored me, were rude to me, and totally made a decision based on their bias for the other person and not the law - because the person DID break the law. I'm so burned out on corruption like that. They've allowed a neighbor to continue breaking the law because they like him and not me. That's not right.

How come nobody ever is on my side?

Anyway = I teeter on the edge. My mother preferred my sister and that hurt. When my parents died my sister stole my inheritance and said she didn't want to be my sister anymore, I haven't talked to her for 13 years. My family blamed me for some reason so I never see them either. They never bothered to hear my side of the story.

I got married and divorced very young. My ex got drunk and beat me up all the time. My son grew up without a father and now he's an angry person and can't get anywhere in life. I'm so disturbed by his angry facebook updates every day. It's heartbreaking. He married a girl who hated me so that came between us. They're divorced. I hate to see him making the same mistakes I did.

I don't deserve for any of these people to dislike me. I bent over backwards to help my sister and my son and daughter in law. My sister hated me because she didn't like me in the picture at all. It wasn't enough that she got all of the attention growing up - she didn't want me there at all - so she tells lies about me to make people hate me. My daughter in law just didn't want to share my son's attention so she tried to turn him against me. I'm just sosick of people's lying, greed and corruption.

And people would rather form their own opinions and just hate you than to come to you and find out your side of the story. I feel that pressure every day. It's like i'm constantly trying to fight against something that I can't see. For some reason people hate me so I have to be super nice to prove them wrong. And i have to bend over backwards and take everyone's crap with a smile or else they won't like me. I just can't take it. Nobody likes me anyway.

It's just been an exhausting life.

My job is stressful. I've been laid off a lot so I started my own business. I don't make much money but I get by alright. The hours are incredibly long. I'm exhausted and alone all day and part of the night. I'm jealous of people who have a life.

Nothing is easy. I just can't stand the constant struggle of this social game. Everybody is a faker or a liar and they just talk to you to use you for something. I've seen so much of that that I'm suspicious of every person who talks to me. That's no way to live. I'm just disappointed in people. i know I shouldn't let other people determine my happiness. How can I not. They are always trying to bring me down and that hurts my feelings. They lie about me, steal from me. Ugh. What's wrong with me?

I sort of hate the thought of taking anti-depressants. And every time I try to talk to someone I feel like my problems are insignificant and I just get blown off. That's been true all my life. Every time I ask a doctor about a medical issue I don't get heard and get blown off. I had one doctor blow me off about sore throat complaints and several months later it was found that I'd had an infection all that time - he didn't do his job. He didn't listen, but he still charged me 300 bucks. I went to one therapist who totally misjudged me. She blamed me for everything and told me that I just hated women. What kind of crap is that? Just because my sister hates me, my mother preferred my sister and my ex's wife didn't like me then I must hate women and it's all my fault. I got her bill too! - and I don't hate women!


I guess my problems are insignificant to some. It's true that I wasn't raped or abused physically as a child, and my heart goes out to those who were, but I still have pain inside. I've been misunderstood my whole life. I am just exhausted fighting it. I can't be nice enough or good enough or worthy. i'll always be unworthy.

I'm still disappointed that I woke up this morning.

 

[wednesday]

Does it usually make people feel LESS like dying when they tell their story and 40 people read it but don't really care. I don't get it.

Maybe the people who have read are having their own problems and my story comforts them a bit. I can hope for that I guess.

But I feel lonlier than ever.

 

[MoAnamCara]

Wednesday -

I am sorry you are feeling worse... and more lonely. I understand, though, as sometimes if I post and get no responses it can make me feel like really no one cares.

But a lot of people do. As you suggested, you telling and sharing yourself with others may help them.

Your issues aren't insignificant at all. We all have different issues and we all handle things differently. One day something can seem small while the next day the same issue has seem insurmountable.

I would suggest trying to find a new therapist, your old one was definitely in the wrong. Also Anti-D's do help, if you can find the correct one for you.

Take care.

 

[wednesday]

I feel like crying right now. I'm so relieved that someone took the time. Thank you for your kind advice.

 

[doityourself]

My heart hurts for you, I to am having a hard day and just wanted to let you know if you ever want to talk, my PM box and ears are always open. Im one of those 40 people your talking about, just didnt have anything to add that would help.

I to have a loving H and 2 great kids, but sometimes it just doesnt seem like enough that Im missing something in me but

Its not that Im missing something its that I have an added something, bipolar and depression, thats who and what I am.

Hope tomorrow is better than today. Hugs.

 

[wednesday]

I"m sorry that you're having a bad day doityourself. Thank you so much for talking to me. That means alot. Really!

Maybe I"m just overreacting. maybe i'm just being a big whiny jerk. Is it possible that there is really something wrong with me? It's hard to believe.

I can't deal with another therapist. I've only met a rare few people in my life who would listen at all. I can't bear to tell my story to someone who treats me like I'm just being stupid and trying to get drugs. And I know that's what will happen. I don't even want drugs. I can't bear for another person to tell me I'm wrong and that'll be $150.00. I"m so darn burned out on getting shafted.

Maybe I"ll feel better tomorrow. I hope you will be feeling better too! thanks again.

 

[doityourself]

maybe you could give us a try instead, its free so doesnt hurt anything. Dont think your being whinny, you have the right to feel anything you want.

It is hard sometimes, the constant battles wears us out, but we have to come up with a way to refresh ourselves, and its differant for everyone, you just have to find yours.

And dont let me make you feel bad, when I say something is wrong with me (the bipolar and depression) its not a bad thing, its just that Im tired of fighting and deny that its not there and want to fight the disease itself. Hope that made sense.

Your not alone in your thoughts, alot of us here feel the same exact way.

 

[Brent1969]

Hi Wednesday,
I'm sorry for the way you are feeling and I hope that today is a better day for you.

I'm brand new to this forum and yours was the first post I read. I just wanted you to know I read it and am thinking about you.

B

 

[wednesday]

Yes, the constant battles.....so hard. I just can't take it. I don't really see any time to be refreshed. Everything just keeps piling up, I can't get done everything I should and just get burried deeper. I really need to just leave. I want to run away! but I cant....

If there were something wrong with me that could be releived with meds or therepy, I'd probably never get diagnosed. I'm telling you that no one will help me. Doctors do not listen to me. I guess I seem too normal on the outside so they think I'm okay on the inside when I'm actually about to frickin snap off!

I just wish that god or the aliens or whoever is in charge would just show us a little justice down here and frickin smite the crap out of bad people who intentionally do harm to others! Those people really make me tired of living.

I'm so dissappointed today. ...sorry

 

[wednesday]

Brent - thank you so much. I'm new too. I just signed up late last night. I hope you are feeling better about whatever brought you here. I really appreciate your thoughtful reply.

 

[doityourself]

Yes, the constant battles.....so hard. I just can't take it. I don't really see any time to be refreshed. Everything just keeps piling up, I can't get done everything I should and just get burried deeper. I really need to just leave. I want to run away! but I cant....

If there were something wrong with me that could be releived with meds or therepy, I'd probably never get diagnosed. I'm telling you that no one will help me. Doctors do not listen to me. I guess I seem too normal on the outside so they think I'm okay on the inside when I'm actually about to frickin snap off!

I just wish that god or the aliens or whoever is in charge would just show us a little justice down here and frickin smite the crap out of bad people who intentionally do harm to others! Those people really make me tired of living.

I'm so dissappointed today. ...sorry

Its def hard when the issues keep piling up and creates a mountain so you cant see anyway out of it, other than just offing youself cause thats what your mind is telling you that will make things better. You say you want to run away, Oh how I wish that alot to, but I cant seem to be okay with defeat. Ive ran from so much in life that Im just tired of running and now trying to face it forward with my dukes up.

I know what you mean about others hurting others, I came from the best of those people and to be honest, they just dont get what they do to others, it doesnt even register in thier minds that they have the power to hurt, they are just thinking of themselves and what would make them feel better, so dont give them a minutes satisfaction of your hate, they dont deserve any of your emotions.

 

[wednesday]

I've always had to fight. I'm tired of fighting.

 

[jordan.]

I can relate easily to everything you've said. The world is like that, though-- like high school, only, on a larger scale. Unfortunately, it's something you just have to deal with. No one person can fix all of the corruption in this world...

Of course, I don't mean it that way. "Life sucks, deal with it." I don't mean it like that at all. I mean, you have to find little things to make it better. Buy some amazing new clothes, tell yourself that you look great. Accomplish some little insignificant goal you've been putting off; you'll feel amazing about yourself.

Take life one day at a time, one hour at a time, one decision at a time. Make the best of it you can.

 

[dazzle11215]

it will always take a while for responses to roll in. that's just a small reality check so that you don't keep getting disappointed. we're all in different time zones and not always online so be patient and i think you will feel less hurt. plus there are way more lurkers than posters, so the ratio of people looking at your thread versus responders will always be out of whack. i don't want you to think that it's something about you, your problems, or how you express yourself. it's just the natural pace of things on the forum. please be patient. if you are in crisis and need an immediate response you can always try the chat room. sometimes it can be triggering, though, so be careful. and the ages of people in there can be on the younger side, although not exclusively.

about anti depressants, a good anti depressant will simply even you out a bit and give you a little more hope. it won't fix everything, but it will make it easier. it can help take away the suicidal feelings. then comes the hard work. for that a professional therapist is always good. sounds like you've had some bad therapists, and i can sympathize there. i had one guy tell me that suicide was, and i quote, an abomination. that was the end of our relationship.

keep looking until you find someone you click with. don't settle, after all it's your life on the line.

as for doctors, can you print out part of this thread, or rewrite it in terms of a letter and give it to your doctor to read. especially the part about not being heard. have him/her read it and then say you'll answer any questions. that's the way many people on this board have approached their doctors. by writing it down. that way you don't have to worry about freezing up, or forgetting to say the important stuff. it gives you all the time you need to get the things you need to say down. are you in a small town or a big city? can you ask around your friends or acquaintances to find a personal recommendation for getting a new doctor, someone who is more of a listener? personally i've found younger doctors to be better because they've had more training on mental health issues, but i guess that's open for debate.

welcome to SF

 

[peacelovingguy]

Hey Wednesday, hello from England. People ALWAYS get a response on this forum but as said it might take a bit of time as people are waking up whilst others are maybe up in the early hours elsewhere.

You say you are reluctant to take anti depression meds - so was I and only took them after weighing up whether I might be a better person on them. I've used drugs in the past just for recreation, so know the power some can have on the mind. As for anti depression drugs, they seem to work in a very mild manner of some recreational drugs. The SSRI's do employ a biological 'trick' employed by E amongst other 'feel good' drugs which really do seem to make people feel good.

An SSRI does take weeks to build up serotonin levels to the point were the negativity can ease off and not be that persistent chorus we wake up to and go to sleep to. More like the Hell-For-You-Yeh chorus than the Hallelujah chorus

People drink alcohol without even thinking it is a drug that alters the mood. Drink enough it will affect coordination and drink enough of it and it will kill you stone dead.

Go out on a Friday Night and you'll see a menu of drugs consumed. Go into work on a Monday or stroll down the shops to do the shopping and you will meet people on all manner of drugs. Not unusual for people to have half a dozen drugs prescribed, especially when older.

Point is, many people use drugs for a variety of reasons. It is normal to do this.

So why be hesitant on using anti depressants?

You do know that depression can just happen - it might not need a reason and I guess many who have this sort of depression are wasting time trying to connect it with something. Or we will it 'cover it up' and maybe kid ourselves the world is so unjust and corrupt that its normal' to feel bad, even suicidal.

I don't know if your depression has a real root cause or if its just there regardless of your life experience. Either way, if you have tried therapy and not meds then I'd maybe think of trying some meds and then maybe seeing how you feel in a few weeks. Maybe you will think a little bit clearer and become less concerned about those things we cannot change no matter how we worry or campaign or fight about.

We can win the little battles in life, the biggest little battle of course comes when we look into a mirror one day and realise that our own worse enemy is our own self. Or part of that self - the passenger of depression which does drag us down and drag us back.

Getting rid of it or even getting it to remain in the background does change lives.

Many people out there find medication cuts through the process of counselling and that the actual brain chemistry, when altered in some people, leads to a new lease of life and a chance to enjoy life. It can be as 'simple' as that.

You will never know if you never try. and bear in mind - a lot of the advice online about medication is from people who have side effects. Its like walking into an AA meeting and trying to find some positive about going out at the weekend and drinking maybe 3 or 4 pints.

If you do go down the meds route - stick with us here as people will be using the same meds and will have pointers on what to do there.

As for your son, it would be better for him if you could cope more with life in general. That said its not your fault he got divorced. Hopefully he has some work and if not that he gets some soon. You must be sad he broke up. Was this woman a calming effect on him or did she just wind him up even more? Sometimes you want the wind in your sails and end up on the rocks.

I get tired of fighting sometimes - so I make time in which any conflict with the world or myself or others is void. Everyone should have some safety net, a hobby, some passion that might keep you interested. We all need to just potter about the garden shed sometimes, sit back and watch the plants grow. Enjoy what beauty there is in this world.

Sometimes we fight the wrong things and with family we often have the fall outs. It is a shame your sister has chosen to be mean but you maybe ought to have contacted a lawyer as usually if any property is left it should be shared amongst siblings unless it is stipulated otherwise. That's a kind of golden rule and I don't know why your sis chose to be mean. If she moved in - that's just as bad as you should consult others.

As for being cynical about people - in some ways we have to be otherwise we'd part with out money and time for any hard luck tale or advertising slickness.

But being so cynical that you dismiss almost every action as some self serving plot - or see every man as a cad of the worse ilk, is wrong. Our view of ourselves shapes how we see others, but cynicism to the extreme can just be depression wearing yet another different cap. It can isolate you from good people who won't meet you as you were too cynical to think you might enjoy whatever is happening.

Be a friend to yourself and try some medication. If all else has failed - what's to lose? You can always stop em if you get bad side effects or sail through the storm and hope they fade (as they usually always do) if they do not work try another and at least you will know that you are doing something to help yourself maybe live a life which has some joy in it for you.

My best wishes and prayers.