Sabotaging my life due to committing suicide "someday"

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheBLA, May 14, 2012.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I have thought about suicide since I was 18, almost seven years now. I thought about it just as I started college and joined this forum. But so far, I have never attempted at all. You can say that's a good thing, but I feel embarassed by it! I feel that I am all talk and no substance. I believe the main case is because I've always lived with my parents and little brother. They are there as my crutch, as my life support. They have kept me company when otherwise, I'd pretty much be completely alone. I also wouldn't feel comfortable to attempt suicide with them so close to me. I'd rather do it if I was located far away from them and/or they hated me and wouldn't care if I died. I am betting as soon as I move out and am truly alone in some tiny apartment, then I may finally attempt and pray for it to be successful and quick and painless as possible. :(

    Anyways, I have absolutely, without a doubt, ruined my life over my addiction to videogames, computers and whatnot. But aside from that, I have also further ruined my life because of the thought that I will commit suicide someday.

    I will not want to do anything to further enhance my life, because I see no point in it if I'll be dead in the "near future". For instance, I never bothered to make friends, have fun, join clubs in college. I thought for sure I was going to kill myself within the first semester. But look at me, I've only kept delaying and delaying and delaying it. I keep missing out on more and more chances and opportunities and experiences that everyone else has gone through and won't and cannot get back as I keep getting older and older.

    My dad recently got me life insurance, and I had told him no, since I will be committing suicide anyways, what's the point? But what happens if I never commit suicide and I regret not having gotten it earlier when I could have locked in a lower rate? What if I never kill myself and I do regret never having had fun in college, supposed to have been the "best years of my life"?

    I am overweight and have high triglycerides. I don't see the point in working to lose weight and get them to a healthy weight if I'm just going to blow a hole in my head. What if I never do and I then regret all the health problems that will insue provided I am still alive?

    A few years ago, I had lost a frontal tooth due to botched dental surgery. I am visting a dentist tomorrow to get a quote on a crown to replace that very unsightly gap. It will cost me several thousand dollars. I think again, what's the point if I'm just going to kill myself someday?

    Why should I waste my time furthering my education and career and being ambitious to rise above a $35,000+ salary if I'll be dead and not able to enjoy the extra money?

    What's the point of getting a girlfriend or wife if I'll only leave her via suicide and just hurt her immensely as a result? And then I will regret never having found someone if I'm still here and kicking!

    etc etc etc.

    Suicide is a way for some of us to cope and even feel bette at times. We may think of it as a magic solution to just get out of our sticky situation, whenever the hell we want to, instead of being stuck and suffering until we die otherwise. I feel that if the option of suicide was forever taken away from me, I'd feel really screwed. I've be forced to live with all the mistakes and missed chances I have incured because I thought I'll just live a very bare-bones and empty life because I'll be ending it anyways. Why invest and work on getting friends, a girlfriend, a better job, better education, better health and body shape, etc?

    Has anyone else been in this situation? I'm sure at least someone has and if anyone can chime in at all. Thanks! :)
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2012
  2. Prox

    Prox Active Member

    I think that my nihilistic streak will get me to commit suicide by the time I'm thirty, though this is only an informed hypothesis, for now.

    There are times when I feel like doing it sooner, but realizing that there's still quite some time left does a lot to render my thoughts ineffectual. Instead I try to make the best of the now, regardless of the tragedies possible in the future.

    Suicide needs no preparation. A backup plan, however, requires as much as possible.
  3. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I've thought about it since 6th grade, around when I was around 13, i'm 17 now and I've never attempted. I used to be embarrassed by it too but now I'm just like 'fuck it, might as well make the most of this.' It used to be a comfort, knowing that there was a way out, but it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and I only have fleeting thoughts about it now.
  4. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    you are still young. you life hasn't been completely ruined. there are lots of opportunities out there.
    what if in the end, you don't have the guts to do it? or magically your worldview is dramatically changed? or life situations happen to be completely different.
    you gotta be prepared. just in case.
    suicide is plan A.
    and you also need plan B.
  5. Issaccs

    Issaccs Well-Known Member

    I understand completely, I've come to see my suicidal thoughts as a crutch and even realised what a relief it can be. It frightens me sometimes that it no longer depresses but comforts me, however, I now find myself thinking "What if I don't" and the idea of never going through with it and still never having done anything to better myself scares me more, the fact that I could grow into old age but that I could have to go through it having not made a better go of what I had.
    I hope you can figure out what you need to do to drive yourself more and who knows, maybe that'll be all you need.
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