Sad, Angry, Pissed and Lost. . .

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by HollowRhythms, Feb 24, 2012.

  1. HollowRhythms

    HollowRhythms Well-Known Member

    k. so i have a large family. 2 parents, 3 older brothers and a twin sister. 2 of my brothers live like 16 hour drive away, and i dont have anything to do with one of them. .

    In the city i live in is my parents, one brother (with a wife and my only nephew or neice)

    Today. . . My brother left with his little family to move 7 hour drive away. . . To be closer to my sister-in-laws family. This brother I'm closest with. We speak often. . . We've always been close. Ten years ago, when I was 18 he asked me to promise i wouldn't try and kill myself anymore, (i'd been in the hospital twice in a few months) he wasn't the first person to ask me, but i couldn't say no to him. . I don't want to die cuz he's leaving, i've wanted to again for a while now.

    Yesterday, my Dad got real bad news from his cardiologist. . .

    He's had three major heart attacks, his first being on our eighth birthday. . For a while now we've known he couldn't survive another one. . . Found out yesterday that half of his heart is getting weak, either from a blockage, or just getting weaker from wearin' out. . . He's also been complaining of chest pains. He knows when he has to go to the hospital, but it's just so sad. He doesn't take care of himself well, he smoke most of his life just quitting last year, but he's put on weight since he quit smoking... He doesn't take care of himself. . doesn't exercise, doesn't eat well. . . It feels like he just wants it to be over to tell you the truth. . . I know how that feels so it makes me sad he's going thru it alone.

    Three years ago, my back that'd always given me problems, i was diagnosed with multiple different disc degenerative diseases. I can't cook, or clean. I can't walk very far, nevermind running, I'm not allowed to sweep or vaccuum. I feel real useless a lot of the time. It's hard not to when you can't do much.

    So I sit here day after day, my back getting worse, life's getting worse and it's fucking hard to see the bright side of things, when all you have is shit in your life. . .

    Thanks for listening or reading my shit. . . Hope you have a good day.

  2. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    :hug: I'm sorry you are going trough this, I knwo it can be difficult, but try to find something small to hold onto, it could be anything insignificant, but just hold onto it. Each day try to find something to keep you busy, take up a hobby, Knitting, sewing, embroidering, Just to keep you distracted from the pain you are in.

    I know I cant offer much more than that :hug: but I helps in a small way.
  3. HollowRhythms

    HollowRhythms Well-Known Member

    Thank you :hug: my hands are messed up, can't really do any of those things.. . .I apprecaite the response tho, i just needed to get it out. Your thoughts are more than enough to offer me. I thank you for taking the time... Part of the reason I spend so much time on here is to keep me busy. Keeps my mind off things. . . Thanks again :hug:
  4. Pasta08

    Pasta08 Banned Member

    Awwwwws i am so sorry amanda i am here for you and i care about you *Hug i just really hope you don't do anything stupid i am here for ya hun :)
  5. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Hey Amanda.

    I can't do much either, because of my disabilities. My parents won't let me. So I am stuck here with doing the dishes, and making sure they are done, and in the dishwasher, and other little bits to keep me busy.

    But I am here the vast majority of the time too. I really should start reading, and try not to spend so much time on the computer. I need to let my imagination run wild, at least for a little while. But I am mostly on the computer for the vast majority of time, so I know how it goes.

    I hope you have a good day. :hug: Talk to you in chat!

  6. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Sounds like everything is happening all at once, sorry that your dad is sick . I hope you will still be able to talk to your brother. hang in there Amanda,
  7. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Where is your twin sister?
  8. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    dear amanda, sorry it is like it is now for you.. very darn tough often i am sure.. an upbeat tune, a light and good tv show.. anything to just put your mind in a better place for the moment.. does brohter that is moving away have computer and the net??? if yes then maybe the two of you can talk that way.. you are good people amanda.. you are loved on here by many and we are here for you.. take care, Jim
  9. HollowRhythms

    HollowRhythms Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the kind words. . . We do plan on skyping and stuff, it's just not the same. . He's lived there for a couple years in the past, so i know what to expect. . . It's more bout my nephew not being around. He's the only source of happiness in our entire family. My mother has been calling my sister crying about them leaving already asking if she'll be spending more time with them. . . . They wouldn't dream of asking me.

    My sister lives here. We used to be real close. But since "she's found herself" in the last year or two, she's becoming someone I really can't stand. She's pretty selfish, if she's not gaining something by doing it, she won't even offer.. . I guess that's why I'm upset. The only people i really respect in my family are two of my brothers and my dad. . . They're both gone now, all i got is my pops, and even that's fragile. . it's just hard. I'm happy he's retired, probably be spending a lot more time with him during the days without my mom and my sister around. . Ya, I have a big family, but it's surprising to me my parents are even in my life, we'll just say I have a 'dysfunctional family' I respect my dad, because he wasn't around much working two jobs at some points. . My mother was always hom, and everything that happened, pretty much everytime she was at home. it's taken a lot of work to even be able to have a normal conversation without getting mad at her.

    I guess the reason I'm upset is because when my brother got married, and had his kid, i told him and his wife that they were my new family, i didn't need or want the one i had. . .

    Thanks again everyone :hug: Take care of yourselves.