Sad individual joining the ranks.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Baka, Jul 19, 2012.

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  1. Baka

    Baka Well-Known Member

    Not sure if this will be posted by the message about newbies having to wait for approval, it goes through good, if not....

    Age:46
    G: Male
    Lives: NY
    Married: Never
    Work: None at the present time

    Not sure what brought me here, to be honest think I'm truly far beyond any kind of help and I take the blame for that 100%. Been out of work for nearly two years as I quit by job of 14 years back in August 2010 and haven't really looked for anything that hard, just some half hearted attempts. Before I quit was on a long downward spiral in my life, had been in and out of therapy for 6 years and took so many kinds of medication but nothing really was effective, no matter how hard I tried to get better and I really did work at it but my life just kept getting so much worse as far as my depression, anxieties, ocd's and other problems went.

    So been sitting at home for 2 years watching my life just fade away to nothing and haven't really cared, nothing has motivated me to do anything, good or bad, now I've really just given up though there's nothing left to give up. Truly think that my actions from the last few years were part of a 'plan' in a way, to make my life so bad and to reach the point where the only option left is to end it all, well that's where I am now and unsure whether to feel good or bad about it. When I say options there aren't any left, my $$ supply is just about dried up, no family or friends to turn to, there just really is not one thing anymore to keep me going, even when things were supposedly going well still had the same thoughts I do now.

    Sorry for making this a bit long or disjointed, have a hard time concentrating and keeping my train of thought, such a muddled mind. Like I said not sure why I joined, have visited here in the past so why join now I'm not sure why as it's really too late to save me, just have sabotaged my life so much think I'm at the point of no return.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am glad you shared this with us...I think that the support and caring of others provides us a scaffold to rethink the possibilities...you said you were almost out of money, have you sought assistance? Since you are in NY, there are several good options...also, if you live near a City or State hospital, care can be bought on a very sliding to almost free ($5) scale...I live in NY City and am very familiar with the services here, so if I can be of any help please PM me...thank you for sharing, and I am sure there are many members who can relate to how you are feeling...please keep in touch
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Baka. Just wanted to welcome you and thank you for sharing your story. Sounds like depression did a sneak attack on you - I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. As Sadeyes noted, there are often other resources for help. If you have a local crisis/distress line, I would bet they can direct to free or inexpensive therapists and such. Anyway, glad you joined and am looking forward to hearing more from you. Be safe. :smile:
     
  4. Baka

    Baka Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies, I'm not adverse into getting some sort of help from an agency for food or rent though it would be my last resort but the job I quit after 14 years was working for the local social services department.... Welfare, Food Stamps, Medicaid, etc.... to be honest though I think so lowly of myself just go back and ask for any kind of financial help, know almost everyone that works there and there is just no way I could do it, may sound silly but just can't face any of those people I once worked with.

    Have thought about getting help but don't know what could help me these days, mentioned had been in therapy for over 6 years and took so many different kinds of medications, not saying none of it worked because for a brief period thought things were improving but it seemed as though I 'peaked' and started such a rapid descent into this abyss where I can't see an opening. Think one thing that's prevented me from getting some therapy/help recently is that I know there's no real quick cure-all and am at the point where something needs to happen perhaps overnight but real, real soon or there's only one option left. Actually re-reading your posts made me realize that had I started something many months ago though I would still be somewhat of a mess perhaps something in place, maybe I would have looked for a job or had some sort of plans in place, said I had sabotaged my life these last few years, that's one way and it sure has put me in a extremely difficult position.

    Sorry for once again rambling on, my mind has so many incomplete thoughts and ideas things may tend to look a bit disjointed. I live in upstate NY, not a rural area but nowhere close to NYC and not really sure where to turn to, don't want to call up a hotline because I'm not going to do something to myself today, tomorrow or the next few days at least so not really sure what place I could turn to for help, while there's no doubt I need long term help also need short term help more so or there would be no sense starting anything then stopping in a few weeks. Oh well, good place to end this, thanks for the responses, any other suggestions would be appreciated.
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. Everybody needs a bit of help now and then and sounds like it is your turn. Going in for assistance does not have to mean you will be on it forever. You don't want to fall in to that trap, but swallow that pride and get the help on a short term basis. depression gets worse as we withdraw and wallow in it. Try to get the motivation to work again. Maybe just part time somewhere. Once you get started it may not be as difficult as you think. You obviously are intelligent and have good job skills or you wouldn't have held your previous job for 14 years. You definitely have hit a rough patch. You can do this :hug:
     
  6. Baka

    Baka Well-Known Member

    Thanks gentlelady, sorry it took so long to respond but just not having an easy time right now, really don't know what happens to me on occasion, something seems to paralyze me and don't know how to explain why it happens or what to do. Am feeling so, so low and have been all day, usually do feel down but not like this, don't know what's going on just know that I can't take feeling like this any more.:confusion:
     
  7. Baka

    Baka Well-Known Member

    Just thought I would add a bit more in about myself, whether it'll help others understand me or what I'm going through is debatable because I don't understand what's happening to me at all.
    Have been in this spot before and like now didn't do anything to help myself though I wasn't suicidal like now. Back in 1994 had been working as a bartender and also managed the bar when one day the owner came into the place and announced to us that he had sold the bar and the new owner was bringing in his won staff so we were all out of work. At the time it really didn't get me down, had been there over 2 years and was really tired of the job, getting home at 4:00 am every morning and leading such a different schedule than most others firgured it'd be a good time to make a change into more of a normal life. But that didn't happen at all, just picked up some lazy habits, started drinking too much and though I wasn't thinking about ending it all really stopped caring about lfe at all. To wrap this up after about 6 months of that ended up spending all my money and became a homeless person which was not a nice experience but having to somehow survive each day sort of put some motivation back into me, though I was homeless did manage to find a few temp jobs here and there and was working steadily and saved up enough $$ to get a place of my own. Then shortly after that is when I landed the job at the Social Service department, on the outside though I was there for over 14 years it may have looked like I was just a regular person because of being at the same place for so long however underneath me the opposite was true.
    For my last six years there just everything was becoming a mess in my life, at work and outside of it. Was still a solid worker but not as good as I once was, it just became so much harder to do things, my mind just became so muddled and these days it's even worse. Did therapy for those six years and took so many different kinds of meds yet nothing seemed to have a lasting effect, lot of people didn't know what to do for me. They sent me for all kinds of brain scans and other various tests but no place could ever really find out what was wrong with me, but during that whole time just kept sinking lower and lower. Actually just before I left my job had taken a 3 month leave of abscence, it was just too difficult even showing up to work, came back for about 7 weeks and it was just worse, didn't hate the job or the people but just could not take being there and around others so just left it, didn't care at the time what was going to become of me just had to leave, though it may appear to have been a bad choice don't have any regrets at all, then or now.
    So now here I am stuck with really no future or hope for one, have really lost any desire at all it seems to get better and to keep living. It's just so difficult to explain why because I don't understand myself at all, at one time as I've shown could pick myself back up and at least keep trying, these days just have zero energy, pep or any kind of motivation to keep going or try something new to help myself, just feel so beaten down and defeated I've really left myself with hardly any options. Some here have made some good comments and suggestions, I do read and think about everything others have said but why can't I still take that first step and do anything for myself, how do I get back any kind of motivation to keep going on? Sorry for boring you and sounding a bit depressing, I've never been a depressive person to be around but just am so low and feel so helpless about everything it's just so hard to sound any other way. Thanks in advance if you managed to read this and thanks for any future recommendations on what to do, the main thing I need help with though is getting out of this lifeless rut to at least start trying something.
     
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