sad life, very ill, dr says brain tumor. Been sick a yr. Hate my living sit I'm done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hot Mess, Nov 14, 2014.

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  1. Hot Mess

    Hot Mess New Member

    I'll try making it short. quick little bits. Abusive gma abusive uncles all 3 kinds. Dad died when I was 6, mom died when I was 15. From 13-15 I took total care of my lil sis in a wheel chair, my full grown uncle in a wheelchair, my mom, the housework and myself. I'd get maybe 2 hours of sleep per night. Losing my mom has destroyed me, she was my best friend, my protector, the only person whos shown me unconditional love. Gma screamed at her saying shes lazy and that as soon as she died I was out of there. She kept her word too. Oh and she blamed me for my mothers passing. Been told horrid horrid things that really destroy a persons mind.
    Shuffled through the system I was denied food, my stuff was given to the foster parents real children. Was abused some more. So I'd run away. I liked living where I was at I was settled in. I finally fit in. Then the state shipped me from north cali to south cali to a level 10 group home with all (no offense at all) black chicks in gangs and a mexican chick in a gang. Then there was one white chick, we had each others back, I loved it to death, best friend I've ever made in the system. She was murdered. My other best friend committed the S word. Which I have always talked him out of. But I was moved to another group home who didn't allow phone calls whenever. Bunch of black chicks there too who constantly beat me up.
    Was raped when I was 18 years old and homeless, oh and I had just gotten out of the psych ward. I've been raped 3 times, one of them I was drugged and they had their friend join in. They OD'D me started seizing. He screamed i did it on purpose made his buddy leave. Later his buddy checked up on me and had to do cpr. My husband of 7 years thinks I cheated.
    Hubby was abusive first year, broke my nose even. Oh and when we separated bc his mom shipped me back to so cal I separated from him bc he didn't stand up for me, he has NEVER stood up for me to his family, who to this day have always bashed me down. His dad recently told me to go stand in the street and get hit by a truck. All the while knowing I've been diagnosed wth some kind of cancer but the drs don't know what. It's been a year that my health has really declined. There's days I'm too weak to sit up to eat oh but wait now a days I can't eat bc I'll just throw it up. I passout everywhere well lets not get into that. My oncologist said that from the new symptoms I've been having it appears it's in my brain, like a brain tumor. Oh joy!
    I thought I was passed this, it's been years but now I really really just want to go, I'm done. I try going to friends for help but they get mad at me, family, hmmm don't really have any. Don't trust police. Don't trust psych wards. Plus now that I've come to terms with the fact that I'm dieing anyways I think I just want to go. The problem is I have a relay with the man above and that's a no no. no entry up above if I do that, so Idk what to do. Oh and I feel like a burden bc I can't drive or do anything.
  2. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Re: sad life, very ill, dr says brain tumor. Been sick a yr. Hate my living sit I'm d

    Dear Hot Mess, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about all that you've gone through and are still going through. I think you must be an incredible strong person to have gone through all this and still be alive. You sound very courageous and resilient, I applaud to you. Here's two books that might help you, they've helped me tremendously in accepting my own suffering, which is pretty intense too: "Your Soul's Plan" and "Your Soul's Gift", both by Robert Schwartz and available through Amazon. Take care!
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